Barney: Not good, Robin. Very not good. How do you keep winning, anyway?
Robin: Well, to the keen observer, all of you Stinsons have the same very subtle tell. Whenever you're bluffing, you say the word "bluff."
[flashback:]
James: Hey, I'm hungry, should we get some bluffalo wings? Raise you 20.
Loretta: When I walked in, I saw an all-you-can-eat bluffet. Raise 50.
Barney: Mm. I could use a bluffberry muffin. A blueberry bluffin. Sorry. A bluebluffy muffbluff. All in.

Barney: So I went to give James his ring back?
[flashback:]
James: Glad you came to your senses. You can't let being married keep you from being you. It's like Tom, always telling me I spend too much time at the gym.
Barney: Exactly. Is it wrong if you wanna work out a couple times a week?
James: Right? Or a couple times a day?
Barney: Or a couple times...? A couple times a day? Really?
James: A few hours before work, a few hours after. Only way to keep up the chocolate xylophone. [mimicking xylophone]
Barney: Still, that's a lot of time at the gym. Especially with two kids.
James: It's like I always said to Tom. I've gotta stay in shape in case I'm ever single again. And, hello, I was right.
Barney: Oh, my God. I think I finally understand what Lily was mumbling in my peripheral vision earlier. I'm marrying Robin so I can be part of a team. Not just some guy alone at a gym with admittedly amazing abs.
James: Thanks, bro.
Barney: No. Thank you, bro. You're not getting this ring.

Barney: I am always gonna have your back. No matter what.
Robin: Thank you. I love you.
Barney: I love you too. Mm, oh! I didn't tell you the best part. There's more.
Robin: Really?
[flashback:]
Barney: James, let me spell this out for you. Now that I've got Robin, we are not brothers anymore.
[present:]
Robin: What?
Barney: Uh-huh.
[flashback:]
Barney: If you and Robin are both ever hanging from a cliff and I have one hand free? Enjoy the fall. Bye-bye. If you... Oh, Mom, good, you should hear this too. This mother-son thing, it's over. It's been a nice few decades, but I've got a wife now, so you mean nothing to me. Oh, and me coming over for Thanksgiving and Christmas? That's done. No more of that. And you know why? Because Robin said so. This came directly from her. See you, losers. [smashes a vase]

Marshall: [on the phone] Ted, I'm so sorry.
Ted: No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have spent six years passive-aggressively drinking coffee around you.
Marshall: And I shouldn't have taken that sewing class to learn to make that present costume.
Ted: I regret all of it.
Marshall: Me too. Except I actually don't regret that sewing class. I learned a fun and useful lifetime skill. But seriously, even without the coffeemaker, you've given us more than enough.
Ted: Well, there is one more gift on the way.
Marshall: Whatever it is, send it back. [horn honks]
Ted: It's a little late for that.
Man: [in car next to Marshall] Marshall Eriksen?
Marshall: Yes?
Man: I got your pizza.
Marshall: Ted. You are the best friend ever.
Ted: Don't say another word, Marshall. Save it for the thank-you note.
Marshall: You got it, buddy.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And kids, I got that thank-you note. Four months later. Four months.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Barney's bachelor poker game was winding down. Tim Gunn, out. Lily, busted. Marshpillow, fluffed and turned down. We were playing what we thought was our final hand, it was getting intense.
Billy Zabka: Action to Ranjit. Ranjit, action to you.
Ranjit: [wearing headphones] What?

Future Ted: [v.o.] Oh, you know what? I should explain why Lily was angry. Six years earlier, a few weeks after their wedding, Marshall and Lily were going through their gifts.
[flashback:]
Lily: That's weird. Did Ted get us anything?
Marshall: Come on, Lily, I mean, Ted's our best friend. If his gift hasn't arrived yet, it's on the way.
Future Ted: But time passed and no gift arrived. Finally, Marshall started dropping hints.
[flashback to a few months after the wedding:]
Marshall: Hey, man, it was great having you at our wedding.
Ted: Thanks, bro. And thanks for this coffee. It is great.
Marshall: You were not wedding absent. No, sir. You were wedding present.
Ted: Do I detect a note of hazelnut?
Marshall: [chuckles] Wedding present. [later] I think he got it.

James: Hey, Barney, I've got a wedding gift for you too. Don't get married. Ha, ha! In fact, it comes in his and hers. Don't get married. [in high-pitched voice] Don't get married. Ha, ha.

Robin: Hey, Barney, can you ask James to stop crapping all over marriage?
Barney: He's not crapping on marriage.
Robin: He literally drew this on the toilet.
[Robin lifts the toilet lid to reveal "Marriage" and a downwards arrow drawn on it]

Lily: [on the phone] Marshall, are you sitting down?
Marshall: I'm in a car. And you were pretty clear about the No-Teen-Wolfing-Now-That-I'm-A-Dad rule, so yeah, I'm sitting down.
Lily: Ted is getting Barney and Robin three wedding gifts.
Marshall: I hate him. Lily, requesting permission to make a stink.
Lily: Stink away.
Daphne: [winds window down] Hurry up and get it over with.

Barney: Robin has three jacks. James has just shy of a pair of sixes.
Robin: Thank you. [Robin takes all the chips and the ring]
James: I'm gonna hit the gym. Let me know if you wanna get dinner.
Robin: We'll give you a ring. Just not this one. Ho!