Dewey: You're going to throw that at Mom?
Reese: I wasn't going to.
Hal: Jeez Louise. Reese.
Lois: Hal, I can handle this. Reese, I'm warning you.
Reese: I wasn't going to. But if you think I would, then maybe I should.
Malcolm: [to camera] Oh, good. Now he's panicking.
Lois: Just put the spoon down and apologize.
Malcolm: [to camera] Okay, she gave him an out.
Reese: Apologize for what? I wasn't going to do anything. Just stop talking! Just stop talking and let me think!

Caroline: Hi. I'm Caroline. Want to have a seat? Are you Malcolm?
Malcolm: Yes, and I didn't do anything.
Caroline: You're not in trouble, Malcolm. You're here 'cause some of your teachers think you're, um... You know what? I just want to play some games with you, okay? Puzzles, stuff like that.
Malcolm: Why?
Caroline: Boy, oh, boy, you are a suspicious little dickens, aren't you? Now, you can look at this picture for 60 seconds and I want you to tell me everything that's wrong with it, okay?
Malcolm: The man only has four fingers.
Caroline: Right, but this time I want you to take your time and really look... [starts stopwatch]
Malcolm: The car shadow's going the wrong way, the steering wheel's on the wrong side, there's no brake pedal, the words in the mirror should be backwards, the guy's watch wouldn't say 12:00 if he's looking at a sunset and I have red paint on my ass. That's right. Red paint all over my ass! [Caroline stops stopwatch]

Stevie: What's the... nuclear option?
Reese: Evidence of the worst thing we ever did.
[Reese, Malcolm and Dewey each grab a key from a chain around their neck and unlock the three padlocks on the box]
Malcolm: This is what made sure that no matter how bad we screwed each other over, there was always a limit. None of us could push anyone to a point where they had nothing to lose. Or they'd just pull the trigger and destroy all of us.
Stevie: How bad... can it be?
Malcolm: One time we made Mom think she had cancer. But we had a really good reason. [flashback to Lois and Hal sobbing in the kitchen:]
Lois: Stop saying it'll be all right! You'll never be able to raise them alone!
Young Malcolm: Mom, I know this is a bad time, but can you sign these report cards?
[present:]
Malcolm: It's not like we're proud of it. I mean, we were proud of it, but we're not proud of it now. The point is, we can get rid of it.

Lois: Will you stop feeling sorry for yourself, there must be a hundreds of pictures of you in here. [combs through photographs] Well, here is poor, neglected Dewey having great time at SeaWorld.
Dewey: It's so blurry, you can't even tell that's me.
Hal: Well, you can't prove it's not.
Lois: Dewey, at least we got you a memory book. That's more than we've done for Jamie.
Dewey: And I suppose that makes you feel pretty good about yourselves.
Lois: You want to know the truth? You were the fourth child. By the time you came along, this house was in a state of complete chaos. The only sleep I got was when I'd nod off on the drive to work. So forgive us if we didn't get a chance to take every picture, every video, or get you every vaccination.
Dewey: I wasn't vaccinated?!
Lois: Tell you what, Dewey. You get whooping cough, I promise I'll take a ton of pictures.

Dewey: Six, seven, eight, nine, ten. I win. Wow, I smoked you again, Dad. Looks like I'm just better at Life than you.
Hal: Good for you, Dewey. But I hope you know that this isn't how things work in the real world. It's very oversimplified.
Dewey: Hmm.
Hal: I mean, you can't just break into a zoo, roll a couple of elevens and suddenly become the dean of a university.
Dewey: I did.
Hal: Son, I'm just trying to give you a life lesson here.
Dewey: Yet that's my orange limo sitting at the finish line, isn't it? Interesting.
Hal: [pretends to read card] "Dewey goes straight to bed with no dessert." Interesting.

Lois: And we can all thank Reese for the wonderful dinner he brought home from work.
Hal: Oh, way to go, son. And someday, all that toner I keep bringing home will come in handy, too.

Lois: I need to talk to you.
Reese: Not now.
Lois: Please, I need to tell you something. I've been a terrible mother.
Reese: It's okay, Mom. I've known that for a long time.
Lois: No, you don't understand. When those girls humiliated you, instead of trying to comfort you and help you deal with your feelings, I just got caught up in my own anger and went on a rampage.
Reese: What?
Lois: All I was worried about was making them pay, and they did. But what disturbs me is how much I enjoyed crushing those three girls and watching them suffer. I tapped into some dark, ugly place inside of me. I was acting like... you. [scoffs] Oh, God, who am I kidding? I wasn't acting like you. I am you. [sobs] There's this horrible thing that's part of us that makes it seem okay to do really scary stuff. I must have gotten it from Grandma, and I passed it on to you, sweetie. And all I can say is I'm sorry. I'm deeply, deeply sorry.

Malcolm: Dad, you've got to do something. Mom has been stalking those girls who humiliated Reese like some kind of vigilante.
Hal: What? Are you sure about this?
Malcolm: Yes. She's nailed two of them so far, and she just climbed out of the bathroom window to go get the third.
Hal: This sounds like a lot of supposition, Malcolm. I mean, it would be a different story if you had hard evidence or an eyewitness.
Malcolm: I saw her at school today. She was there when these butchered dolls' heads rolled out of one of the girls' lockers.
Hal: And what exactly do you mean when you say you were "there"?
Malcolm: Dad, stop it. Don't you care?
Hal: Of course, I care, but I think what we need right now is caution and prudence. A proactive wait-and-see... if you will.
Malcolm: So you're not going to do anything?
Hal: Listen, when your mother gets like this, we need to vigilantly keep abreast of all the developments in a fully-engaged yet cautiously-detached...
Malcolm: Oh, forget it if you're not going to help me, then I'll just stop her myself, and you can stay here and play your ridiculous little game.
Hal: Good.

Lois: So, this is pretty exciting, Reese. When did you meet this girl?
Reese: I haven't actually met her. Her cousin goes to school with me, and Cindy saw me at the dance last week and thought I was hot.
Lois: Oh, well, I don't blame her. I mean, forgetting I'm your mother for a minute, if I saw you walking down the street, I would think, there is one hot guy.
Dewey: Yeesh.
Reese: Cindy and I talked on the phone almost every night last week, and we totally have the same sense of humor. She said she saw me put the plastic dog poop in the punch bowl at the school dance, and we both agreed that the real stuff would have been funnier.
Lois: You put plastic poop in the punch bowl?!
Reese: Once again, you completely miss the point.

Lois: Francis, I don't drink. I mean, maybe I have a glass of champagne on my birthday.
Francis: Every birthday?
Lois: What does that have to do with anything?
Hal: I think we should get going-
Francis: Come on, Mom, you have the classic signs. Irrational behavior, not able to control your emotions. Everybody else is the problem.
Lois: Francis, I do not drink. I am not an alcoholic.
Francis: Mom, you don't have to drink to be an alcoholic.
Lois: Yeah, you do! Alcoholism. It's in the name.
Hal: I think your mother's right on this.