Lily: Marshall, you love everything and everyone. It's what I love about you, but it's also why your stamps are total crap.
Marshall: Give me one example.
Lily: How about when you turned your boss into a fountain of bodily liquids?
[flashback to all of Marshall's colleagues falling ill:[
Marshall: You guys like it?
Honeywell: I'll be waiting for you in hell, Eriksen.
[present:]
Marshall: In my defense, that restaurant's health rating had just gone from an "F" to a "D," and I wanted to reward that.

Lily: Marshall, you're already on thin ice with that horrible Honeywell guy. Don't risk screwing things up more right before your biggest case ever.
Marshall: Okay, Honeywell is not horrible, he just has a bad temper sometimes. And he holds a grudge. He's kind of defensive about his height. And he's cheap. And he made those secretaries cry. But, deep down, he is a great guy. Heck, he gets my stamp, too.
Robin: Stamp tramp.

Robin: Marshall, why can't you be more like your wife? Lily's stamp is gold. I'm reading this book because of her. I'm drinking this beer because she recommended it. I'm even wearing this bra because of a lingerie store Lily told me about.

Ted: Uh, if anyone's got the golden stamp, it's old Teddy Westside over here.
Barney: Please. You're a piggyback stamper.
Ted: How dare you! And what is that?
Barney: Allow us to demonstrate. Lily?
Lily: Hey, guys, I just found a great new sushi restaurant. It's called Katsu...
Barney: yoku. Katsuyoku. My idea. I'm Ted. Nailed it.
Lily: Totally. [Barney and Lily high five]

Robin: Okay, Ted, name one cool thing you've given your stamp to first...
Ted: Dr. Berkowitz.
Robin: That isn't an ear, nose and throat doctor.

Robin: That's it? T-shirts and beer cozies? That's disrespect, son! Here's what you do: Hit a few strip clubs in Jersey and Long Island.
Barney: Jersey? Long Island? Why would I go to a Third World nation to get my knob wobbled?
Robin: Well, you wouldn't. But when the clubs in the city hear you're sniffing around across the river, those beer cozies and T-shirts turn into Rolexes and fur coats. Especially from that strip club, Fur Coats.
Barney: Wow. That's genius. You're hired.
Robin: What do you mean?
Barney: I want you to be my strip club agent.
Robin: What is wrong with you?
Barney: Well, I just figured I'd ask...
Robin: No, I was talking to myself, because, for some reason, I really want to do that!

Ted: Oh! Oh! What am I wearing? Just proof of a stamp I know I gave first, from a little band called... Dishwalla.
Robin: Who?
Ted: Dishwalla! Come on! They had that whole, "Tell Me All Your Thoughts on God" song.
All: [unconvincingly] Oh...
Ted: Look, I'm not saying they're my favorite band, but for a little while in college, we were all into that song, and it was all thanks to me.
Lily: But I turned you on to Dishwalla.
Ted: No way! I played them on my radio show. I mean, pirate DJ Dr. X played them on his beloved radio show.
Lily: We all know you were Dr. X, Ted! And I'm the one who got us into that song.

Ted: No! No! On his beloved radio show, Dr. X pointed out that the chorus went, "Tell me all your thoughts on God" [singing] 'Cause I really want to meet her. [talking] Her. God's a woman. And it blew the minds of everyone listening to Dr. X that night. Which was pretty much everyone on campus... including me. I'm not Dr. X.
Lily: Oh, so you're saying credit for the stamp goes to Dr. X then, not you.
Ted: Okay... I'm gonna tell you guys something right now.
Robin: Take a sip. Follow my lead.
Ted: [exhales sharply] I'm Dr. X.
[Robin, Barney and Lily spit take]
All: No!

Brad: Marshall tells me you have the big Gruber Pharmaceutical trial coming up. I'd love to give you my thoughts on the case, but I can't take full credit. Most of these are from my psychic. My psychic always pushes for a settlement. But my numerologist says roll the dice with the jury. I'm waiting for my astrologist to weigh in, but he can be kind of flaky. You know, Cancer. Should know more after he's back from chemo.

Ted: You know the best part about you challenging me on Dishwalla?
Lily: Didn't challenge you, don't care.
Ted: It made me dig up my old video diaries from freshman year. And somewhere in here there's gonna be proof that I am not a piggyback stamper. I have my own original ideas.
Lily: Didn't you only do the video diaries because of Winona Ryder in Reality Bites?
Ted: No. I don't know what you're talking... Shut up. Let's just watch.