Dewey: Ever since the day I was born, you guys have been torturing me. I remember you trying to switch me for another baby at the park. I remember you telling me the tooth fairy was a vampire. I remember every wet willy, every booger sandwich, every stink hat-
Reese: Dewey, we're sorry!
Dewey: ...every waffle butt, every Chester Backster and every purple nurple! And now you're going to pay. [Marshmallow barks]
Malcolm: Dewey, this isn't gonna work. Mom and Dad'll be home in a few hours, that dog will be gone, you'll be in trouble and we'll kick your ass for the next ten years!
Dewey: I know. So we'd better get started.
Malcolm: What do you want?
Dewey: Everything. I want everything.

Francis: I couldn't sleep at all last night.
Eric: Me, too. It's like there's something creepy in the air.
Spangler: Francis!
Francis: Commandant Spangler!
[Eric drops a tray of cutlery as he salutes]
Francis: What are you doing in Alaska?
Spangler: I've come for you, Francis! I've been searching for you for months.
Francis: Me? Why?
Spangler: Why? Because... after 32 years as an educator and disciplinarian, your desertion stood out as my only failure. A failure that... haunted my every waking moment. I began to see your face in those of other young cadets who didn't deserve the wrath that I poured down on their innocent souls. There was a lawsuit. Charges were filed. Disgrace. I can't even remember the fire but I do... remember... the cause! Through all of my suffering... I saw the stupid grinning face of the one person responsible for all of my suffering!
Eric: Who?
Spangler: Die! Die! Die! [whimpers]
Francis: Sir, cut it out, your hooks are cold. [Spangler sobs]

Hal: I don't understand it! An entire roast?! With your bare hands?! And the... the... The salad, the potatoes, the green beans! What do you have to say for yourself?!
Dewey: I was hungry, I guess.
Reese: [to Malcolm] This is great. Let's tell him about the dog and really nail his coffin shut!
Malcolm: Not yet. I have a hunch.
Hal: An entire stick of butter?!
Reese: Now! Let's tell them now.
Malcolm: Wait for it, wait for it. Wait a second.
Hal: How could you eat a candle?
Dewey: I like candles. [bites off a chunk of candle] I think they're good.
Hal: That's it! You are going to the hospital and getting your stomach pumped!

Dewey: [to the dog] And then Dewey and Marshmallow killed the evil dragon, rescued the poor little princess and flew all the way back home. And they got medals and big red capes and everybody loved them.
[Reese opens the bedroom door and tries to waft the smell of roast beef into the room]
Dewey: [Marshmallow groans] Are you OK? [Marshmallow runs out of the room] Marshmallow!
[When the boys catch up with Marshmallow, he's already up on the kitchen table eating the roast beef.]
Dewey: Marshmallow, stop!
Lois: [o.s.] Boys, I told you to stay in your room!
Dewey: [whispers] Marshmallow, hide!
[After the dog runs away, Dewey climbs up on the table and sticks his face in the roast beef]

Lois: All right, boys, your father and I are leaving now. I've left you the number for the restaurant on the counter. If we get a call, it better be from the coroner.

Francis: Where is he? He should've been back by now. Look at this, my palms are sweating!
Eric: Would you calm down? Here he comes.
Francis: So?
Spangler: [slurs] For some reason, I was fired. [falls over]
Francis: I don't believe it, he's drunk again!
Eric: You're just going to have to face it, Francis, there's no hope for this guy. The only thing that ever made him remotely happy was tormenting and bullying helpless students. Without that he's nothing.
[cut to Spangler at an Alaskan retirement home:]
Spangler: You call that a collage? It is an insult to the craft! I can see paste coming up over the top of the Popsicle stick!
Woman: I'm sorry, I have arthritis.
Spangler: That's it. You have just lost pudding for the whole group. Feel free to thank Mrs. Meekitjuk after I leave.

Hal: OK, I'm doing dry-cleaner, mechanic and post office, you're doing groceries and DMV, right?
Lois: Right.
Hal: Got the cable bill? [Lois hands Hal a bill] Great. Bye, guy. [walks off and returns] Did I just say, "Bye guy," to you?
Lois: I'm pretty sure you did.
Hal: Guy? I- I- I called you guy?! How can that happen?! I've never done that before!
Lois: Hal, it's a lapse.
Hal: Guy?!
Lois: Hal, it happens.
Hal: Let's get one thing clear. In no way, shape or form do I think of you as a guy. You are a gorgeous, exciting, feminine goddess that I still don't know what I've done to deserve. Do you understand that?
Lois: Yes. [they kiss]
Hal: [mumbles] Let's do this walking.

[Hal walks into the break room with a boom box playing Rod Stewart's "Tonight's The Night", which he lip syncs to]
Lois: Hal, what are you doing here?!
Hal: Well, you're off work in five minutes and I am here to whisk you away for a night of romance.
Lois: Oh, honey, that's so sweet but I can't. I've gotta cover for Craig tonight.
Hal: Why?!
Lois: Oh, he's sick as a dog!
Hal: Come on. You know that guy's the biggest faker in the world! The last time he was out with the flu, we saw him jumping up and down in the window on the Today Show!
Craig: [congested] That doesn't mean I wasn't sick. You didn't happen to tape that, did you? I set my timer wrong.

Malcolm, Reese & Craig: [sing] We're stinky and evil, we're dumb and sarcastic While Dewey, in contrast, is super fantastic That's why Dewey is king
Craig: Why Dewey is king
Dewey: Hey, it's haircut time! Think of your favorite stooge and I'll be right back. Marshmallow, if anyone moves, eat them. [exits]
Reese: This is insane. We've got to do something.
Craig: I'm Mo.

Dewey: Pencils down. Who wants to read their essay first? [Malcolm and Reese are silent] Marshmallow, why don't you choose? [Marshmallow barks at Malcolm]
Malcolm: "50 reasons why Dewey is the greatest brother in the history of the universe and I'm a worthless junk of garbage."
Reese: Is that what we were supposed to be writing about?! [starts erasing]
Dewey: From the top.
Malcolm: "50 reasons why Dewey is the greatest brother-"
Dewey: Stop! Something's not right.
[cut to Malcolm and Reese dressed up as girls:]
Dewey: Wait! [puts a rose in Malcolm's mouth] There. Continue.