[Reese and Malcolm stand over Dewey as he eats from bowls of dog food]
Reese: What do you think, one more can?
Malcolm: No, we don't wanna spoil him. Besides, he probably has to go to the bathroom now.
Reese: Who wants to go out in the front yard?
Dewey: I'll remember this, too.

Hal: Hey, what are we watching?
Malcolm: A documentary on eye surgery. They are reattaching a retina.
Man: [on TV] "The procedure involves making small incisions into the wall of the eye to allow instruments into the cavity."
Hal: Is there anything else on?
Malcolm: Dad, this is interesting. I might be a doctor someday.
Hal: You're right. You're right.
Man: [on TV] "The draining of the vitreous - the clear gel-like fluid that fills the back of the eye"
Hal: Aah-aah! I'm gonna go read.
[As Hal leaves, Malcolm changes the channel]
Woman: [on TV] "Kiki beats the heat in a red chiffon"
Malcolm: [to camera] You don't wanna watch a lingerie-counter shoot with your dad!

Lois: Come on! You boys are late! I want you outta this house in 30 seconds! Let's show some hustle!
Malcolm: [to camera] We've got time. When we're really late, our lunches are on the front lawn.

Francis: OK, just for argument's sake, let's say Doctor Bombay was one of the M*A*S*H surgeons. I'd still want Hawkeye operating on my perforated aorta! It's experience that counts. Think about it. [thunder claps]
Eric: Will you hurry up with those dishes, my bubbles are evaporating!
Francis: Eric, you're not gonna believe this. I swear I just saw Commandant Spangler standing outside the window.
Eric: That's not even funny, Francis. There are some things you just don't joke about. And that hook-handed maniac is at the top of the list!
Francis: But he was so real! It was like being back at military school!
Eric: I know. For a long time I saw him every time I shut my eyes. We just have to remember, weescaped from that hellhole. We made it out and found better lives for ourselves. Now let's get these dishes done. We still have to snake out the toilets before we can call it a night.

Dewey: Hi, I'm Dewey. [sniffs] You smell terrible. I like you. Maybe you could come home with me.
Lois: [imaginary] Dewey, you're not allowed to have a dog, remember? We want you to be miserable.
Hal: [imaginary] That's right, son. It's our job to make sure we're as unfair as possible to you.
Dog: [imaginary] [male British voice] Don't listen to them, Dewey. I've studied the matter thoroughly and I'm convinced you can get away with it. All you have to do is hide me. Hm!
Dewey: I'll call you Marshmallow.

Doctor: All right, young man, I think you're empty.
Hal: Well?
Doctor: He's fine. We didn't find any candles but we did find some marbles and the waistband to a pair of underpants.
Dewey: Don't ask.
Hal: Thank you, Doctor. All right, Dewey, this is the end. You and your brothers are now officially in the red zone.
Dewey: But-
Hal: Red zone, mister! Tomorrow night I am taking your mother out on an emergency date. It will be a beautiful, romantic, magical evening that we need very badly and nothing is going to derail it on penalty of death! [Dewey nods] Good. Do you want your army man? [Dewey shakes his head]

Francis: So, how's he doin'?
Eric: I was up with him all night. He got pretty wild but I think he's doin' better now.
Spangler: I wanna die! Why can't I just die?!
Francis: Stop talking like that, sir. This is just a momentary setback.
Spangler: I have nothing to live for. Mother no longer acknowledges me. I have no friends, no money. I won't even tell you how I paid for my journey up here.
Eric: If it means anything to you, sir, you taught me how to be a man.
Spangler: I have no idea who you are.
Eric: You don't remember me? After all that time at Marlin, the hell that you put me through, you don't even remember me?
Spangler: Cadet Dudley?
Eric: No, Eric! I just spent the last ten hours cradling you!
Francis: Sir, this is because you're not feeling useful. Look, I talked to some people and I think I may have found you a job.
Spangler: A what?
Francis: It'd be with the Interior Department. You'd be helping the environment, working with people. You would be making a real difference.
Spangler: I can do that. Thank you, son. And, please, thank that girl for rocking me in her arms all night long.

Lois: Hal, this place is beautiful! It's so romantic! Everything is fabulous!
Hal: Yes, it is fabulous.
Lois: Look, they have your favorite - oysters! We'll have to order some of those.
Hal: Actually, I had a big batch of oysters for lunch.
Lois: You did? Where did you get oysters?
Hal: A guy has a cart outside the building. Besides, I am dying to try this plain broth. They're famous for it.
Lois: For their broth?

Dewey: [doorbell chimes] Nobody move.
Craig: [o.s.] [knock at door] Hello! I know someone's home! I saw shapes moving on the curtains!
Dewey: Marshmallow, guard!
[Dewey walks over and opens the door]
Craig: Hey, sport, is your dad home?
Dewey: No. They went to a restaurant but they said you should go over-
Craig: Well, I just came to drop off some pants. They got-
Malcolm: Craig, help!
Reese: Help us, please!
Malcolm: Dewey's gone crazy! He's holding us prisoner!
Dewey: [locks door] I'm sorry you had to see this.
[cut to Craig also dressed like a woman:]
Craig: "Number 12, his twinkling eyes."

Nurse: "And how can words describe how I feel on this, the day of our marriage?" "You are my day, my night, the sun in my sky." "You are the Duran to my Duran."
Lois: Oh, Hal!
Nurse: "Her name is Lois and she dances on the sand, just like that river twisting through a dusty land."