Reese: I got to tell you, Malcolm, sometimes I'm so good, it's scary.
Malcolm: What are you doing with toilet paper?
Reese: I got my hands on some canned fruit. I traded those for batteries, the batteries for DVDs. And I swapped those with the janitor for the school's entire supply of toilet paper. Once the specially "seasoned" meat loaf works its magic, I can name my price.
Malcolm: You know, that's not only unbelievably evil but you actually put some thought and effort into it. I'm impressed.
Reese: I don't know what it is. I guess when people are miserable and suffering, it brings out the best in me. Thanks for noticing.

Hal: Hey, Dewey, want to go with me to take the old couch to the dump?
Dewey: No, I want to watch cartoons.
Hal: What, are you kidding? We're talking about the city dump. Mountains of smoldering garbage as far as you can see. Swarms of flies that block out the sun.
Dewey: Really?
Hal: Mmm. Last time I was there, I saw a 40-pound seagull carry off a dog in its beak.

Hal & Dewey: [sing] When we get to the garbage dump This is what we'll see
Dewey: Five broken toilets
Hal: Four fuzzy cheese wheels
Dewey: Three tons of maggots
Hal: Two gigantic rats
Both: And a stench that will buckle your knees.
Hal: Yahoo!

Eric: Come on. You've done way worse to me. You totally deserve this.
Francis: Based on what?
[flashback to Francis and Eric playing pool in a bar:]
Francis: [to two burly guys] Will you Jethros just shut up!? Nobody cares how many bales of hay you can lift!
[flashback to Francis and Eric painting the walls of Marlin Academy with tiny brushes:}
Francis: So, now we know-- pigs can swim, cows can't.
[flashback to Francis and Eric being detained by two police officers:]
Francis: This is ridiculous. When did the word "Fascist" become such a hot button?
[present:]
Francis: I have been nothing but a good friend to you.
Eric: Look, Francis, I'm not going to argue. You'll do this or I'll punch your face through the back of your head.
Francis: See, every time I trump you with logic, you resort to violence. I just want that on the record.

Reese: Check it out. Some idiot left the storage closet unlocked. I've got every Dixie Cup in the place.
Malcolm: What are you doing with those?
Reese: Building a future, my friend.

Malcolm: I quit this stupid system. The only reason I'm being punished like this is because I agreed to be punished like this. And I'm not going to agree anymore. This isn't parenting. This is just sadism.
Lois: Oh, you think I enjoy this?
Malcolm: Yes, I do. And I am way too old for this. We are going to find some other way of dealing with each other. We are going to change the rules. What were you planning to do? Take away my TV when I'm married? Give me a time-out when I'm 30? [Lois glares at Malcolm] What? Am I supposed to be scared? What are you going to do, spank me?
Lois: Okay. [grabs Malcolm's hand]
Malcolm: Mom, what are you doing? Mom, cut it out. I don't know what you think you're doing. [to camera] How did she get so strong?
[Lois lays Malcolm over her legs and raises her arm. As she swings her hand down to spank Malcolm, her hand stops and then gives Malcolm a gentle pat. The crowd gasp anyway. The boy drops Malcolm's shoe.]
Lois: When I can't do this, we'll change the rules.

Hal: There we go.
Lois: Oh, Hal, it's beautiful! You boys are not to sit on it, stand on it, jump on it, or go anywhere near it for the next year.
Reese: Where's this coming from?

Malcolm: Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. Stevie and I finished our geometry unit. We're two weeks ahead.
Lois: Congratulations, you're grounded.
Malcolm: What?
Lois: You're an hour and a half late. You promised you'd be back at 3:00 to help with the couch. Your father and Reese nearly killed themselves.
Malcolm: Yeah, but...
Lois: No buts! You're grounded. Two weeks in your room, no TV, no friends, no phone.
Malcolm: But I was doing homework. I thought it'd be okay.
Lois: You're not allowed to decide what's okay. Not yet. You looked me in the eye and you promised. You're grounded.
Malcolm: This is totally unfair!

Reese: Mmm, ice cream. What a wonderful, unexpected treat for some of us.
Malcolm: [o.s.] Yes, Reese, you get to eat ice cream and I don't. Thank you for subtly illustrating that point.
Hal: [doorbell rings] I'll get it.
Reese: Mmm, sprinkles. Aren't those your favorite, Malcolm?
Malcolm: [o.s.] I'm rubbing my butt on your pillowcase.

Hal: [opens door] Oh, boy, Reese, what'd you do?!
Capt. James: Sir, we have to evacuate the entire neighborhood. I need you to leave your house immediately.
Hal: What... evacuating? Why?
Capt. James: There's been a toxic chemical spill about a mile away. A train derailed.
Hal: How'd that happen?
Capt. James: Some idiot left a couch on the railroad tracks.
Dewey: I wonder if that was...
Hal: [shoves ice cream into Dewey's mouth] Careful, son. Don't want to drip.