James: Barney. Here's a good one. What's the difference between a Journey song and a husband? A Journey song has a climax. Ha, ha. I'm sorry, Robin. I'm just messing with you. Raise a hundred.
Robin: No, it's fine. It's just funny hearing all this anti-marriage stuff from a divorced guy who still wears his wedding ring.
James: What, this? Only wear it because nothing attracts a gay guy faster than a wedding ring. Except saying hi to him. Or being in the same room. Or every app on my phone. People, it is a good time to be gay.

Marshall: Ooh! Chicago, there is this pizza place called Gazzola's, it's fantastic. It was closed for a while, but reopened.
Daphne: I'm sure they got a Godzilla's in New York. We're not stopping. It's just pizza.
Marshall: Just pizza? Let me tell you about the thing you say is just pizza. We begin with the first bite. Oh, the crunch. And then the marinara, that roiling lava of tomato and oregano, it overtakes you. I'm falling. And that's when she catches you. That chewy, voluptuous mistress, mozzarella. Her oven-kissed cheeks crackle with warmth in your mouth, cradling the sauce and the bread, letting you know that from now on... this is home. This pizza... is home.
Daphne: If it was so delicious, why'd they close it in the first place?
Marshall: Rats.
Daphne: We're not stopping!
Marshall: This road trip sucks!

Loretta: You get your brother's ring back.
Barney: Mom, please don't make me take sides.
Loretta: That's your brother out there. You two shared bunk beds and baseball mitts, and when you were hungry, these supple breasts... Arguably a little too long. Stinsons stand up for each other. Take care of this. I'm gonna play some cards. All right, chumps. I'm gonna tell you what I told Frampton's guitar tech when he couldn't find a condom. Let's gamble.

Ted: And I thought for sure you'd get it when I sent that note for the wrapping station.
[flashback:]
Ted: [writing] "Dear Marshall and Lily, this is a thank-you note to thank you for the gift-wrapping station. Because even though the wedding never happened, there's one thing that didn't leave me at the altar and that's my manners."
[present:]
Marshall: I can't believe this. Eriksens send thank-you notes. It's the one thing that we always do. We even have a family saying about it: "Lick it before you stick it." "It" being the stamp on the thank-you note before you stick it in the mailbox. I will make this right.

Ted: Oh. That's Marshall. I should take this. Well, call me Akira Yoshizawa. World's most famous origamist? I fold.

Robin: Hey, Ted, thanks again for your gift. He gave us a framed photo of all of us at the bar. And he's getting us two other wedding gifts.
Ted: What can I say? I just love giving wedding gifts. I love giving wedding gifts so much I wish I could marry giving wedding gifts and then get myself and giving wedding gifts a wedding gift. Maybe saying things like that's why I'm not married.

Future Ted: But I didn't get it. More months passed. His hints got more desperate.
[flashback to a few more months after the wedding:]
Marshall: Happy Halloween.
Ted: What are you supposed to be?
Marshall: Well, I'm a wedding present, Ted. How could you not get me a wedding present? I mean, how could you not get that I am a wedding present? Get me? A wedding present. Get me a wedding present.
[later that night, at MacLaren's:]
Marshall: Why isn't he getting it?
Lily: I don't know, why didn't you get the message to dress up like a pregnant teenager, home skillet?

Future Ted: [v.o.] But he kept on waiting. Until the summer of 2008 when I got engaged.
[flashback to a year and a half after the wedding:]
Marshall: So Ted's getting married, huh? Bet he'd love a gift from his old pal Marshall. Well, he can forget it.
Lily: We're getting them a gift.
Marshall: But Lily, this is the dream. The whole reason we wanted Ted to get married. So we could not give him a gift and he would know exactly how it feels.
Lily: Baby, I'm as pissed as you are, but we're getting them a gift. We have to.
Marshall: Fine. We'll get them a gift. A gift that'll send a message loud and clear. A gift-wrapping station. Oh, boy, this time he has to get it.
Future Ted: And not long after that, a package arrived.
[flashback to a month later:]
Marshall: Well, well, well, package from one Mr. Ted Mosby. It's a little late, but... What the balls is this?
Lily: It's a thank-you note for the gift-wrapping station.
[present:]
Future Ted: Which explains the face.
Lily: [angrily] Wedding gift.

Marshall: [on the phone] You, Ted Mosby, never got me and Lily a wedding gift. J'accuse!
Ted: I did too get you a gift. It was a coffeemaker. And you never sent me a thank-you note.
Marshall: Oh. So me-cuse?
Ted: You-cuse.

Marshall: [on the phone] You gave us a coffeemaker?
Ted: Not just a coffeemaker. I asked what they used at your favorite coffeehouse, and got you that exact one-tier-down model. And you know what you got me? Huh? [v.o.] No thank-you note. So I started dropping hints about it.
[flashback to six years earlier:]
Ted: Do I detect a note of hazelnut?
Marshall: Wedding present.
Ted: Kind of wanna say thank you to that note of hazelnut. Thank you, note.
Marshall: Ha, ha. Wedding present.
Ted: Anyway. Thank-you note. [later] Yeah, he got it.
[present:]
Ted: But you never got it. I drank so much coffee that year hoping you'd take the hint, my resting pulse was like the drum solo from "Wipe Out."