Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, sometimes when you're about to give up on your love life forever for the 17th time, destiny intervenes. Instead of rushing in... I took my time to think up the perfect opening line.
Ted: Wait, no, damn it. Come back! You're really... You're pretty!
[later, at MacLaren's:]
Ted: And before I could call out after her in any kind of embarrassing way that a bunch of teenagers made fun of for the next five stops while I stared straight ahead and pretended not to hear them, she was gone. But here's the thing about Ted Mosby. He doesn't give up!
Lily: [imitates alarm] Stalker Ted alert. Repeat, stalker Ted alert.
Marshall: Already has a yellow legal pad going. Repeat, already has a yellow legal pad going.
Ted: I'm not stalking. I just jotted down a few details to help me find her. Uh, like the fact that her smile was cute, but a bit crooked which can be a sign of teeth grinding. So I called up the city's top five T. M.J. specialists... and h-h-h-here's where it gets interesting.

Future Ted: [v.o.] They were right. You can't force destiny. If it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen. And funny story, kids.
Jeanette: Oh, my God. It's you.
Future Ted: It happened.

Ted: Subway girl's name is Jeanette and she does grind her teeth.
Lily: I assume that started the moment she met you?
Ted: Uh, well, the fact is she wanted to find me.
[flashback:]
Jeanette: The first thing I did was list out all the details I remembered about you.
Ted: Is that a yellow legal pad?
Jeanette: Yeah. I've even got a backup.
Ted: Oh, my God.
Jeanette: You had a tweed blazer and chalk all over your hands, so I figured you were either a professor or a British gymnast.
Ted: [British accent] I'm bloody good on the pommel 'orse. Regrettin' this accent. Can't seem to stop.
Jeanette: Then I asked the lady at the student center where I could find the youngest, cutest professor on staff.
Ted: And?
Jeanette: She sent me to a physics class.
Ted: Professor Leyborne? I wonder if she'd think "Dr. Goodhair" was so cute if she knew he hasn't been published in over a year.
Jeanette: Then she sent me here, but the security guard wouldn't let me in without an I.D. I was about to give up when the fire alarm just sent you out. It was like...
[present:]
Ted: Destiny. Right? Right? It's a meet-cute.

Ted: Now, Marshall, the story of how you asked out Lily is super sweet.
[flashback to Lily arriving at her college dorm room, where Marshall plays a guitar in the dark:]
Marshall: [singing] Lily, how you thrill me but it may just even kill me If you do not say "I will-y" to this question Will you go out with me?
Lily: I will-y.
[present:]
Ted: Dobler. But if Lily wasn't into you?
[fantasy scene of Lily arriving at her college dorm room, where Marshall plays a guitar in the dark. This time, Lily maces him.]
Ted: Dahmer. Whether a gesture's charming or alarming, depends on how it's received.

Ted: And I was charmed by Jeanette finding me. Hence, she's a Dobler.
Marshall: Don't you think it's a little convenient how that fire alarm happened to randomly go off?
Ted: What are you saying?
Barney: Ted, does she have enormous cans?
Ted: No.
Barney: Then what we're saying is she's a crazy stalker bitch who pulled that fire alarm, and you should run screaming.

Robin: It was me! I was a stalker. It was back in Canada. I liked a guy and he didn't like me, and... Well, I got a little obsessed. I'd fill up my journals all about him. And eventually, there may have been a teensy-weensy 50-meter restraining order.
Barney: Fifty meters? That's like... four years. Wow. You must have been a total nut bag.
Robin: I wasn't. Ted is right. There is a fine line. Anyone can cross it and get obsessed.
Barney: Yeah, if you're a total nut bag.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Thankfully, unlike Uncle Barney, I wasn't the kind of guy to fixate on one little detail.
Ted: That fire alarm, did you pull it?
Jeanette: This is embarrassing. I wasn't gonna tell you this, but... [v.o.] I'd come so far only to be sent packing
by that security guard, and well... I'm sorry. I just couldn't stand the idea of not meeting you.
[later, at MacLaren's:]
Ted: Could not stand the idea of not meeting me. Was it a little over the top to pull that fire alarm? Perhaps. But it charmed me. Hence, Dobler.

Marshall: Aha! You see? People don't put fire alarms out in front lobbies for just anyone to prank pull. They put smoke detectors up on the ceiling.
Ted: Hold on. I'm beginning to think that you guys didn't come here to see my new lectern. Are you implying Jeanette started a fire?
Marshall: Dahmer.
Ted: Dobler. She's John Cusack. I'm Ione Skye. And there is nothing weird about that.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, relationships are built on trust. So unlike Uncle Barney, I wasn't gonna keep digging and digging.
Ted: Did you start a fire?
Jeanette: This is embarrassing. I wasn't gonna tell you this, but... I'd come so far, only to be sent packing by that security guard... and, well... I'm sorry. I just couldn't stand the idea of not meeting you.
[later, in the apartment:]
Ted: Could not stand the idea of not meeting me.
Marshall: She set a fire, Ted! Dahmer.
Ted: You're just jealous 'cause Lily never burned anything for you.
Marshall: Clearly you never tried her pot roast.
[Barney hits a rim shot on a portable drum.]
Barney: I actually brought this for something different, but it worked out, right?

Ted: This is the most 1990s music video of all time.
Marshall: All it needs is a shirtless old man in black-and-white for no reason.
All: Aah!
Barney: Shh!