Lois: Hey, hey, hey! What are these?
Karl: I must've knocked those in my pocket accidentally.
Lois: No, I saw you put them in your pocket. Craig, you saw him, too, didn't you?
Craig: Oh, sorry. The patch is over my good eye.
Lois: Well, I'm already into my break. You handle this, Craig, so I can get going.
Craig: Sure, no problem. [winks]
Lois: Did you just wink at him?
Craig: Oh, you were serious.
Lois: Craig, he committed a crime.
Craig: Sure, that's one side of it. But if he didn't steal from us, he'd just be stealing from somewhere else, and then we'd be losing a customer. Do you want to be responsible for that?

[Malcolm stands in front of the vandalized billboard which now has a speech bubble containing "I WANT RESPECT"]
Malcolm: We can't come down because we are protesting this offensive depiction of women!
Lois: What?!
Reese: What?
Malcolm: We've come up here to make a difference in the world!
Reese: Yeah!
Malcolm: To speak for women like this one who can't speak for themselves!
Reese: Yeah, because they're billboards!
Malcolm: Shut up. We're not coming down until women everywhere get the respect they deserve! No matter how long it takes, we're staying up here!
Lois: Oh, for the love of God. I don't know who you think you're fooling.

Malcolm: Dad? I made coffee. You want some?
Hal: Oh, hi. I was just singing. Always have a song in your heart, son. Thanks. [sighs] You know what the worst thing is? I have always hated that job. I wanted to quit ten years ago when they started deducting for sick days. I wanted to quit a year ago when they started making us vacuum out our own cubicles. If I'd have done that, they would have found another patsy and I wouldn't have been in this mess. They should have just fired me. I mean, I was a terrible employee. I never read a memo, I came in late, I blew off Fridays. What the hell is wrong with those people? Just promise me that you'll learn from my mistakes. Don't ever settle, Malcolm.
Malcolm: I won't.
Hal: I'm going to go make love to your mother one last time.
Malcolm: [to camera] I probably wasn't going to sleep tonight anyway.

Malcolm: [to camera] Since Stevie's mom deserted him, he's been living a little more dangerously. Yesterday he read a book in dim light. Now he's making his first prank phone call.
Stevie: [on the phone] Hello... is your... refrigerator... Yeah... it's me.

Hal: Wow. How do they get the meat this tender?
Reese: Well, that's the thing about veal. Imagine if you took Jamie and put him in a little box where he would never see daylight. You don't let him move so his muscles don't get all tough. He's basically blind and you force-feed him nothing but milk. [cutesy voice to Jamie] That's what makes him taste so good.

Lois: Malcolm, Reese, get a move on! What on earth are you doing?
Malcolm: I have to practice being in a wheelchair.
Lois: Oh...
Hal: I suppose that makes sense. You never know. All it takes is one horrible accident, and you end up in one of those for the rest of your life.
Malcolm: It's just for basketball.
Hal: That's the spirit.

Otto: Francis, you have inspired me to new heights. See how I have captured the confident power of your torso, the sheer arrogance of your ass.

Police Officer: Just tell me what happened.
Abe: We... were playing... cards.
Police Officer: OK. Let's start with you.
Stevie: Well... it's like... this.

Stevie: I hope... my wheelchair... fits in the... make-out closet.

Lois: $90 for a toy?
Malcolm: It's not a toy. It's a robotics kit. You build a little mechanical rover. It teaches you about electronics and engineering.
Lois: Does it teach you to pick up your socks? That I'd be interested in.
Hal: Besides, son robots are evil.
Malcolm: What?!
Hal: Westworld, Terminator, the creepy maid from The Jetsons. How much scientific proof do you need?