Aired October 28, 2005
Lois is upset she has to work on Halloween and will only be able to go trick-or-treating with Jamie on her break. A sick Malcolm stays at home with Hal, who is terrified after learning that a series of gruesome murders took place at their house. Meanwhile, Reese and Dewey are chased around the neighborhood by an old man they egged.
Quote from Craig
Lois: Hey, hey, hey! What are these?
Karl: I must've knocked those in my pocket accidentally.
Lois: No, I saw you put them in your pocket. Craig, you saw him, too, didn't you?
Craig: Oh, sorry. The patch is over my good eye.
Lois: Well, I'm already into my break. You handle this, Craig, so I can get going.
Craig: Sure, no problem. [winks]
Lois: Did you just wink at him?
Craig: Oh, you were serious.
Lois: Craig, he committed a crime.
Craig: Sure, that's one side of it. But if he didn't steal from us, he'd just be stealing from somewhere else, and then we'd be losing a customer. Do you want to be responsible for that?
Quote from Lois
Lois: All right, you know the plan. You two are taking Jamie. No eggs, no stink bombs, no matches, no catapults, no Mace.
Lois: No explosives.
Reese: Of course not.
Lois: No water balloons, no spray paint, no gasoline, no shaving cream, no toilet paper.
Reese: Wouldn't even think of it.
Lois: No ladder, no compressor, no soup.
Reese: You told her!
Dewey: I did not!
Lois: All right. I know your route. I will catch up with you when I take my break, to see how adorable and safe Jamie is.
Reese: So, um, any idea when that might be?
Lois: You don't need to know when. All you need to know is if you even think about doing anything stupid, I will swoop down out of the sky and land on you like a ton of bricks.
Dewey: So, the usual.
Quote from Hal
Hal: Lois, can I talk to you for a moment? You knew we were buying a death house, and you didn't tell me?!
Lois: I didn't tell you because I knew you'd have this reaction.
Hal: Well, of course I'd have this reaction. I don't like murder. Maybe that's something you should know about me.
Lois: Hal, it's always something with you. You passed on that one house because you thought the doorbell sounded gay. You can't have a perfect house.
Hal: It would be nice to have a murderless one.
Lois: Well, you should just drop it because there's nothing we can do about it. Death and mold are two things you can expect to find in any house, and we are not moving!
Hal: There's mold?!
Quote from Reese
Dewey: It just doesn't make sense. Why would you fake being sick on Halloween?
Malcolm: I'm not faking it. I feel like crap. Must've gotten it from that death tour guy. I thought his clammy handshake was just part of the act.
Reese: You've got to keep your immune system in shape, Malcolm. Every once in a while, pick some gum off the seat and chew it. Ounce of prevention, dude.
Quote from Hal
Malcolm: Dad, you don't believe in ghosts, do you?
Hal: Malcolm, please.
Malcolm: Do you?
Hal: Do you mean do I believe in dead people floating around, saying, "Ooooh!" Of course not. [chuckles] But, I mean, an energy, a life force, a soul that, upon death, separates from the body and inhabits another plane, crying out to the living in a horrific wail of unbearable pain? Oh, absolutely.
Hal: You, yourself, told me that string theory says there are 11 different dimensions occupying the same space.
Hal: So, who's to say we can't be affected by things we don't see? What science calls wormholes is actually matter and energy, mixed together... [Jamie returns home alone] All of which points to one stubborn, undeniable fact that we are living in a known portal for evil. And now that we know it, and it knows we know it, of course it would come back to kill us! And of course it would come back tonight! You don't have much to say when your science comes back at you, do you? [clattering] Honey? Reese? Dewey? Burglar? [Jamie crawls into the vent] Was that or was that not the sound of someone looking for his head?!
Quote from Craig
Lois: So, Craig, I understand the bandanna and the eye patch, but why would a pirate have blood dripping out of his mouth?
Craig: Oh, I tried holding a dagger in my teeth. I'll tell you, those pirates are a lot tougher than they're depicted in the media.
Quote from Dewey
Dewey: I'm toast. Mom found out I'm the one that broke the oven.
Malcolm: Oh, man, you're going down.
Dewey: I know. So, if you want me to take the fall for anything, it's five bucks a pop.
Reese: I'm in! The hole in the bathroom wall.
Malcolm: Me, too! Dad's camera.
Lois: [enters] All right, Dewey, you're off the hook. [grabs Reese and Malcolm] You two!
Dewey: You were supposed to wait till I got my money.
Quote from Lois
Lois: I cannot believe they called me in to work. I requested Halloween off eight months ago, and suddenly, Marybeth becomes a Wiccan, so she can take it as a religious holiday.
Hal: There will be more Halloweens barring some tragic event.
Lois: But this is the good one, you know? There's such a tiny window where the kids are still sweet and adorable, and you can dress them up however you want. Every year after that, Halloween's just another trip to the police station.
Hal: Life is unfair, Lois. And, sometimes, it's cut horrifically short with no warning whatsoever.
Quote from Malcolm
Hal: Shouldn't you be in bed?
Malcolm: I got sick of lying there, so I thought I'd look on the Internet for stuff about the murders. I got police reports, crime photos, newspaper articles... There's a ton of stuff.
Malcolm: The guy's name was Gareth Stringer. Normal guy, Scout master, everybody loved him. So, one day, out of nowhere, he comes home from work and murders his entire family. They say he lived here with five headless bodies for a week before he finally killed himself.
Hal: For a whole week, huh?
Malcolm: That's where the wife's body was found. [Hal whimpers and moves] He put all the tongues in a pile right there. [Hal moves every time Malcolm points to another location] So I guess that must have been skin wall. And that was hair corner. Over there were... finger puppets?! Oh, finger puppets. Wow, the really freaky stuff happened in the kitchen. Oh, and in the bathroom and the bedrooms, too.
Hal: Malcolm, is there any place in this house where bloody pieces of dismembered bodies weren't found?
Malcolm: Well... Yes. Right there.
Hal: Right here?
Malcolm: That's where they all begged for mercy. [Hal whimpers]
Quote from Lois
Lois: Margie, will you take care of this?
Margie: What? It's Halloween.
Lois: I can't believe this. We are talking about the law here! We have a certain procedure we follow when we catch a shoplifter, because that's the law. [Craig hides a half-eaten brownie in his cash register] It's the only thing that keeps us from anarchy and chaos and riots in the streets. [to Karl] Oh, move it.