Mitchell: This is my worst nightmare.
Jay: You shouldn't have blown through those vetoes.
Mitchell: This is how Cam's dad sees me, like some fawning damsel.
Jay: If anything, Cam's the damsel.
Mitchell: Dad! Thank you.
Jay: A lot can happen before the big day.
Mitchell: Believe me, I've already tried. That thing is indestructible.
Jay: What if it went missing? Things disappear around here all the time.
Mitchell: Do they?
Jay: All the time. Let's just say I have a friend who helps me in these kinds of situations.
Mitchell: I'm listening.
Jay: The less you know, the better.
Mitchell: I'm not listening.
Jay: We never had this conversation. This is a non-versation.
Mitchell: Right. I am giving you the no-ahead. [Jay's gone]

Gloria: Oh, I miss you girls. Nobody in my white family thinks that I am funny.

Phil: Honey, Hector had a life before he met you.
Luisa: So I have to eat dinner with his ex?
Phil: Well, you certainly don't want him going alone. Not with his history. Hey. Who are you really mad at?
Luisa: Ay, I don't know.
Phil: Come on, Luisa.
Luisa: Raul! Hector's going to hurt me just like Raul did!
Phil: There it is. But Hector isn't Raul, okay? They're just cousins.

Phil: Something's not right.
Anna: What? What happened?
Phil: No, no, no, not with you. You look great. You know who's gonna hate this, is a certain jealous sister. Cinco de my, oh, my.

Haley: How am I supposed to do this with so many I's on my rack?
Manny: Oh! Sorry.

Alex: Where's Luke? How long does it take him to get the dictionary? We described it for him perfectly.
Manny: Wait a minute. He's not coming back.
Alex: Ugh. Move your S.
Manny: I-I'm going as fast as I can.

Lily: I saw Stella playing with it.
Cameron: What?
Jay: Oh, look at her. She's all muddy. She must have brought it outside and buried it. She does it all the time!
Cameron: Oh, no. We have to go find it.
Jay: Good luck. That thing's as good as gone.
Mitchell: Dang it! Oh! And the worst part is, we don't even have a picture of it. Do we?

Cameron: Okay, we can't give up. Let's go out into the yard and look for it.
Jay: Careful. I wouldn't come between Stella and anything she's buried. She's a wild animal. No telling what she'll do. [Stella's sprawled out on the floor] That's a very aggressive stance.

Jay: Hand me that ladle, huh? What are you doing? I got it.
Claire: What do you say?
Jay: What?
Claire: What do you say when somebody does something for you? What do you say?
Jay: You want me to thank you for handing me a ladle?
Claire: You thanked the dog for staying, which is basically doing nothing, so I know you know the words.
Jay: Fine. Thank you for handling me the ladle.

Haley: Approval comes from within.
Claire: Thank you.
Jay: Your sauce needs garlic.
[Haley and Alex restrain Claire]
Haley: Okay.
Alex: Okay.