[flashback:]
Man: Mr. Stinson, we might not have the best strippers at Moneyballs, but we use sabermetrics to get you a stripper with a five body, sure, and another with a butter face, but together, with their tireless grinding, we guarantee a high on-pants percentage.
[flashback:]
Barney: I gotta be honest with you, Fred, I can't really see myself signing with the Golden Oldies.
Fred: Well, that's what everyone says... at first. But our GILFs have got class. They've got maturity and experience, and the kind of mind-blowing flexibility that only comes from advanced hip dysplasia.
[flashback:]
Man: Barney, the Lusty Leopard would be lost without you. I think you're really gonna like a couple of the girls we just pulled up from the minors. Don't leave us!

Lily: Well, maybe this isn't the moment to stick your neck out for Brad.
Marshall: Well, that's not how I was raised. Back in St. Cloud, we believe in people, people like Gudren Olsen, the town wino who became our mayor. They even wound up naming a bridge after him. The one he drove off.

Barney: Man, these strip clubs want me so bad. They're sending me T-shirts, beer cozies. Sticky's even sent me a boob-shaped hand-sanitizer dispenser. It's clean and dirty at the same time.

Robin: [on headset] So? A lot of strip clubs are into my client. If you want the Melon Patch to be in the mix, we're gonna need bigger melons and smaller patches. Otherwise, your establishment is not where Barney Stinson is gonna pitch his tent. [to Barney] B Dawg, Barn Door, Stinson-natti, Bro-hio! Talk to me. How's it hangin'?
Barney: You are killing it at this agent thing! I just got a big box at Yankee Stadium from the ladies at The Big Box. One question, Golden Oldies just sent me a fax machine and a Charo calendar. Aren't they out of the running?
Robin: Yeah, but those old bitches don't need to know that.

Lily: Wait, that's the giant suit Marshall wore on our third date.
[on tape:]
Ted: So, Marshall Eriksen, you just came back from your third date with Lily. How was it?
Marshall: Great, yeah. I just... I think I'm falling for this girl pretty hard. But is everything happening too fast? I mean, maybe I should see other people.
Ted: Whoa, dude, no! Lily Aldrin is special. You hold on to that girl.
Marshall: She is. I'm only 18 and...
Ted: Marshall, you being 18 isn't a bad thing. It just means you get to spend even more of your life with her. I mean, I'm probably not gonna meet my wife until I'm, like, 23.
Marshall: You're right. What am I thinking? I'm in love with this girl.
[reality:]
Lily: Ted, oh, my God. You gave me the ultimate stamp. And in my whole life, this life... it all goes back to that moment.
[on tape:]
Ted: I mean, maybe take a month off, bang a couple chicks. Lily's not going anywhere.

Barney: Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for "The Decision". Yeah. Ladies, my bro-dium? Yeah. Look at this! [over mic] Man, this whole free agent experience, it's been an unbelievable experience, a real humbling experience. First of all, The Lusty Leopard is where I developed my game. I have nothing but the utmost respect for you skanks.
Ted: He's just gonna stay at The Lusty Leopard. They have loyalty and heart. I bet you he rewards that.
Marshall: LeBron moved on, Ted. So should you.
Barney: But Barney Stinson has to do what's right for Barney Stinson's penis. In this fall... This is tough. Um, in this fall I'm going to take my talents to Mouth Beach.

Barney: Guys, I'm going through something kinda hard. Since Quinn and I broke up, she's gone back to dancing at The Lusty Leopard, and it's just really tough because...
Ted: 'Cause you have to find a new strip club?
Barney: I have to find a new strip club! I've been going to The Lusty Leopard for seven years.
Lily: Wow. That's like 49 in perv years.
Barney: Sixty-nine. Self-five. Look, without my open wallet, The Lusty Leopard would be nothing. Thanks to me, they've been able to expand and take over that soup kitchen next door. Now I'm a free agent, and all the strip clubs are after me.

Robin: Wow, you're like the LeBron James of strip clubs. Actually, you're probably tied with LeBron James for that title.
Ted: LeBron isn't all that. The Cavs are doing great without him.
Robin: Yeah!

Marshall: Hey, guys, you will never believe who I ran into outside of work today.
Lily: It wasn't the guy handing out coupons in the hot dog costume, was it? Baby, there's no reason to be scared of him.
Marshall: I'm not scared of him. It's totally normal to see a hot dog with a face.

Marshall: Guys, Brad is an old friend who needs a job. Why shouldn't I give him the old Marshall Eriksen Stamp of Approval?
Robin: Marshall, you're a stamp tramp.
Marshall: How dare you! And what is that?
Ted: You give your stamp of approval to everything. It's become meaningless. It's like when my mom likes a movie. It just means Richard Dreyfuss is in it.