Craig: Excuse me. Can I get some help here?
Reese: Hi, Craig.
Craig: So... I overheard your mom talking on the phone and it's true. You've got a job. I applied here once. Didn't get it. It's all politics.
Reese: I guess. So whaddya want?
Craig: I want you to listen carefully. My blood sugar's dangerously low so I don't wanna any burn up calories repeating myself. I want the jumbo clown burger with the big top fries, no pickles, a slice of onion, make sure its center-cut, and extra tomatoes. Now, let's do the patty well on one side, and medium on the other. And make sure they open a fresh package for my bun. If it's stale, I bail. [chuckles] Seriously.
Reese: That comes to $5.45 and you get free refills on the soda.
Craig: Heard that one before. Turns out it's just for today.

Lois: Reese, you wanna drive you get your license, you have to pay for your own insurance!
Reese: Yeah, but if everyone else is insured then why do I need to? They've got it covered.
Hal: Son, it's not as simple as that. You see...

Hal: [to himself in the mirror] Where did you come from, flubber? "Hello, Hal." [sings] I'm so full of bacon, my body's meant for shakin' [makes drum beat noises] And when I start to wiggle, my nipples, they will jiggle [makes whooping noises]
Lois: [in the bath] Once again I have to be embarrassed for the both of us.
Hal: Yep!

Dewey: Good morning, everybody! Say good morning, Charlie. Show everyone how alive you are.
Malcolm: [to camera] My parents made a deal with Dewey. If he keeps his goldfish alive for two months, he gets a dog.
Dewey: Am I doing a good job?
Lois: You sure are. [quietly] How is that fish still alive?
Hal: I don't know! He never feeds it. He leaves it out in the sun for hours. Last week there was an old banana peel in there.
Lois: I do not want a dog in this house.
Hal: Lois, if the fish lives, there's nothing we can do!
Lois: Hal, I expect you to take care of this.
Hal: What are you suggesting?
Lois: I'm not suggesting anything. I just want it taken care of.

Mr. Herkabe: Class, today we begin a new round of independent study projects.
Kevin: Hydrostatic equilibrium? My God, I'm still mired on integral quantisation. My stepdad's right. I'm useless!
Mr. Herkabe: Well, the cold, hard fact of life is some are more advanced than others. Some even think they're more advanced than me.
Malcolm: I never said that.
Mr. Herkabe: And yet you assume I'm talking about you.
Malcolm: You're looking right at me!

Malcolm: Dewey, you have to cover for us. Make sure it sounds like we're all still here.
Dewey: Got it. [hits self] Ow! Stop it! You shut up! Stupid creeps! Ow!

Lois: You go straight to your job after school today. I don't want you to be late for your first day of work. And no excuses! I don't wanna hear, "A lion escaped from the zoo", or, "The bus driver went insane and refused to stop."
Malcolm: [to camera] Francis's friend Richie gave Reese a job at the Circus Burger. It's perfect. Reese gets to be bossed around all day by the only guy on the entire planet that's dumber than he is.
Reese: This job is stupid!
Malcolm: Well, you do get to wear a paper hat.

Mr. Herkabe: I'm sure you're all convinced, by virtue of you being in this class, your intellects tower above the tiny-minded, plebeians wasting oxygen in the rest of the school. But, to some, you are nothing more than howling primates. I am very excited to announce today that we are welcoming to our class a new student. A young man of unparalleled intellect. As near as we can measure, his IQ is over 280. [all gasps]
Lloyd: Those tests are culturally biased!
Mr. Herkabe: Think what you will. Your petty fears no longer concern me. I finally have the mental clay worthy of my sculpting. Barton is a white-hot comet of brilliance, blazing through our dark corner of ignorance. A mind of such unfathomable reach and enormous power.
Barton: [enters] Can I come in now?
Mr. Herkabe: Barton, I thought I told you to wait till you heard, "A new era for man."
Barton: But there's a bee out there.

Dabney: OK, you know your Tolstoy and your Eliot... Let's see how you do with the Bard. "Every true man's apparel fits your thief."
Barton: Measure For Measure, Act 4, Scene 2. Could you hand me my green crayon?
Lloyd: Wow, he's right again.
Kevin: OK, Barton, let's try Chaucer's The Shipman's Tale.
Barton: Should I start with the prologue?
Kevin: Please. How about line 203?
Barton: "And when your husband has gone off to Flanders, I shall deliver you from fear of slanders, and on the word he caught her by the flanks and clasped her closely, giving her a riot of kisses, saying softly, 'Keep things quiet'".
Mr. Herkabe: What are you doing? [all gasp] Chaucer? I cannot believe you're polluting his mind with such pop culture drivel! I apologize for them, Barton. And I will do everything I can to minimize these annoying distractions so you can concentrate on the accelerated program I've laid out for you. Together we are gonna astonish the world.
Barton: Would you like a pixie stick?
Mr. Herkabe: Thank you.

Mr. Herkabe: Having problems, Malcolm? No, no, not you.
Malcolm: It's this stupid hydrostatic equilibrium. It just doesn't make any sense!
Mr. Herkabe: Well, it is hard. But don't despair. I'm here for you, Malcolm, and I'll make sure you get the help that you deserve.
[cut to Barton in Malcolm's bedroom:]
Barton: To estimate the pressure at the sun's center, assume a constant density of 1.41 grams per cubic cm. [off Malcolm's confusion] Am I going too fast for you?
Malcolm: You know, Herkabe only made you my tutor to humiliate me.
Barton: I thought it was to humiliate me.