Ted: Okay. We have to start going someplace else. At this bar, I'm always going to be the guy who got left at the altar.
Marshall: This sucks.
Barney: Good Times.
Ted: Uh-oh. We lost Barney.
Robin: What do you mean?
Lily: There's a girl over there in a tight red sweater. So he's not listening to a word anyone's saying. Right, Barney?
Barney: Give Me a Break!
Ted: See, he figured out a while back he could fake an entire conversation just by saying titles of Black sitcoms from the '70s and '80s.
Barney: What's Happening?
Lily: Hey, Barney, want to go upstairs and do stuff to me that I won't even let Marshall do?
Barney: Ha. Diff'rent Strokes.

Marshall: Dude, fighting is for losers. We're civilized guys. Civilized guys don't fight. Unless it's with lightsabers. But that's like three to five years away, so...
Robin: Well, that's not true.
Marshall: Robin, I'm on the forums every day. Three to five Thanksgivings from now, I'm going to be carving
the turkey with Old Green.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Why do we fight? What does that thing deep within each of us, that compels us to settle disagreements with our fists? Whatever it is, it's there right from the beginning.
Lily: Stop fighting!
Boy: Why?
Lily: Because it's stupid and juvenile.
Boy: We're six. We are stupid and juvenile.

Doug: What the hell is this?!
Ted: Oh, some guys are sitting in our booth. But you know what? This is fine.
Doug: It's cool. I'll take care of it.
Lily: Oh boy, there he goes.
[There is a ruckus as Doug talks to the guys in the booth.]
Doug: Ladies, if you'll please adjourn to your usual booth. Gentlemen, I will require your assistance outside.
Ted: Our assistance with what?
Doug: We're going to go out in the alley and fight those guys.
Barney: What's happening now?

Ted: A fight. Should we go out there?
Barney: Come on, Ted. There's only three things you'll ever see me fight: The stubborn clasp of a bra, sexual harassment charges... nine for nine [kisses his fist and raises it to the sky]... And the urge to vomit when I see someone wearing brown shoes with a black suit. [gips]

Robin: No, I'm saying there are plenty of legitimate reasons to get in a fight. It might not be pretty, but in certain situations, you gotta do what you gotta do.
Ted: Right, I forgot. She thinks fighting's sexy.
Robin: No, I do not! A lot... Look, I come from a culture of hockey players. If a guy can throw down, it's somewhat way hot. And scars, hello! If a guy's got a scar, he's got a Robin. And if he's missing teeth? I'm missing my pants.
Barney: I'm missing my wisdom teeth. Outpatient procedure. Local anesthesia. Whatever. It ain't a thing. [flexes]

Doug: Hey! Victory drinks! Free! Free! Free! Free! [to Marshall] $7.50.
Marshall: Why do I have to pay?
Doug: 'Cause you don't got my back. These guys got my back.
Marshall: Okay, you know what, Doug? I will gladly pay. And you know why? Because that's what grownups do. They pay for their drinks, and they don't get into fights. You know what I was doing, while you guys were out there being immature? I'll tell you what I was doing.
Barney: Your nails?
Marshall: No, I was doing...
Ted: The relationship quiz in this month's Cosmo?
Marshall: No, I was doing...
Barney: Your best not to cry when Big came back for Carrie at the end of the Sex and the City movie?
Marshall: No. No. Spoilers much?
Marshall: I'll tell you what I was doing...
Robin: The captain of the football team because he gave you his promise ring and you look so pretty in your open back Homecoming dress?
Lily: Sorry.

Marshall: I hate those guys! Acting like they're the manliest guys in the universe, like they're Crocodile Dundee and David Hasselhoff.
Lily: Those are the manliest guys in the universe?
Marshall: I don't understand why they're getting all this attention. I mean, I'm the real hero here.
Lily: Yeah, you are.
Marshall: I'm serious, woman. Put it back in your pants.

Marshall: I don't know.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Actually, he did know that the worst we were looking at was a small civil settlement, and probably no criminal charges. But he was really pissed at us.
Marshall: I mean, you guys could be looking at some serious prison time.
Barney: Prison?!
Ted: I can't go to prison! I mean, I could get a lot of reading done, finally write some short stories. Work out all the time. Seriously, if I don't come out of there completely ripped...
Barney: Ted, we can't go to prison! People get shivved in the joint! Plus the meals are really starchy.

Marshall: Good news... I talked to the guys.
Ted: What guys?
Marshall: The guys you didn't beat up. They agreed to drop the lawsuit. Boom! Lawyered.
Barney: What? They agreed to drop it?
Marshall: Yeah. I just explained that you two are wusses. We had a good laugh about that. A good long laugh, actually. I explained how you get a mani/pedi once a month.
Barney: Weekly, Wolverine... some of us care.
Marshall: And how you played the hammer dulcimer in the Pre-Reformation Dance Society at Wesleyan.
Ted: Did you at least tell them we were one of the premier Medieval [med-ay-val] chamber groups in the Little Ivies?
Marshall: Oh, I did. And we all agreed it was much more likely that one guy beat up the three of them than that you two had anything to do with it, so...