Ida: You'll be giving the rehearsal dinner here tonight.
Lois: Tonight? Is Susan coming?
Ida: No. Maybe next time your sister will think twice before she yells the answer to Wheel of Fortune. Give someone else a chance. Wedding's at 2:00 tomorrow. Don't be late. We have a 6:00 flight to Hong Kong.
Hal: You're going to Hong Kong?
Ida: Yes. He has a house there. That's where we're going to live.
Lois: You're moving to China?
Ida: I know. Chickens in the streets, children in the sweatshops, everyone smokes. It's a dream come true.

Reese: Hey, that's really neat.
Dewey: Thanks. It's the USS Constitution. In 1803, it sailed all the...
Reese: Typhoon! [smashes ship with a racket]
Dewey: I can't believe you did that!
Reese: How about now?
Dewey: You idiotic...! I hate you! I wish you weren't my brother! I wish you never existed! Wow. How did that happen?
Reese: What?
Dewey: It's the most amazing thing I've ever seen.
Reese: What is?
Dewey: I wished as hard as I could and Reese completely disappeared.
Reese: Yeah, yeah, very funny.
Dewey: Huh. The smell is gone, too. I wonder if it works on other things. [holds up brush] Nah. If this were gone, I'd miss it.

Malcolm: Morning.
Lois: What are you hiding?
Malcolm: What are you talking about?
Lois: Stop wasting my time. I can smell the guilt from here. You know, if you fess up now, I might go easy on you.
Malcolm: You can't just pretend to know something, hoping I'll blurt out a confession. I'm not hiding anything. [to camera] Okay, I'm hiding something. [shows tongue piercing] Cool, huh? If I hide it from my parents for a month until it heals, then I can take it out and put it back anytime I want. And do you know why I did this? Me neither.

Lois: [screams]
Ida: You have your father's breasts.
Lois: For God's sake, Mother, what are you doing here?
Ida: A simple "hello" is asking too much?
Lois: I'm sorry. You scared the living daylights out of me.
Ida: I have news.
Lois: Look, if Susan kicked you out, it doesn't mean you can stay here, because we just don't have the room. Not with the new baby and all.
Ida: Oh, yes, another precious baby. You wouldn't want your welfare checks to dry up. I'm not moving in. I'm getting married.
Lois: What?!

Ida: His name is Mr. Li. I met him on my Alaska cruise. We're getting married tomorrow.
Lois: You're getting married tomorrow?!
Ida: At my age, if he has his teeth and is good in bed, why wait? [Malcolm groans] Oh, I forgot. This one doesn't like girls.
Malcolm: Grandma, I'm not gay.
Ida: That's right. I'm just a liar.

Lois: It's just so sudden.
Ida: I understand it is hard for you. I know how much you loved your father.
Lois: Yes, that's probably it. [Ida exits] Can you believe this?
Malcolm: She'll be almost exactly on the other side of the Earth.
Hal: We'll be separated from her by the entire molten core of a planet. It's like Christmas!

Hal: Get your coat?
Ida: Stay away from me.
Hal: Ooh. Strong and independent. Yet not so independent that she won't be a fully participating partner in your marriage.
Ida: Shut up. You're blithering like an idiot.
Hal: And delightfully honest.

Malcolm: [to camera] Dinner's going okay so far. Mr. Li seems nice. But my tongue is killing me. No one told me that putting a metal spike through it would be so uncomfortable.

Lois: So, you two lovebirds met on a cruise. What was that like?
Ida: What is this, the third degree? People meet. Happens every day.
Mr. Li: It's an interesting story. The woman I dined with the first night was confined to sickbay after she fell overboard.
Ida: We had rough seas.
Mr. Li: But as often happens, misfortune brings opportunity, for it was then I met the beautiful Ida.
Hal: [chokes] Sorry. Swallowed a bug.

Lois: Mom, Jamie's got your cigarettes.
Ida: Who the hell is Jamie?
Lois: Your grandson.
Ida: Huh. We never named them till we were sure they would survive.
Hal: [chuckles] I love this dark humor of hers. I'm telling you, you have nothing but fun ahead of you.