Lily: What does this do?
Luke: I don't know, but thanks to Obama, you're paying for it.

Jay: [on the phone] What are you doing there?
Mitchell: They asked me to come along in case they needed a lawyer.
Jay: Shouldn't they have a real lawyer?
Phil: Oh, God. Should we?
Mitchell: I am a real lawyer, people. Environmental law is a thing.
Jay: Don't get all sensitive on me. I mean someone who doesn't defend pandas.
Mitchell: Yeah, dad, 'cause that's what I do. I-I defend pandas in court.
Phil: That's adorable.
Jay: You know what I'm talking about. Haley needs somebody who knows criminal law, like Perry Mason.
Mitchell: Okay, so I'm not a real lawyer, but Perry Mason is?

Claire: What are you wearing?
Haley: What? What's wrong with it?
Claire: Honey, you are fighting for your future in front of a disciplinary committee, not entertaining the secret service.
Haley: In "Legally Blonde," Elle won her case because she was true to herself and dressed cute.
Phil: Haley, this is real life, not an excellent movie.

Jay: Claire has to go bail her out.
Gloria: Okay. Give me that. [on the phone] Claire, listen to me. Take a lot of cash. And when you flash it to the police, do not speak about it. Let the eyes do all the talking, okay?

Manny: Mom, I'm home.
Dede: Oh, hi, Manny.
Manny: DeDe. How are you?
Dede: Good.
Manny: DeDe, it's me. How are you really?
Dede: I'm on a better path.
Manny: It's a journey.
Dede: Thank you for asking, Manny. And thank you for your letters.
Manny: It's a lost art. No one puts pen to paper anymore.

Manny: So who wants to come with me to the spoken word festival this evening? I only have two tickets, so somebody's gonna be disappointed.
Jay: I think it's gonna be you.

Cameron: Phone! Phone. I bet that's mama. I was just dreaming it was raining chickens!

Cameron: It's breakfast! It's breakfast time! It's breaky breaky time!
Alex: Uncle Cam. I thought I heard your voice. What are you doing here? Where are my parents?
Cameron: Well, the school called, and your sister won a big award.
Alex: Nice try. The only person who would believe that would be Haley.

Lily: She's in jail.
Alex: Jail?
Cameron: Lily, what did I say?
Lily: That it was only a matter of time.
Cameron: Okay, no. Didn't say that.

Cameron: Okay. Let's change the subject. Have a seat. Have some breakfast. See if there's anything on that plate you like a lot.
Alex: Is this bacon?
Cameron: Of course it is, silly.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Been on a little bit of a health kick lately, so I took a vegan cooking class, and my new thing is "fakon." It's like real bacon.
Mitchell: Except for the look, the texture, and the taste.
Cameron: Maybe the store-bought kind. But I make my own, so it's not even real fakon. It's faux-fakon. "Faux-kon."
Mitchell: It's faux-kon disgusting.
Cameron: You can't tell the difference.