Francis: Think about it for a second. She's blindly committing to spend the rest of her life in this Godforsaken place with Pete as her husband. I mean, what kind of a poor creature would actually go through with this?
Eric: Maybe her life's pretty awful.
Francis: Worse than this? What, does she live in a slaughterhouse? Is she dragged to work by horses everyday? She couldn't possibly know what she's getting into.

Dewey: Good morning, everybody.
Hal: Son, don't be disappointed-
Dewey: Say good morning, Charlie. Show everyone how alive you are! Aren't I doing a good job?
Hal: Yeah, yeah. Great.
[Hal and Lois look in the kitchen cupboard and find another live goldfish in a small glass]
Lois: That little monster! He's been buying his own fish and switchin' 'em! God only knows how many he's gone through. He's going to pay for this!
Hal: How? If we bust him, he'll know we've been cheating, too.

Lois: Dewey, your father and I are so proud of the way you've taken care of that fish.
Hal: Yes, we are. You've certainly proved to us you can be trusted.
Lois: It's so nice to have a boy who's so conscientious, responsible and honest and who finds a way to do the right thing. Before we go any further, is there anything you wanna tell me?
Dewey: I want a beagle!
Lois: Well, you're not gonna get it, you little sneak!
Hal: We know you've been switching fish, 'cause I put a dead fish in there last night!
Dewey: That's cheating! You're cheaters! [sobs and runs out]
Hal: It's not exactly textbook but at least we're not getting a dog.

Barton: I cleaned out my cubby.
Mr. Herkabe: You're sure I can't talk you into staying?
Barton: My Mom says I need a healthier environment. She thinks it's creepy the way you're using me for your own self-grandiosement.
Mr. Herkabe: A healthier environment? That's not what you need, son. You will never connect normally with another human being. People will recognize your brilliance and loathe you for it. The best you can hope for is uncomprehending fear... which I can channel into great things. Please?
Barton: Can I go now?
Mr. Herkabe: Sure. Go. You, my ex-wife, all of my therapists, you're all the same.

Reese: So, assistant manager, how'd that happen?
Richie: INS raid cleaned us out. So, from 12 to 5, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, this is my domain. I'm proof you don't really need to graduate high school. That's just propaganda from those money-grabbing diploma companies.

Richie: OK. Press cow for burger, potato for fries. I'm not sure what this is. Does that look like a pig or a dog to you?
Reese: Wouldn't it be easier to put words on the keys?
Richie: Ah, a man of letters. A word to the wise. I wouldn't throw that in anyone's face. Once you got your total put the money in the drawer, except if you're making a pocket transaction.
Reese: What's that?
Richie: Kind of a morale builder. Once in a while you take 5 or 10 bucks. But you don't ring it up, you put it in your pocket instead.
Sean: You don't have a problem with that, do you?
Reese: Oh, no. That's cool.
Richie: Reese, you've entered the working world. A world of adult responsibility. [looks at girl] I have her locker key. If you wanna smell her jacket later, let me know.

Dewey: How come you're driving us to school?
Lois: Because... that's what moms do sometimes. [mouths to Hal] Do it now!
Hal: [mouths] Argh!

Malcolm: I don't understand why is this so hard?!
Barton: Don't give up. Remember The Little Engine That Could?
Malcolm: You're not listening! I get everything! In my entire life, there is nothing I haven't been able to master. I took algebra in 6th grade! I taught my dad how to rebuild his transmission when I was five! I was reading before I could walk!
Barton: I remember my own birth.
Malcolm: What?!
Barton: D'you know your heart stops during your mother's contractions?
Malcolm: You seriously remember that?
Barton: Worst was the diaper changing. That was the most degrading week of my life.
Malcolm: So, what's it like in there?
Barton: Whaddya mean?
Malcolm: Well, your brain? For me it's like, when I'm thinking really hard, my brain starts making all these connections. And those connections make other connections, and then everything starts moving really fast and it feels like a bomb's going off. Is your brain like that?
Barton: It's more like a beehive. And every bee has a brain like yours.

Richie: How's business?
Reese: Where were you? I was meant to be home for dinner but you're the only one who can cash me out.
Richie: Hey, I'd stay on my good side. One of these days somebody is going to have to clean out those bathrooms.

Malcolm: All right, the change from apparent to absolute magnitude. The formula is... A over B times K over D. That's if K is... How do they expect you to learn all these formulas?
Barton: Use a mnemonic device, like Enephru, Babashar, Kalar, Dastrer. Abalonian kings, Third Dynasty.
Dewey: Stop complaining. I have homework, too. Ah, it's a butterfly.