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Malcolm Babysits

‘Malcolm Babysits’

Season 1, Episode 5 -  Aired February 13, 2000

Malcolm gets a job babysitting for a rich family. Meanwhile, Lois, Hal and the kids are forced to live in a trailer as their house is fumigated.

Quote from Hal

Hal: Hi, son. Didn't hear you drive up.
Malcolm: I decided to walk.
Hal: So, how's the job going?
Malcolm: They were jerks, so I quit.
Hal: Well, that's pretty much what work is. Welcome to the club.


Quote from Lois

Lois: Malcolm, no. If you want this thing so badly pay for it with your own money. You're going to start to baby-sit next week. Just save up.
Malcolm: I don't even know what they're going to pay me.
Lois: I'll tell you what they're going to pay you. They're going to pay you what all jobs pay - less than you're worth and just enough to keep you crawling back for more. Now go on, it's bedtime.

Quote from Hal

Lois: $90 for a toy?
Malcolm: It's not a toy. It's a robotics kit. You build a little mechanical rover. It teaches you about electronics and engineering.
Lois: Does it teach you to pick up your socks? That I'd be interested in.
Hal: Besides, son robots are evil.
Malcolm: What?!
Hal: Westworld, Terminator, the creepy maid from The Jetsons. How much scientific proof do you need?

Quote from Reese

[Malcolm and Reese are playing a video game, featuring screaming and shouting, as Dewey sits on the couch behind them]
Dewey: Pass the chips, please.
Reese: Here you go.
Dewey: Thank you.
Reese: You're welcome.
Malcolm: Wow, that was a really great move. My head just went flying.
Reese: Thank you.
Malcolm: You're welcome.
Lois: I told you boys these games are too violent. Here, watch something wholesome.
Man: [sings on TV] The sun is a mass of incandescent gas A gigantic nuclear furnace Where hydrogen is built
Dewey: Give me more chips!
Reese: Get your own, doofus!
Malcolm: Shut up! I'm watching!
Dewey: You shut up! I want more chips!
Reese: Here!
[After Reese throws the chips in Dewey's face, pottery breaks as Dewey lunges at him]

Quote from Hal

Hal: Oh, hello, son. You know, I barely see you anymore. That baby-sitting has turned into a full-time job.
Malcolm: Well, sometimes I just go over there to hang out. And watch TV. Live in a house... Dad, does this seem okay to you?
Hal: Gosh, no. Your mother and I have never fought for this long before. It's been days, and we still haven't made up. I don't even know what the problem is. Something's missing. Boy look at that sky, Malcolm. Just think... somewhere out there in all those stars and planets, there might be at this very moment, a space dad who just got kicked out of his space trailer who is looking down at us. Or would it be up at us? Or maybe sideways?
Malcolm: Trust me, Dad. They're all looking down on us.

Quote from Malcolm

Malcolm: I'm really sorry.
Hal: What? About quitting? Nah. No big deal, especially for you. Malcolm, you should set your sights as high as you can. If anyone in this family has a shot at greatness it's you. Just, uh... do me a favor, huh? Look after your brothers?
Malcolm: Okay, wait, wait. You mean everything you just said, right?
Hal: Why would I say something I didn't mean?
Malcolm: [to camera] See? That's what I'm talking about. This family may be rude, loud and gross and have no shame whatsoever... Anyway, with them, you know where you stand and when I have a problem, they're always there.

Quote from Dewey

Dewey: [sees the exterminator tent] Look, the circus! The circus is at our house!

Quote from Lois

Lois: Well, say good-bye for a few days, boys. We're moving out.
Malcolm: This is humiliating. Why can't we just stay at a nice hotel?
Lois: Because we're giving all our money to the exterminators so they can stay in nice hotels.

Quote from Craig

Lois: Craig, thank you so much for lending us your trailer.
Craig: Oh, I'm just glad someone's finally getting some use out of it. I bought it 15 years ago to take on my honeymoon.
Lois: You were married?
Craig: No, I live on hope. [crosses fingers]

Quote from Hal

Hal: And you made fun of me when I bought this mesh underwear. Who looks like an idiot now?
Lois: I stand corrected.

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