Lois: Will you look at this? I hope they find whoever's responsible and string him up by his thumbs.

Hal: Hey, uh, fella, don't you think you're overreacting? I mean, my family is exposed to dangerous chemicals all the time. In-in fact, I-I remember I accidentally set off a flea bomb in the boys' room when my son, Dewey, was in there taking a nap.
Dewey: I can smell colors.
Soldier: Sir, I've got two overturned tankers out there spewing out a cloud of sulfuric acid and sodium hydroxide. That can scar your throat and lungs in a matter of seconds.
Hal: But it's not necessarily fatal. I-I mean, maybe you'd need an artificial larynx, but you'd still be alive.
Reese: That'd be so cool. [croaky] My name is Reese. What are you looking at?
Hal: Son, please. Has anyone died yet?
Soldier: Not that I'm aware of.
Hal: Well, what if the wind shifts? Is the water supply going to be contaminated? What about the food? What about the medical personnel? How can be sure that all these people are going to be safe?
Soldier: I'm sorry, I really don't know all of the answers. I'm just a high school senior.

Lois: I can't believe this place. This cot smells like feet. All right, we're just going to have to make the best of things. [to Malcolm] Where do you think you're going?
Malcolm: I'm just going to look around.
Lois: You are not going anywhere. You're still grounded.
Malcolm: What? Here?
Lois: That's right.
Malcolm: Look around. We're living in a gym!
Lois: That doesn't change what you did.
Malcolm: Mom, we can all die.
Lois: If that happens, you're off the hook. Until then, I want those buns on that cot. Now.

Hal: Uh, excuse me. Excuse me. Listen, I-I was just wondering if there was something that I could do to help. Not that there's any real reason, of course. I'm just... looking to do my part.
Soldier: I think we got it pretty well covered, sir.
Hal: No, no, there must be something. I don't care if it's, if it's messy or trivial or even life-threatening...
Soldier: Sir, I'd appreciate it if you'd just return to your area.
Hal: Please, you have to find some way for me to be useful. I have got to ease these people's suffering. They have got to know that I am here for them. Is that pepper spray?
Soldier: I also have a whistle and I'm prepared to use that as well.

Woman: You know, I'd be happy to give you some but you should ask your parents first.
Dewey: I can't. They're dead.
Woman: What?
Dewey: They were killed by the cloud. Can I have some?
Woman: Oh, my God, you poor thing.
Dewey: They were choking. It was awful. [the woman offers him a chocolate] Can I have the one with nuts?
Woman: Oh, of course, dear.

Dewey: ...and then they were trapped in the car and they told me to get help and I ran and I ran, then I fell down and when I woke up, the ambulance man was holding me.
Woman: And your parents were... [Dewey nods] Ooh, you poor little boy.
Dewey: That looks like fun.
Woman: [to her son] What is wrong with you? [grabs Game Boy]

Reese: Looks like you need a cup, friend.
Man: Ah, that'd be great, thanks.
Reese: I wish it were that simple.
Man: What are you talking about? I'm thirsty.
Reese: Is that your truck out there with the canned fruit?
Man: Yeah, why?
Reese: Let's take a walk.

Hal: There! That should take care of that wobble, huh? Listen, is it too drafty here? Should we move you away from the window?
Man: No, no, we're fine. Thanks for the help.
Hal: Well, that's what this is all about, huh? Helping each other out. This is the kind of thing that we should be focusing on. Not a witch hunt, pointing fingers... blame, blame! We are bigger than that, aren't we, honey? Who wants a bedtime story?
Girl: Can't you make him go away, Daddy?
Hal: [chuckles] She is precious.

Dabney: Hey, Malcolm, isn't this great?
Malcolm: I wouldn't know.
Dabney: Come on, we get to hang out in the gym... without worrying about dodgeballs, or getting pantsed.
Lloyd: It's a dream come true. We actually get to live in the school.
Dabney: Check this out! It's the key to the girls' locker room.
Lloyd: We were actually standing where girls take showers... naked. Or so I'm told.

Lois: Malcolm. No visitors. Malcolm's grounded. You shouldn't be talking to him. [shouts] Everyone, this is my son. He's being punished. No one should talk to him.
Malcolm: Mom, for God's sakes, they just came over to say hi.
[Lois looks at Dabney]
Dabney: I took the key to the girls' locker room.
Lloyd: Please, don't tell our mothers.
Dabney: I'm so ashamed.
Lois: What?
Malcolm: You did that just to humiliate me.
Lois: Is that what you think?
Malcolm: Yes. It was completely unjustified. And I want you to know, I am never going to forget this.
Lois: Well, good. It'll be the first time in ten years the punishment's actually stuck.