Lois: Reese, this firecracker shrimp is fantastic.
Mr. Li: Yes. I didn't know you can get such hot peppers in America. [Malcolm groans]
Lois: Something wrong?
Malcolm: I just realized that Grandma's really leaving! I need to be alone. [exits]
Ida: You should get him a woman before it's too late. An ugly one. They're cheaper, they work harder.

Malcolm: Oh, no, no, no.
Lois: [o.s.] Malcolm, quit messing around in there and get out here. We're leaving for the wedding.
Malcolm: I'll be out in a minute. Hold your [lisps] horses.
Lois: [o.s.] What?
Malcolm: Nothing. [to camera] [lisps] Horses... Oh, my God, it's swollen so much, I can't say my S's. Mom's going to kill me. Wait. I can hide it. I'll be careful... how I talk. And avoid... that letter completely. Simple.

Hal: [in an empty room] Well, looks like all of Ida's friends showed up.

Lois: Ah, here's the blushing bride!
Woman: I'm sorry, the hotel doesn't allow smoking in here.
Ida: Back off, you cow. This is my special day.

Reese: It's weird. I used to just think thoughts. Now my thoughts are thinking thoughts. It's like, if I don't exist, who's saying if I don't exist? You know what I mean? I'll tell you who's saying it. Me. It's like I think, therefore... Oh, wait. I had it.
Dewey: Don't worry, Reese, it'll come back around.
Reese: Yeah. Hey, you spoke to me. I exist.
Dewey: For now.

Lois: You know, I have to admit, part of me wishes we could just stay this happy forever.
Hal: Can we, Malcolm? Can we?
Malcolm: Not really. [lisps] I mean, most of these drugs wear off after four or five hours.
Lois: Malcolm, why are you lisping?
Malcolm: I pierced my tongue. I've been hiding it because I knew you'd go psycho.
Lois: I'll show you psycho. When we get home, I'm going to pull that thing out with a pair of pliers.
Malcolm: Sounds fair.

Otto: Francis, I've done something wonderful for the hotel. I hired an acting group to stage a murder-mystery weekend.
Francis: Oh, dear God.
Otto: The best part is, the actors will be checking in as regular guests. They could be among us right now and we would never know it.
Philip: [clears throat] Attention, please! A room for Sir Reginald Drake and his vengeful, alcoholic wife, Evelyn.

Malcolm: I don't have any clean socks, Dewey. Why don't you ask Reese?
Dewey: Who?
Reese: Here, Dewey, put this on the table. [plate smashes]
Dewey: [gasps] What was that?
Lois: Reese, for God's sake, pick it up!

Francis: Otto, you have to stop this. It's ruining everyone's time.
Otto: Francis, try to be more understanding. They may be a little under-rehearsed, but they're working with us. They were completely open to cutting the musical numbers.

Reese: Come on, Dewey. Have a dumpling. They're your favorite. And the only way you can get one is by taking it off this plate that I'm holding, which proves that I exist.
Dewey: [takes dumpling from Reese's own plate] If no one's eating this, I will.