‘Ida's Boyfriend’
Season 5, Episode 11 - Aired February 8, 2004
Ida turns up and announces she's getting married. Meanwhile, Malcolm tries to hide the fact he's had his tongue pierced, and Dewey pretends Reese does not exist after destroying one of his toys.
Quote from Malcolm
Hal: Skies are clear at the airport. No problem with their flight leaving. I'm checking the freeways.
Malcolm: Dad, Mom, I have to tell you... a thing.
Lois: What?
Malcolm: Grandma... be drugging... the man from China.
Lois: What?
Malcolm: Grandma be drugging the man from China.
Hal: What the hell is this?
Malcolm: Powerful mood elevator. A lot of them. Bottle after bottle after bottle.
Hal: She's drugging him? How is she doing that?
Malcolm: The tea.
Lois: My God, of course, the tea! Remember, she kept refilling his cup all night. That's how I'd do it.
Hal: Now, you're sure that this is her purse?
Malcolm: Ye... Affirmative.
Lois: Oh, stop screwing around. Yes or no? [Malcolm is silent] Yes or no?!
Malcolm: Not no.
Quote from Ida
Ida: Stealing an old woman's purse. I should have you all arrested.
Lois: Us? We know what you're doing to that poor Mr. Li. My God, I thought you were an evil, conniving monster before, but this, Mother, this is beyond the pale!
Hal: He's a human being, and you're drugging him!
Ida: It's called seduction. It's no different from wearing perfume or padding your bra with potatoes. What girl doesn't look for a little edge?
Malcolm: You are out of your mind! Either you march up to his room and tell him this wedding is off or we're calling the police!
Ida: All right, I'm going. Split the take?
Lois: Mom, go!
Quote from Otto
Francis: You hired the audience?
Otto: I hated to see him so depressed.
Quote from Lois
Hal: Weren't we supposed to stop this?
Lois: Hmm. I think you're right. I wonder why we didn't.
Hal: Who cares? It's nice.
Lois: Oh, I'm not worried about it. I... I'm just... happy.
Malcolm: They're all empty. Every bottle. [all smile]
Lois: She drugged us all. That filthy, hateful monster.
Hal: But how'd she do it?
Malcolm: The buffet.
Lois: Oh, that's right. It showed up right after she went to talk to Mr. Li.
Hal: That evil genius. You know, she knew we couldn't pass up free food.
Lois: This is simply the most diabolical, hateful thing she's ever done. But I sure do like her dress. Don't you?
Hal: I agree.
Quote from Lois
Malcolm: I think Mr. Li's coming out of it.
Lois: Ah, what a shame. The old bat used up all her happy pills on us.
Quote from Ida
Mr. Li: Who the hell are you?
Ida: Oh, darling, don't be silly. Get the rings!
Mr. Li: Wait, I know you. You're that horrible woman at my table who kept spitting at the busboys.
Ida: Oh, no, no. That was someone else.
Mr. Li: No, it was you!
Ida: My little honey lamb.
Mr. Li: Let me go!
Ida: Hoochie-coochie.
Mr. Li: Ow! Ooh! Ooh! You take your... take your hands off of me!
Ida: You can't leave me now! I'm pregnant! Oh! Why, why?! Why can't I ever be happy?!
Quote from Lois
Lois: There's still dirt under the rim.
Malcolm: I've been scrubbing for an hour. It's not coming off.
Lois: Well, since you don't care about your tongue, maybe you could use that to clean the toilet.