Dede: It's what it sounds like. It literally telescopes. You see, what happens is-
Jay: DeDe, I hate to rush this, but I'm late for a meeting.
Dede: Oh.
Jay: And it's been great seeing you, but can I walk you out?
Dede: Okay. Sure.
Gloria: Ay, Jay, it's so weird. The moment I came through the door, the baby started kicking like crazy, like it's trying to claw its way out of me. [seeing Dede] Bruja!

Dede: Oh, my God.
Gloria: What is she doing here?
Dede: You're going to have a baby? I don't believe it.
Jay: Uh, DeDe, don't get all crazy about this. [Dede starts laughing hysterically] What's happening?
Gloria: Her brain. It snapped.
Dede: Oh! You're going to be a father again at your age. And here you were thinking you would just sail off into the sunset with your beautiful young wife, not a care in the world. This is fantastic! I think my uterus just fixed itself.
Jay: Don't ask.

Claire: Honey, just put on something else, and take down the makeup.
Haley: Why are you guys acting like this is my fault? Everybody was drinking, everybody ran. I just got caught. If anything, I'm the victim here.
Phil: What?! Just stop- Just stop talking, Haley. You're not the victim here. You're the one who screwed up! You made one bad decision after another, and now you're about to blow everything your mother and I worked so hard to give you. And the worst thing is, you don't seem to care. We all got up at 3:00 A.M. this morning to bail you out of jail! We haven't eaten a thing, and you know what I haven't heard from you yet? "I'm sorry, Mom. I screwed up, Dad. Please forgive me." Now put on some real clothes. We'll see you at the hearing. Do not be late! Come on.
Haley: Where are you going?
Claire: To get that man a waffle.

Gloria: There. There. Did you feel it kicking?
Dede: Oh, yes! Oh, I remember those. Yeah, Claire kicked me as soon as she grew legs, and she didn't stop until she was 4.
Manny: Not Manny. He was so calm, I think that he was reading in there.

Jay: This is beautiful. Look at you two, having a conversation like old friends.
Gloria: Well, it's easier to talk to her when she's not choking me.
Dede: I'm sorry. I went through a bad patch there when I was trying to find the right balance with my meds. I recently discovered my cat Frances buried in the backyard. I'm just praying that she died first.
Gloria: Maybe you can dogsit for the shoe-eater one day.
Dede: Oh, well, she is a funny-looking thing.
Jay: [to Stella] Don't listen to them. You're beautiful.

[aside to camera:]
Jay: Turns out Gloria being pregnant somehow made DeDe think of her as less trophy, more human. And all the animosity she had for Gloria just wafted up in the air.
[cut to:]
Dede: I hope you're hiring a nanny, because this one won't lift a finger.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: And landed right on top of me.
[cut to:]
Dede: I don't remember him changing a single diaper.
Jay: What's that supposed to mean? You can't even remember killing your cat.
Dede: Oh, I don't think I did. But I'm sure that you never changed any diapers.

Dean Miller: Miss Dunphy, is there anything you would like to say in your defense?
Haley: Actually, I have no defense. I was drinking. I am underage. I ran from the police. And even though it was an accident, I injured an officer. I am very, very sorry. I've made a lot of bad decisions since I've been here, and it's time I take some responsibility. Like sometimes in the dining hall, I slip my pinky under the scale when they weigh my salad. Also, I've missed more morning classes than I've been to. I don't know what the policy is on dating T.A.s, but I think I broke it.
Phil: Huh?
Haley: Twice.
Phil: Oh, man.
Haley: Oh, and if we're gonna be completely honest, on my application to get in here, I lied about the fact that I was-
Phil: Uh, objection!

Dean Miller: Miss Dunphy, miss Dunphy, we appreciate your candor. Is there anything else you'd like to add?
Haley: Go, Wildcats?
Dean Miller: Oh, boy.
Aidan: That's not even our mascot.

Claire: In the meantime, you're gonna get a job and you're gonna take some classes.
Haley: Well, I'm gonna buckle down and get a lot more serious.
Phil: Good for you.
Claire: Yeah.
Phil: Where are my keys?
Haley: Oh, they're right there on the makeup table.
Claire: Oh, honey, that's a desk.

Luke: Alex, don't fight with her. She might have a shiv. We cool?