Cameron: Mitchell! It's gone!
Mitchell: What is?
Cameron: The cake topper. Lily, have you seen the little daddies you were bathing with earlier?
Mitchell: Ew. Don't say that.

Kristy: Manny! You made it! Who's this?
[aside to camera:]
Luke: "Who's this?" Excuse me, Kristy Huge Ones, I have a name.

Cameron: Found it!
Mitchell: Yay! Oh! Good.
Cameron: Thank God. I hadn't even told you my biggest plan for this yet.
Mitchell: Bigger than the top of our wedding cake?
Cameron: I'm gonna have a mold made of it and give a reproduction to everyone who comes to the wedding and everyone who can't come to the wedding. Imagine hundreds of these across the country.
Mitchell: No! No! No! Absolutely not! I hate it! It's awful!
Cameron: I knew it! I knew it! It just shows up in Lily's bath, and then, all of a sudden, the dog has it? You have it in for this beautiful topper.
Mitchell: Look at this. Look at it. Look at it! Come on, you're all heroic and Paul Bunyan-y, and I'm- I'm, like, some sissy man with- with pinkish cheeks and a turned-out heel.
Cameron: It's a caricature. What matters is what it represents. My daddy making this for us means he's accepted us for who we are! Don't you get that?
Mitchell: I never really thought about it that way.
Cameron: No. You hadn't.

Cameron: I don't want something at the wedding that makes you uncomfortable.
Mitchell: Well, no, that doesn't seem fair. I've used up all my vetoes.
Cameron: Well, if it- I guess, if it makes you feel better, I could give you one more veto, if you give me one more, too.
Mitchell: Okay, sure. And in the future, if there's anything-
Cameron: The wedding singer.
[aside: Cameron gives a wry smile to camera]
[flashback:]
Cameron: Okay. Thanks, daddy. I'll send you the perfect picture to model it on.

Claire: Oh, what the hell?
Phil: What's going on?
Claire: The kids unfriended me again. How am I supposed to know what's going on in their lives if they never talk to me?
Phil: Honey I got this.
[cut to Phil shampooing Luke's hair:]
Luke: Yeah. It's been kind of a rough year. New school, new kids, and now I'm taking advice about girls from a kid who has his own shoe buffer.
Phil: What?!
[cut to Phil shampooing Alex's hair:]
Alex: I tried beer.
Phil: Ohhh.
[cut to Phil shampooing Haley's hair:]
Haley: Wow, Dad. This feels great.
Phil: Good. Good. You're- You sure there's- There's nothing on your mind?
Haley: No. Why do you ask, Dad? You seem upset about something.
[cut to Haley shampooing Phil's hair:]
Phil: It's just, you reach a certain age, and you start to wonder, "Am I everything I wanted to be?" I mean, am I selling houses, or am I just selling out?
Haley: Anything else?
Phil: Alex tried beer.

Mitchell: Listen, I just got an e-mail from our wedding singer. He has a small request.
Cameron: Another one? Since when does the wedding singer send us requests?
Mitchell: Well, no, he just wants to change a few songs in your medley to avoid overlap with the stuff that he's performing.
Cameron: Well, I hope it's none of my showstoppers.
Mitchell: Oh, they're all showstoppers.
Cameron: Oh, you're too kind.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Oh, I would have nixed that wedding topper immediately, but Cam and I have an agreement. We- We each got three vetoes of each other's wedding ideas, no questions asked. And it- It worked for a while.
[flashback:]
Cameron: I think you're gonna love my wedding board.
Mitchell: I'm pretty excited, too.
Cameron: Veto.
Mitchell: Veto.
Cameron: Veto.
Mitchell: Veto.
Cameron: Veto.
Mitchell: Veto.

Blake: I am really digging this place.
Phil: Right? The gas stove, the moldings, they don't make 'em like this anymore.
Blake: I'll probably gut it.
Phil: Rip it out. That's what I'd do.

Phil: What's so funny? What's so funny?
Gloria: She thinks you're my lover.
Phil: That is funny! I don't know if it's "a room full of women laughing" funny, but...

Claire: Not to sound too braggy, but your mom was kind of a badass at work this week. It was hard enough with Grandpa being sick and me suddenly in charge, but it was just one crisis after another. Luke, honey, we're going! Fire in the warehouse, surprise inspection from OSHA, our biggest buyer tried to pull out of a deal, and I have to talk him off a ledge. Whatever. It's over now. I don't want to bore you guys with this stuff.
[later:]
Claire: So, when I get to work on Wednesday, Margaret is already in tears, and there are two cops in the waiting room, and I say to them, "One of you had better be able to drive an 18-wheeler, because I've got 100 rosewood panels to get to Victorville, or it's coming out of my paycheck." I told you guys about the drivers and the bad tuna?
Haley: Bad tuna, yes.
Claire: Yes, I did.