Dewey: Jackpot tonight.
Reese: I know. Five houses in a row that use the honor system?! That never happens! You're our lucky charm, Jamie.
Dewey: Now, listen, Jamie, candy is full of sugar, and it's terrible for you. So suck down as much as you can tonight before Mom takes it away from you.

Craig: [slurs] Lois, I've been thinking about it. I just want you to know I'm sorry. I believe in you and what you're doing here. You're doing the right thing.
Lois: Are you drunk?
Craig: Chilty as garged.
Lois: Aren't you on the clock?
Craig: But it's a party. And they invited me, knowing full well that being wanted is my Kryptonite.

Lois: Party? So they're all drinking out there?
Margie: [over P.A.] Attention, Lucky Aide shoppers. Who's gonna come up here and kiss me right now, damn it?
Lois: Oh, my God! No one cares about the rules! No one cares about lawbreakers! Fine! Why am I the only sap? Since it's complete anarchy, I am taking my meal break early. That's right, I'm overlapping with Joan! [punches time card] Look at that! I didn't even line it up right.

Karl: So, do I get to go now?
Craig: You think you've got some place more fun that this? Go if you want. But a bunch of chips and dip are about to get "damaged," if you know what I mean. We're gonna eat them.

Reese: God, I hate when they want to talk about your costumes. They know what we're here for just pay up, so we can go.
Dewey: Hey, look at that! The old guy's still after us.
Reese: You gotta admire it. I hope when I'm his age, I still have enough hate to do what he's doing.
Lois: Oh, there's my little tiger! You are so adorable. If you boys got him involved in anything bad, I will-
Reese: Mom, relax. We've just been very busy getting candy. [the old man keeps advancing]
Lois: I'm sorry. I'm just so frazzled. I almost didn't make it. I wasted my whole break sitting with some shoplifter and no one else even considered coming to help. I mean, can you believe that?! I'm the one who suffers and they're the ones who were breaking all the rules. You know, this one time, I accidentally accepted a Canadian quarter, and they took it out of my paycheck, based on that day's exchange rate.
Dewey: Yeah, so-
Lois: And, you know that when they deposited that quarter, the rate was way, way lower. Did I complain? No, because I'm a team player.
Reese: Mom! We've saved you the best stretch of houses. They're right around that corner.
Lois: Really? Thank you. Let's go, sweetie.
[The old man tries to grab Reese and Dewey as they run off]
Reese: Who is that guy?

Malcolm: Some of the police reports didn't seem right, so I went to the City Planning Office Web site. Some time after the murders, they split up a double lot down the street, and that changed all the addresses. Look. That's the zoning map. The murders weren't here. All these articles are about the house next door.
Hal: Well, look at that. Ha! That sucker! Do you know how much he paid for that house? Have fun in hell, Peterson! Let me see what he got himself into.
Malcolm: Uh, no, no, no. The pictures are really graphic; you shouldn't-
Hal: Wait a minute. That's our wallpaper and that's the counter. Malcolm, their house doesn't look like this. This is our house. What is going on here?!
Malcolm: Fine! I made it up because I'm sick of your insanity! I dummied up a phony web page to calm you down.
Hal: So you were gonna let me think that I was safe?
Malcolm: I wasn't going to sit in the car with you all night! I'm sick!

Hal: I was protecting you!
Malcolm: From what, Dad?! [Hal gestures] From ghosts?! Well, I say bring them on. I hereby summon all ghosts and goblins.
Hal: No, no, no, no.
Malcolm: Come phantoms and specters from the gates of Hell, thou are hereby invited.
Hal: He's kidding! That's the kind of language they respond to.
Malcolm: I challenge ye to prove me wrong. Go ahead, rip the skin from our bones and feast on our innards. We are lambs for your slaughter.
Hal: Malcolm!
Malcolm: Swallow this house into the bowels of Hell! [doorbell rings]
Kids: Trick or treat!
Hal: [yells to the kids] Run! Run from this place and never return!
Girl: That guy was good.

Malcolm: Dad, I know you're afraid, but you've gotta work through your fear. Because it leads to this, and this is insanity. I mean, okay, we live in a universe that we can't control or understand and that can be frightening, sometimes. I have fears, too. But the only way we can get through our lives is by tamping down those fears. Because if we don't try to explain things rationally, the world stops making any sense at all. [Jamie groans in the vent] Like that moan. We have to believe there's a perfectly logical explanation for it. We have to. [Jamie crawls out of the vent with his red-stained t-shirt over his head] Or that. It could mean whatever we want it to mean. The important thing is...
[As Malcolm screams as Jamie walks into the kitchen, Hal screams in response. Malcolm jumps through the window, breaking the glass. Hal goes to help Jamie.]
Malcolm: [o.s.] That was Jamie, wasn't it.
Hal: It sure was. You okay, buddy?

Man: And after the autopsy of the victim, the coroner himself went completely insane.
Malcolm: [to camera] This is so cool. This guy started this death tour, showing people all the places in town where grisly murders took place. He padded it with a couple of suicides, but come on, close enough.
Man: Now, coming up on your left, the site where one of the most gruesome multiple murders in the history of the state took place. Look, if you dare, at this house of pure evil.

Malcolm: I can't believe we've been living here this whole time, and we didn't even know about the murders.
Reese: Man, I always assumed I'd do the coolest thing in this house, but that guy set the bar pretty high.
Hal: Come on, there were no murders here. A guy bought a hearse, and then he realized he had to cover his monthly payments, and so he made up this phony death tour. It's the oldest trick in the book. Tell 'em, honey.
Lois: I got Jamie the cutest Halloween costume. He's gonna be a little tiger.
Hal: Honey? [Lois smiles] Oh, my God. It's true?!
Lois: Hal, bad things happen all the time.
Dewey: But nothing this bad.