Susan: You know, Lois, usually when someone gives gifts, people say thank you.
Lois: Well, I'm sorry, this... sudden generosity, coming from you, is a little baffling.
Susan: Oh, I'm sorry that the concept of opening your heart and giving is so baffling to you.
Lois: I don't know, some people might not think of it as giving. Some people might think of it as just showing off.
Susan: Oh, here we go! We're only three hours in, and we've already received our first visit from the Queen Bee of Moral Superiority.
Lois: Oh, and here's the victim, right on schedule!
Susan: I became the victim on my prom night when I walked into the garage and caught my boyfriend having sex with my sister on the hood of my car!
Dewey: [whispers] Where do I look?
Malcolm: [whispers] There's nowhere to look.
[Susan runs out]

Malcolm: This is torture. The car's just sitting there and no one can drive it.
Reese: Yeah, it's like that hot nun who comes around every year for toy drive. You know what? We're not going to let Mom and Dad get away with this.
Malcolm: Forget it, Reese. Your bolt cutters can't handle that lock. And Dad's bolt cutters are in the garage.
Reese: It doesn't matter. You don't understand the power of my brain, Malcolm. It's like a deep ravine that sits in total darkness, but once in a while, just for a moment, a brilliant shaft of light shines directly down into it. And that is the moment I will think of a genius plan that will get us into that Mustang.
Malcolm: So the only way for us to get out of this situation is dependent on you being a genius?
Reese: Correct.

Malcolm: What do you think you're doing?!
Reese: Savoring the greatest achievement of a life that so far has had some pretty mixed results. Get in.
Malcolm: What exactly do you think you're going to accomplish in a car with no engine?
Reese: There's a kegger down at the field. They've been without us long enough. [lifts the brake]
Malcolm: Reese, you're insane!
Reese: Yeah, you could make an argument for that.
[After the car slides down the hill, Reese turns sharply on a dirt track where the party is being held.]
Reese: Hello, 24-hour party people!
Malcolm: Reese, you moron. I can't believe you think you're going to get away with...
Katie: Cool car.
Malcolm: '65 Mustang.

Lois: I cannot believe you would be so spiteful as to let yourself die after what I have done for you.
Susan: What you have done for me? I am so sick of this! You know, you actually have me looking forward to the afterlife.
Lois: Good luck. Dad's there. Susan, please, just take the kidney. I don't want to lose you.
Susan: Okay, you know what? Can you do me a big favor and just stop pretending like you care about me?
Lois: What? Susan, I love you!
Susan: Oh, please. You never loved me!
Lois: You see this scar? When I was six and you were four, Dad said we didn't get dessert because we were bad and you dumped his pudding on his head and said, "Yeah? Well, neither do you," and I laughed so hard, I fell and hit my head on the corner of the coffee table. See those four freckles on your left ankle? We used to play connect-the-dots and I drew a bunny and you named it "Footy." And this hole in my ear is from when you got Dad's tackle box and you pierced my ears for me because I was too chicken to do it. And that cap on your tooth is from when Cindy Bauer called me a bitch and you beat the crap out of her and didn't think I ever knew about it. And this is the scar I got from the kidney I gave you because I love you. Don't you tell me I don't love you.
Susan: Oh, for God sakes. All right, give me the damn kidney.
Lois: Thank you.
Susan: And don't get too excited. You know you were always the big one. We don't even know if it'll fit.

Lois: How was the park?
Hal: Oh, it was great. We had a blast. [places baby seat on table]
Lois: Hal.
Hal: I know, I know, he's filthy. I decided to let him out to crawl around in the dirt for a little while, he had so much fun rolling around with the other kids. Lois, you should have seen him.
Lois: Hal...
Hal: Lois, you can't treat the boy like he's made of glass. He'll be fine. We can clean him up. The important thing is that Jamie and I had fun together.
Lois: This isn't Jamie.
Hal: Huh. I know exactly who I switched him with.

Lois: Susan!
Susan: I'm so happy to see you! And I don't want you to worry about your last phone call. I've completely forgiven you.
Lois: It's good to see you, too. I guess the drive took a little longer than expected? Well, lunch will taste fine cold.
Malcolm: Hi.
Reese: Hi, Aunt Susan.
Dewey: Hello.
Susan: Listen to the deep voices. Unbelievable, Lois. They're almost grown and you're still popping them out. And this must be Jamie. [cutesy voice] Hello, sweetie. Hello, cutie pie.
Hal: Hi, Susan.
Susan: [flatly] Hal. [cutesy voice to Jamie] Look at you. You're such a sweetie pie.

Brittany: Where are we?
Francis: I don't know, sweetie. Mr. Mountain Lion didn't give me enough time to grab my compass.
Brittany: I'm hungry.
Francis: Yeah, well, I'm going to refer you back to the mountain lion thing.
Meagan: Where are we going to sleep?
Francis: Girls, please. We have water, we'll find shelter and I know the land. There's food all around us. Look, those are edible fungi called truffles.
Brittany: Those are deer turds.
Francis: Okay, well, we're all going to learn a lot this weekend.

Susan: Oh, that pasta was fabulous, Reese.
Lois: How's Larry?
Susan: He won't stop fighting with Mom. The other day she barged in on him when he was in the bathtub. So he stood up, yanked off her wig, and dried himself with it. Very thoroughly. [all chuckle]
Hal: That Larry's a keeper.
Susan: Yeah, it's so great he's not a backstabbing weasel. [cutesy to Jamie] A weasel is a horrible animal.

Susan: Now, I know how much little Dewey likes candy, so I got him a professional cotton candy machine.
Dewey: [dramatic gasp]
Lois: Susan, what are you doing? We don't own a circus.
Susan: Well, now you can feel like you do. Now, I'm sorry, but you two boys are going to have to share a gift. I'm giving you the Mustang.
Malcolm: Oh, my God! You're kidding!
Reese: Thank you! I never believed anything Mom said about you.
Lois: Susan, you can't give them a car.
Malcolm: Mom, technically this is a transaction between Aunt Susan and us.
Reese: And I'm willing to hire a lawyer to enforce it. You want to go there, I'll go there.

Malcolm: Dad, please, you don't have to do this. We love this car. We promise we won't try to drive it until you say we can.
Hal: You think your mom and I were born yesterday?
Dewey: How can you do this?!
Hal: Boys, please. I know this is hard for you to understand, but you're just going to have to realize that your mom and Susan are crazy. The sooner you learn to accept that, the better.