Ted: Robin, you cannot sleep with my assistant. I'm trying to run a business here. How did this even happen?
Robin: Well, at lunch, when you go on your wisdom walks, it gives me and PJ some time alone together.
[flashback to Ted about to leave the apartment:]
Ted: Inspiration... do your thing.
PJ:It always does, sir. It always does.
Robin: Hey, PJ, I actually have an architectural question for you. How does Ted's ass taste?
PJ: I wouldn't know, but I assume it tastes like genius.
Robin: [sighs] Why is the bathroom locked?
PJ: Visitors need to sign in for the bathroom key.
Robin: Listen, Peej, and I want you to think this over real good before you answer. Are you telling me that I can't go to the bathroom in my apartment?
PJ: No, I am telling you that you need to ask permission to use the bathroom in my office.
Robin: Why is that so hot? [kisses PJ]

Ted: Secondly, this has to stop. Distracting PJ is going to kill our productivity.
Robin: What productivity? You haven't even called a single client.
Ted: Once I get the web site up, the brochures printed, and figure out what trust games we're going to play at the corporate retreat, I am making those calls.
Robin: Corporate retreat?
PJ: Mr. Mosby and I are going camping on the roof.

Barney: Hey, Sports Guy. I hear people are raving about your league.
Marshall: It's a lot harder than I thought it would be. Between entry fees and transaction fees and penalty fees, I'm actually... I'm holding on to a lot of money.
[flashback to Marshall collecting:]
Man: Great work, Sports Guy. That's for last week.
Marshall: [inner monologue] 60, 80, a hundred. This is $18,000 cash. It's not a big deal. I'll just take it home
and put it somewhere safe.
[later, he is on the streets of New York:]
Marshall: [inner monologue] Okay, just walking down the street with some money in my pocket. Don't touch the money. That's so obvious. Just be cool. Oh, no, the baby's on to me. Babies can smell money. Everyone knows that!
Marshall: [out loud] I'm carrying a lot of money!

Marshall: Seriously, dude, I'm not sure how much longer I can keep doing this.
Barney: Marshall, last week you were trash that no one wanted to look at. Now, you're Sports Guy.
Marshall: I was trash?
Barney: Last week!

Marshall: Hey, there's Ted Mosby of Mosbius Designs. How's the home office coming, buddy?
Ted: Well, it was going great till Robin started banging my assistant.
Marshall: Oh!
Robin: It's our apartment, okay? You leave a big chocolate cake on the counter, Mama's gonna cut her off a slice.

Marshall: Barney, dude, why are this upset about Ted not having sex with the people he hires?
Barney: Because it hurts!
Marshall: It hurts you how?
Barney: It hurts because I love... Ted... having sex with women. I'm a very dedicated wingman! Look, Lily's the only person that I can talk to about this stuff. So just get her to talk to me.
Marshall: I'll try, but there's no guarantees. She's still really outraged about that joke. That joke. Tore our little group apart, pitted people I love against each other. Seriously, I wish... I wish that joke had never come
into our lives. [both chuckle]
Barney: It's kinda of funny though, right?
Marshall: It's so funny, man.

Ted: Hey, good news, PJ. The brochures you designed just came in. Really interesting choice for the cover. I like how instead of one of my designs, you chose this.
[Ted holds up a brochure featuring a picture of PJ and Robin on the cover]
PJ: You know what? I must've sent in the wrong photo.
Ted: You think?

PJ: I love having all this free time to spend with you. I'm going to kiss you here... And here. And here and here. And... One more.
Ted: Please stop.
PJ: I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'll miss you.
Robin: I'll miss you, too.
Ted: You're already sick of him, aren't you?
Robin: He's driving me crazy. When PJ had a job, he was sexy. He was guardian of the bathroom key. A hot guy telling you when you can and can't pee? That's the dream.
Ted: "That's the dream"? The dream? Like what Martin Luther King was talking about?

Robin: Listen... Dude, I don't know.
PJ: What?
Robin: Yeah, it's just... It's not really... ix-nay, you know?
PJ: Ix-nay on what?
Robin: Not feeling it.
PJ: Not feeling what?
Robin: But friends and stuff.
Ted: Oh, my God, this is the worst breakup ever.
PJ: You're breaking up with me?
Robin: Well, if that's what you want, I totally understand.

Future Ted: [v.o.] With Robin and PJ broken up, I was free to make some staffing changes in the office.
PJ: Hi, welcome to Mosbius Designs.
Robin: You got to be kidding me?
Future Ted: [v.o.] And now that PJ was back at work...
[Ted returns home to find Robin and PJ kissing on the couch]
Ted: You got to be kidding me.