Dewey: Hey, you know what was really cool about Francis? How he used to pull all those crazy stunts.
Reese: Yeah, that stuff was pretty awesome.
Dewey: Yeah. Too bad there's nothing like that now. Except for Kopelman's junkyard.
Reese: You mean, with all those vicious dogs?
Dewey: Remember how Francis set the record by going over the fence and coming back with 11 old toilet seats? If only someone had the guts to do that now. By "someone," I meant you.
Reese: You think?

Francis: Took me four hours to find this old spelling test. C plus! Do lazy people get C pluses? No! Man, I got to get back on the road. When's Mom coming home?
Reese: Not till after 10:00.
Francis: [sighs] Well, traffic will be better, anyway.

Francis: There. Twenty years' worth of connect-the-dot puzzles, model airplanes and dirty haikus. Do lazy people do this kind of stuff? I don't think so! This proves that you owe me an apology.
Lois: Francis, all this proves is that you have a problem with obsessive compulsion.
Francis: Lies on top of lies! Well, your house of cards is coming down!

Malcolm: Mom, I can't do the softball team, after all. Now, before you come up with what you think my reasons are, let me tell you what my reasons are. I've just got so much schoolwork.
Lois: You don't have to play.
Malcolm: You're always telling me that my grades are... Oh, well, good.
Lois: It's too bad, 'cause I could have really helped you with your grounders.
Malcolm: What?
Lois: Your grounders. You don't go down to your knee for the ball. You know, kids your age, you don't think you need the fundamentals, but...
Malcolm: I field grounders all the time. There's no problem with my grounders. Where do you get this stuff?
Lois: It doesn't matter, Malcolm. Like you said, you got too much schoolwork, anyway.

Dewey: [dogs bark] I don't know, Reese. If I were you, I'd chicken out right now.
Reese: Dewey, why are you always fighting me on these things? If you're not going to support me, you might as well leave. [kicks fence] Okay, so it's pretty obvious they hate shoes. Write that down.

Mr. Snow: So, I understand you'd like to work with us?
Hal: I-I-I did... I just... did someone...?
Mr. Snow: This job is a wonderful opportunity for the right kind of person. Good pay, three weeks vacation. Full benefits package. Plus the knowledge that you're really making a difference.
Man: [o.s.] Code Two, Code Two. Repeat, Code Two. [gunfire]
Hal: Excuse me, was this...?
Mr. Snow: Please, if you could hold off on your questions until I'm finished with mine. Number one, do you have a photographic memory?
Hal: I don't think so.
Mr. Snow: Uh-huh. Are you allergic to venomous spider bites?
Hal: How would I know that?
Mr. Snow: Right. And do you have an identical twin?
Hal: What? No.
Mr. Snow: Okay. That's all I have. Go next door. They'll make a mold of your face. Then we can get started.

Francis: Tell her, Malcolm. Tell her what a horrible mother she is.
Malcolm: He's right. You insinuate yourself into every part of our lives, just to make sure there's no place we're not miserable. Well, you're not gonna turn me into a drooling infant like you did Francis.
Francis: Yeah! What?
Malcolm: I'm quitting the softball team.
Lois: You are doing no such thing, Malcolm. You had a chance to quit, but now we have a game. You made a commitment to a team, and other people are counting on you.
Malcolm: You can't force me to play.
Lois: No, but I can confiscate your paychecks.
Malcolm: You're gonna take away money that's legally mine for a game of softball?
Lois: I don't know. Am I?
Malcolm: You are pure evil.
Francis: How do you sleep at night?

Malcolm: [to camera] I'm gonna hit this ball so far out of the park, my mom's gonna wish she never... Wait, what do I do with my hips again?
Umpire: Strike one!
Malcolm: What? [to camera] Okay, it'll be okay. Just stop thinking.
Lois: You can do it, honey.
Umpire: Strike two!
Malcolm: Look, just don't talk to me, okay?! Just pitch the ball! [to camera] I can't believe she's doing this. I just hate it when she treats me like this in front of everyone. It's so...
Umpire: Strike three!

Francis: [answers phone] Hello? No, honey bun, I'm still here. I have a few more things to straighten out before I can leave, but I promise that we will celebrate our anniversary as soon as I get home. Right, if you're still there.

Hal: Oh, glad someone's career's on track. My company may not even exist in a month.
Lois: Well, what does Nate have to say? He's usually pretty levelheaded about this stuff.
Hal: Nate faked his death and fled the country.