Ted: So, Captain. How'd you get that name, anyway?
The Captain: Gave it to myself. A real man chooses his own name.
Ted: Well, pleased to meet you, Captain. I'm Galactic President Superstar McAwesomeville.
Zoey: This is Ted.
The Captain: Capital. Honey, I may cut out early. I have to go check up on the boat.
Ted: The boat? There's a boat? You must tell me about this boat, Captain.
The Captain: Well, she's an 85-foot sloop.
Ted: She!
The Captain: Do you like boats? Does the sea call to you like it calls to me?
Ted: Yes. The sea is all like, "Ted, come hang out."
The Captain: I like Galactic President Superstar McAwesomeville. You're coming on the boat sometime. Stepping off.

Ted: Man, I wish me and my dad were as close as you guys are.
Zoey: Oh. You want to make this personal? Okay. [records] Destroy Ted Mosby. Now it's personal.
Ted: No, if I wanted to make it personal, I'd call you a bored little trophy wife who likes to play activist when the shops on 5th Avenue are closed.
Zoey: You're going down.
Ted: Down where? To the yacht club? Oh! I would love to. W-w-wait. I'm half Jewish, will that be a problem?

Ted: Hershey squirts.

[Robin is carrying a penguin exhibit]
Robin: [to Barney] Hey. How do you like my date's tux? [to a passing waiter] Ooh! Uh, a-thank you! Oh, none for him. He's stuffed. Stuffed.

Ted: Oh! Zoey! There you are. [to a man she was talking to] Oh, my God. You have a monocle. Is this real? Is this really happening?
Zoey: Can you excuse us for a moment? Let's go for a walk.
Ted: Good luck killing James Bond.

Zoey: What do you want from me?
Ted: I want my crossword day back. Okay? Go live your perfect little life, and leave me the hell alone.
Zoey: My life isn't perfect.
Ted: Oh, please, what's your biggest problem? Having to sail back to the marina because the Captain's all out of white Zin? Oh. Great. Now you're crying. Like that's going to get my sympathy.
Future Ted: [v.o.] It did.

Zoey: I got married when I was 22 to a man who calls himself The Captain.
Ted: He seems like a good guy. He wears those red pants.
Zoey: I hate boats, Ted. I do, I hate 'em. I can't be on them. I can't be near them. I can't even think about them without getting seasick. You want to know why I want to save that building? Because when I look up at The Arcadian, I see something big and solid, and right now everything else in my life just feels like I'm on a boat. I know it's crazy to care that much about a building.
Ted: It's not crazy at all. I'm the same way. Look, Zoey, The Arcadian should be a landmark, it should. The lion head stonework is iconic. I hate that we have to tear it down. I hate working for GNB. They're a bunch of wieners and gonads.
Zoey: Ted, that was... Really easy.
Ted: What? [Zoey plays back her recorder:] "They're a bunch of wieners and gonads."
Zoey: This should be useful.

The Captain: So I hear my wife got you pretty good.
Ted: She caught me on tape trashing GNB.
The Captain: Oh, that damn recorder. Try being married to that. "But you said you'd get the corgis neutered this weekend." "I said no such thing." "Oh, yeah?" Click. You're a good guy, Galactic President Superstar McAwesomeville. Tell you what, when Zoey goes to sleep, I'll find that tape and erase it for you. No hard feelings.
Ted: Really? You'd do that to your own wife?
The Captain: Sure. Why not? I mean, I'm glad she has these little causes, they keep her out of trouble, but when she throws a temper tantrum and it gets in the way of someone doing their job, that's a problem.
Ted: No, you know what? Don't erase the tape. And for what it's worth, I don't think she's throwing temper tantrums. I just think she's, you know, standing up for what she believes in. I respect that.
The Captain: Hey, what about this? I'll take you out on the boat sometime. Oh, you've got to see this boat. She's breathtaking.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, there's an amazing architectural phenomenon in the Natural History Museum. If you stand in the right spot, you can hear an entire conversation all the way across the room.

Curtis: Stinson was reprimanded and returned to the custody of his father, Jerome Whittaker.
Barney: Uh, no, uncle. Jerome Whittaker is my uncle. Uncle Jerry.
Curtis: Says father. He even signed it and checked the box for father and everything.
Barney: Jerry's my uncle. [scoffs]

[As Lily walks through the museum, she imagines an exhibit featuring College Marshall in his dorm room:]
College Marshall: Lily? Honey, what's wrong? You okay? Do you want a hit of this sandwich?
Lily: I want you.
College Marshall: Awesome. Let me just put a sock on the doorknob.
Lily: No. I mean, I want you as opposed to who you've become. You've changed so much.
College Marshall What? How have I changed? Did I cheat on you?
Lily: No.
College Marshall: Did I stop writing poems for you?
Lily: Yes, but I'm okay with that.
College Marshall: Am I not as good at making the sweet, sweet love to you?
Lily: Actually, you're way better now. You last, like, two, three times as long.
College Marshall: You said that any longer would be too much.
Lily: It's okay. College Lily thinks those are orgasms. No, it's... It's none of that. It's just this new Marshall, Corporate Marshall, he wears suits all the time. He doesn't care about saving the world. He's not you. I want you back.
College Marshall: Well, you can't have me. Look at the sign. I'm extinct. I've gone the way of Jane's Addiction.
Lily: Actually, Jane's Addiction got back together.
College Marshall: They did?
Lily: Yeah, they've done a few tours, they put out a new album.
College Marshall: Are you serious?! That is awesome! Are they just as good?
Lily: Sure.
College Marshall: Look, I know that Corporate Marshall wears a tie and everything, but it sounds like he hasn't changed where it counts.