Ted: Assault! They're suing us for assault!
Barney: Okay, well, what's the penalty for assault? What, do I have to pay a fine? Pick up trash on the highway? 'Cause I've done that before, know what I mean?

Marshall: Well, you guys should have thought of that before you beat up those guys.
Ted: What if we didn't?
Marshall: Didn't what, Ted?
Ted: Didn't beat up those guys. What if Doug beat up those guys all by himself and we didn't do anything?
Marshall: I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! You guys didn't throw a single punch.
Barney: Well, I hit Ted and myself, so...
Marshall: Well, who's the wuss now? Answer: You guys.
Ted: Look, can you just help us get out of this?
Marshall: You know the old expression: If you're not prepared to do the time don't pretend to do the crime and laugh and get free drinks and not stand up for your friend who, incidentally, has been in plenty of fights with his brothers. [Barney and Ted laugh]

Barney: [to Marshall] Look, you've got to help us out, Marshall. We're the Three Musketeers!
Ted: Yeah.
Barney: If I give up Ted, how much time am I looking at?

Robin: I've been looking for you. I got... tickets to this hockey game tonight. It's stupid. You want to go? It might go kind of late, so, maybe, after the game we can grab a drink.
Marshall: Robin, get this. You know that fight? These guys faked the whole thing.
Robin: I forgot! Tonight is no good. I can't go to that hockey game tonight, I got that... Uh... That, uh... That, uh... That, uh... [exits]

Ted: Wait, so... so now they're only suing Doug.
Marshall: Affirmative.
Ted: Angry, irrational, violent Doug, who now knows we were the ones who threw him under the bus.
Doug: [on the phone] They what?!
[later, in the alley behind MacLaren's:]
Ted: Look, Doug, we can explain...
Doug: Explain what? Explain how you stabbed me in the back right to my face?

Lily: Robin, I'm scared.
Robin: Yeah. Is Doug seeing anyone?
Lily: Are you seeing anyone? You really should.

Ted: And that's my story.
Lily: And what did you learn?
Ted: Well, I learned that fighting is bad and you shouldn't do it ever. Any questions?
Boy: Where do you find these people?
Boy #2: I know! Was there a big sale at the wuss market?
All: Wuss! Wuss! Wuss!

Future Ted: [v.o.] Of course, I didn't tell those kids what really happened.
[When Barney returns to the alley behind MacLaren's, both Ted and Doug are laid out on the ground]
Barney: Okay, I'm all warmed up. Let's do this thing. What happened?
Marshall: [holding Doug's toupee] This happened.
Ted: Holy crap!
Future Ted: [v.o.] Yeah, turns out Uncle Marshall and his brothers did a little more than just roughhouse.

Robin: Marshall looks good. Has he lost weight?
Lily: Bitch, don't even.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, I'd love to leave you with the message that fighting is bad and you shouldn't do it, but I know that's pointless. So, I'll leave you with this: Don't ever get in a fight with Uncle Marshall. That guy's freaking crazy.