Lois: All I'm saying is, if you don't put the pinks and the yellows together by date, you're not going to be able to find them later. And I know, you want to live in the dorm when you go away to college, but you're too easily distracted.
Malcolm: You don't get to criticize decisions I won't even make for three years.
Lois: Okay, you're getting cranky. Let's take a break. Look, we're over halfway done. Aren't you glad I didn't let you go to the bathroom before?

Craig: Hey, Malcolm, you want to sign up for the softball team? It's a chance to see the old Satin Hammer in action. And every season, I take one lucky youngster under my wing.
Malcolm: I'm already under a thumb.
Craig: Well, if you're on the team, you don't have to work the early weekend shift.
Malcolm: My mom works that shift. I'm in!
Craig: Hey, Lois. You signing up for softball?
Lois: I don't need to sign up, Craig. I'm coaching the team this year.
Craig: You are?
Lois: Yeah, Stu was going to do it, but his wife got born again and ruined his Sundays. Hey, Malcolm, you're playing! I just can't get away from you, can I?

Lois: Malcolm, infield. Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! And you better be wearing a cup!

Hal: Um... am I... is this where...?
Girl: We're not supposed to talk.
Hal: Oh. Sorry. Uh... excuse me? I...
Man: [o.s.] We'll be with you in three seconds, sir. Please stand up straight.
Hal: Three seconds?
[A man creeps up behind Hal and puts a bag over his head]

Lois: Okay, remember-- it's hips, then shoulders. It's just like that little dance you used to do in your underpants.

Lois: [to Malcolm] You look very handsome in your uniform. I wish you would've let me take it in around the arms.

Hal: [to himself] Just tell them you don't want the job. Don't think about what they can do to you. Just... tell them!
[When Hal gets out of the car, the entire building has disappeared]
Hal: Uh, thank you for considering me. It's very flattering. But I've decided to stay where I am for now. If things change, I'll let you know.

Francis: Where is he?
Dewey: Looks like the pit bulls are herding him toward the Dobermans. It's beautiful, really, the way they work together.
Reese: [jumps over fence] Did I make it? Am I alive? Why do I have bacon in my pocket? [Dewey looks away]

Mel: Kid, please, it's the last inning, you struck out four times, dropped six fly balls, somehow elbowed yourself in the groin. The good news is, I think we're all laughed out. Just get up there, close your eyes and swing.
Malcolm: It's because she keeps... looking at me, on purpose! She has to be taught a lesson.

Stephanie: Hey. Your team's down 16 to one. Want to get out of here?
Malcolm: Oh, she would just love it if I did that, wouldn't she? Well, I'm not gonna give her the satisfaction. She's gonna learn that she can't control me. You know what, Malcolm, I don't date guys who are involved with other women. Especially when it's their mother. Good-bye.