[flashback:]
Hal: Okay, okay, okay. Okay, okay, okay, uh... I, I- I- I love, I love how your neck smells in the morning.
Lois: Okay. That's one.
Hal: I love how every one of your toes looks like it came from another person's foot.
Lois: Oh, God.
Hal: And- And- And I love how you're honest and-and fearless and, and how when I'm sick you treat me like a baby.
Lois: Okay, that last one counts for two. You got three more to go.
Hal: Okay.
Lois: I can tell you that I just adore this. The way your forehead gets all crinkly when you're worried.
Hal: And I love the way you cut your crust off your toast even though you end up eating both anyway.
Lois: I love your loyalty and your kindness and that you still suck in your gut whenever I walk into the room.
Hal: [chuckles] I love how you didn't dump me when you found out that I was in love with you.
Lois: [chuckles] I love that you still married me even after you met my parents. [laughs]
Hal: And I love that nothing in my life... Not cribbage with my dad... Not a... a new Van Halen album. Not even an old Van Halen album, for that matter, or any of their solo albums...
Lois: Hal, Hal.
Hal: I love that nothing in my life is complete until I've shared it with you.

Malcolm: Dad, Francis has to go back to school tomorrow. Can't we at least watch what he wants?
Hal: This is educational. It's a celebration of the human spirit. It shows we can always find a way to persevere no matter how many times we're defeated. No, don't put on the rocket skates.
Lois: Hal, can I see you in the bedroom?
Hal: Yeah, yeah, just a second, honey, the coyote...
Lois: Hal.

Francis: How long does it take to get me a soda, Dewey?
Dewey: Mom and Dad are fighting.
Francis: Really? Well, don't worry, chief. Everything will be fine. Trust me. You know what will take your mind off it? Making me a sandwich.

Hal: You cannot be pregnant. We're not ready for this.
Lois: When have we ever been ready for this, Hal?
[flashback to Lois groaning on the floor of the church as she's pregnant with Francis:]
Lois: Okay, go ahead.
Priest: The blessed state of matrimony is a sacred place...
Lois: [screams] Oh, God!
Hal: Maybe we should get you to the hospital.
Lois: No! I will not have our baby born out of wedlock!
Hal: I don't understand why all of a sudden you're so hung up on this. Up until last week a marriage certificate was just a piece of paper.
Lois: [grabs Hal] I changed my mind!
Hal: And it made me the happiest man in the world.

Hal: All I'm saying is that you were the one who wore those jeans with that rip above the knee.
Lois: Hal, if I got rid of everything that made you hot and bothered, I'd be running around with a handkerchief and a baseball cap. [Hal thinks about that] Stop it.
Hal: What do you want from me?! I'm only human.
Lois: Oh, please. The minute you cross that threshold into the bedroom, you become more beast than man.
Hal: Fine, everything is my fault!
Lois: Oh, great. Here come the waterworks.

[flashback:]
Lois: Ow!
Hal: Another contraction?
Lois: No! He's kicking me in between contractions. What the hell is with this kid?
Doctor: [enters] Well, are we having fun yet? [off Lois and Hal's looks] Okay, let's take a look in the oven.
Lois: Ow! God! How far along am I? 'Cause I swear to God, he's biting my kidney.

[flashback:]
Lois: This place is so much smaller than the apartment.
Hal: So you keep reminding me. What choice do we have, Lois? Yes, it is smaller. And cheaper. That apartment was no place to raise children. There was nothing there but museums and nightclubs and trendy restaurants... Well, at least we'll have a yard to putter around in, huh? I can't wait to get my hands on this lawn!
Young Francis: Ow!
Hal: Oh, okay, okay, boys, enough playing. It's time for Reese's lessons. What'll it be today, son, huh? Russian literature? Or should we brush up on the circulatory system, hmm? [young Reese looks at Hal] Circulatory system it is.
Lois: Yeah, great. Just ignore the eight months pregnant woman carrying the boxes.

[flashback:]
Hal: [sings] Art! ♪ ♪ Mona Lisa was by da Vinci ♪ ♪ Science! The radio was built by Marconi ♪ ♪ Math! ♪ ♪ Nine is the product of three times three ♪ ♪ Natural History! Darwin said we all come from monkeys ♪ ♪ But not ♪ ♪ Literally.
Lois: Hal, will you stop it!
Hal: [talks] Lois, we have got to do this 35 minutes, three times a day.
Lois: All Reese does is sit there.
Hal: He's a thinker, Lois. He's an intensely focused, peerless thinker. He's absorbing information. Studies show that developing young minds absorb information at a phenomenal rate.
Lois: Hal, he's two years old. He calls you "phone." I don't know who you think this is helping, but it's not Reese. [Reese punches Hal's forehead]
Hal: Oh, my God, he just hit my trigeminal nerve! We've been working on the nervous system all morning.

[flashback:]
Lois: We can't do this! We are not having a baby with us like this. We have to figure out a way to fix this.
Hal: Well, I guess I can get a night job, and...
Lois: No, we have to figure out a way to fix us. And I don't mean just now because we're always going to have hard times. We have to figure out a way to get through this without us killing each other.
Hal: Well, I'm open to suggestions.
Lois: Okay, here's what we're going to do. You're going to tell me three - no, five - no, seven! I want you to tell me seven things you love about me. Seven reasons why this is all worthwhile. Seven reasons why we're still here.
Hal: Seven?
Lois: Seven. And I have to believe every one of them and you have to say them all right now.
Hal: Seven?
Lois: Oh, just please. Just do it.

Hal: I love how you send the boys to their room just so we can have some alone time.
Lois: I just love you.