Ted: Doug, look, you don't understand, you beat up those guys all by yourself.
Marshall: It's true, all right? They had nothing to do with it. I mean... look at these two.
Barney: [runs off] It was all Ted!
Marshall: Look at this guy.
Ted: Yeah, look at me!
Marshall: He wouldn't last 5 minutes in a fight.
Ted: I think I could last at least five...
Marshall: He's got the muscle definition of linguini.
Ted: Linguini with meatballs maybe... check it.

Doug: Okay, you know what, maybe it was just me. Actually, you know what, that makes a lot of sense. I tend to black out a lot. Anyway, look, I always got your back. All I ask in return is that you got mine. But you know what? You don't. You can't be counted on. No wonder your fiance left you.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And here it is, kids, the only fight I've ever been in. So what can I share about the experience?
Well, for starters, when you punch someone in the face, it hurts your hand. A lot. But what hurts even more than that? This. And the next thing I remember was waking up.
Barney: [returns] Okay, I'm all warmed up. Let's do this thing.
Ted: Turns out getting in a fight was a terrible idea.

[Thanksgiving day, three to five years later:]
Marshall: It is so good to be home. Mom, Lily, fantastic job. "Good food, good meat, good God, let's eat." Right? Okay, here we go. Goggles on. [Marshall powers up a lightsaber] All right, so, you guys pass the plates. Lily, you want white or dark meat?
Lily: Dark! Honey, please be careful.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, I've only been in one fight in my life. And this is the story of how it happened. Now, as you know, I recently had been left at the altar. And the worst thing about getting left at the altar? I mean, aside from actually getting left at the altar, was what came next. A steady unrelenting unbearable stream of pity.
Wendy: Cranberry Gin and tonic. [to Ted, rubbing his shoulder] Scotch and soda.
Ted: Thank you. Could I see a menu?
Wendy: Ted, I'm going to go get you a menu... but I promise you I will come back.

Doug: What the hell is this?!
Future Ted: [v.o.] I've told you kids about Doug, right? I haven't? Oh, well... Doug Martin was a bartender at MacLaren's. He was always kind of around.
[montage of previous moments at MacLaren's with Doug in the background:]
Barney: Have... you met Ted?
Ted: What? We're not playing "Have you met Ted?".
[cut]
Barney: [with a pencil up his nose] Am I dead? Am I dead?
[cut]
Barney: Tonight... I pick up a lesbian.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Anyway, three things you need to know about Doug. The first thing is that Doug had a bit of a violent streak.
Doug: ...crumbled, so he's on the ground, right? And we're just kicking him! He's making that face, all shaking. So, anyway, what we did... was we left him there. Top you off?
Future Ted: The second thing is that he was weird about his hair.
Doug: What?
Ted: What?
Doug: Are you looking at my hair?
Ted: No, sir. I was not.
Doug: It's a toupee. Is that funny? You want to laugh it up? Is it funny, guy? Is it? I'll tell you what, why don't you grab it?
Ted: Excuse me?
Doug: Go ahead, grab it. Grab it right off my head. Go ahead. You don't want to grab it? Come on. Come on, go ahead and grab it. Want to grab it off my head? Grab my toupee right off my head. [laughs] I like you guys!
Future Ted: But the third thing is that he was very loyal to his regulars.
Doug: Hey, hey. There they are! Hey, you guys want your booth?
Lily: Oh, no.
Marshall: We're fine over here. We're fine over.
Future Ted: Maybe a little too loyal.
Lily: No, it's fine.
Doug: [to a nun and a priest] Okay, you two lovebirds! Let's take this somewhere else... booth's reserved. Let's go! Now! Come on! Let's see some hustle, Father. Up you get. Okay, guys, here we are!
Future Ted: So, that's Doug.
Doug: What the hell is this?!

Ted: I'm sorry, did you just say we were gonna...
Doug: Those guys are being inconsiderate, okay? So we're going to go outside and cave in their skulls, okay? This will be fun! [exits]
Ted: He wants us to fight? Like... Like, with our hands and stuff?
Marshall: And feet maybe? I don't know what the rules are.

Ted: Maybe we should go out there.
Lily: I can't believe we're even having this discussion. You're 30, you're too old to act like this.
Future Ted: [v.o.] I was 30 and in those 30 years I'd been punched once.
[flashback to Ted being punched at a bar on St. Patricks' Day]
Ted: There's a very simple explana...
[flashback to a younger Ted being a counselor at camp:]
Future Ted: There was that thing at camp.
Ted: Today, we're going to braid friendship bracelets. [a kid punches Ted in the nuts]
Future Ted: In college, I studied some Kung Fu. And, well, there was some other stuff. The thing with the goat wasn't for another few months. The point is, I had never been in a fight.
Ted: I'm going out there.

Marshall: Dude, listen to me, please, trust me, I've been in plenty of fights. It's... really nothing to be proud of.
Ted: Who did you get in a fight with?
Marshall: My brothers.
Robin: [laughs]
Barney: Yes, I'm sure that was quite a rumble in the Eriksen rumpus room.
[flashback to Marshall and his brothers rough housing]
Barney: Oh, cocoa break!

Lily: Ted, don't do this. You're a nice guy. That's your best quality.
Ted: Is it? 'Cause I seem to rember this nice guy getting dumped by his fiancee for a Tae Kwon Do instructor. Look, this may sound crazy, but I... I think I need to do this. I think this is an experience I need to have. I'm going.