Haley: Hey, mom, I forgot how fun this car was.
Alex: And these automatic doors and that TV in the back.
Claire: You know what else was fun? The party they threw for me at work on Friday. I mean, it was a little bit embarrassing. I didn't even know "she-ro" was a word, and there it was, in icing.

Jay: Welcome to Jay's night. Names, please. Want to make sure you're on the list. Kidding! Just excited. Appetizers on the bar, scrabble on the coffee table, and our feature presentation, "The Great Escape." Speaking of which, Haley-
Haley: Don't worry, grandpa. I'm not leaving. I have no plans for the night.
Alex: Me, either.
Haley: But when I say it, it's news.
Alex: When you say any complete sentence, it's news.

Claire: Dad, you feeling better? You had a rough week, huh?
Jay: Nah. I'm fine. Looks like you had a big week.
Claire: You heard about that?
Jay: Yeah, I got the blow-by-blow on all the office drama. By the way, sincerely...
Claire: Yeah?
Jay: Great... Great... Guacamole on the bar, there.

Alex: Wow. That's it? Everything you did for him, and he doesn't even say "thank you"?
Haley: I get it. It's "hero" with a "she." Okay, I'm up to speed. Yeah, that was cold.
Claire: It's just his way. After years of disappointment, I have learned not to expect a pat on the head from my dad. He's not capable of it. But it has taught me a very important lesson that you girls should learn, too-- approval comes from within.
Alex: I knew that, mom.
Claire: 'Course you did, 'cause you're smart.

Cameron: Lily had the cake topper in the tub with her!
Mitchell: Oh, no. How could such a terrible mistake have occurred?
Cameron: I think she must have just thought it was a toy or something.
Mitchell: Well, I hope it's not completely ruined forever.
Cameron: Oh, no. Are you kidding me? My daddy uses a special shellac on this thing. This is water-resistant, heat-resistant,you name it.
Mitchell: Good to know.
Cameron: Yeah, but put it someplace safe. It could still be slippery, so be careful.
Mitchell: Is it? Oh, yeah, it is! It's slippery! [drops it]
Cameron: Is it okay?
Mitchell: Ah not a scratch.
Cameron: Whew!
Mitchell: Apparently, I'm tougher than I look.

Luke: Okay, we're out of here. Kristy Hughes, AKA "Kristy Huge Ones," is having a pool party two blocks away.
Manny: What about Jay? He thinks we're at a party.
Luke: He'll never know. We sneak out, work the room, cannonball, cannonball, and we're back in time for dinner.
Manny: Were you even invited?
Luke: No. But that's only because I don't know her or any of her friends.
Manny: We're not invading her house. Besides, this hair at a pool party, one dunk, and it goes off like an airbag. Poof!

Jay: What's this? You made sauce?
Claire: Well, you were sick. I didn't know if you could handle it.
Jay: Back in Vietnam, I had hepatitis. Still managed to cook Thanksgiving dinner for 300 soldiers. I think I can handle sauce.
Claire: Well, I saved you the trouble.
Jay: So, Margaret tells me I'm using some new delivery trucks now.
Claire: Yeah. They're hybrid. Now, they cost a little more, but when I factored in the tax rebates you get for going green, we come out ahead.
Jay: Speaking of "green," you went a little heavy on the vegetables, huh? I'm not sure I can stomach anything that's healthy.

Jay: No, Stella, stay. No. Good girl. Thank you, Stella. Thank you for listening. Oh, I'm so proud of you. Who's my best girl?

Luke: Come on! We've got to go! That party's full of sophomores. Those women have lived.

Mitchell: Did you work everything out with the wedding singer?
Cameron: Oh, yeah. I'm just dropping my big finale because he's doing the same song.
Mitchell: "My Way"?
Cameron: His way.