Marshall: Lily told me.
Barney: She told you? Great. I bet you guys have been laughing at me behind my back the whole time.
Marshall: Actually, in a weird way, we both think you're kind of perfect for each other.
Barney: You do?
Marshall: Matter of fact, we even try to sit on the same side of the booth so you two will have to sit together.
Barney: [high-pitched] Really? That's so sweet. [gruff] But let's be clear. I don't love her. Okay? I just... miss her when she's not around. I think about her all the time, and I imagine us one day running towards each other in slow motion, and I'm wearing a brown suede vest.

Robin: You want to talk about giving up? I used to describe my ideal guy as"funny, smart, passionate, challenging". And now, apparently, I will settle for... "in my apartment". Didn't you think you'd have it all more figured out by now?
Ted: Are you kidding? By 30, I was gonna be annoyingly successful, married to the perfect woman, maybe a kid on the way. Instead, I'm just some guy sitting in his apartment, having a staring contest with his phone. And losing.
Robin: Hey. You can take that thing.

Robin: Ted, I know you're nervous, but you've got to stop procrastinating. You've spent the last two days choosing the official pen of Mosbius Designs.
Ted: Hey, I've made some progress! I've eliminated felt-tip. Who am I kidding? Felt's back in the ballgame.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, after getting laid off, I was finally pursuing my lifelong dream: Starting my own architecture firm. All I needed was some clients.
Robin: I think it's so great that you're striking out on your own, Ted. I admire that.
Ted: Thanks. And thanks for being so cool with me using the apartment.
Robin: Yeah, of course. Anything you need.
Ted: Hey, small thing, do you mind not watching television during business hours?
Robin: This isn't working!
Ted: I'm sorry. It's just, I.... I can't concentrate while Wheel of Fortune is... A penny saved is a Penny Marshall! Yes!

Barney: Keeping your job has nothing to do with hard work. You need a thing.
Marshall: What do you mean, a thing?
Barney: You know, something that makes you fun and well-liked, like Marcus Denisco.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Marcus Denisco worked in account services and was perhaps the most expendable employee at the company.
Marcus Denisco: I brought some donuts. They're probably stupid.
Future Ted: But eventually, he came to be known as...
All: Food Guy!
Marcus Denisco: Who wants some pulled pork? Of course you do! Come on!

Marshall: I love Food Guy. They could never lay him off. You know what I love about Food Guy?
Barney: He always has food.
Marshall: He always has food.

Barney: See? That's what you need. You need that thing that makes you a guy.
Marshall: Oh, I have that thing that makes me a guy. Maybe even a guy and a half.
Barney: Not that thing. You know, a thing. Like Toy Guy.
[fantasy scene of Marshall and Barney meeting with an HR rep in an office filled with toys:]
H.R. Rep: Guys, bad news. As your HR rep, I got to review the new overtime scheduling policy with you. The good news is we're gonna do it while wearing Wolverine claws!

Marshall: You're right. I do need a thing.
Barney: But choose wisely. You don't want to be Creepy Back Rub Guy.
[flashback to Barney and Marshall eating lunch in the conference room:]
Barney: Don't fill up. Food Guy's got panna cotta in his office.
Douglas: Hey, buddy.
Marshall: Hey, Douglas.
Douglas: You're so tight.
Marshall: I was relaxed about two seconds ago.
Douglas: [to Barney] You're next.

Marshall: Wait! Wait! I did used to run a fantasy baseball league back in law school.
Barney: That's not bad. You might be on to something.
Marshall: Awesome. Awesome! I'll be Fantasy Guy!
Barney: Eh, we'll have to make you Sports Guy. We already have a Fantasy Guy.
[A man walks by wearing a robe and carrying a scythe:]
Fantasy Guy: What's up, bros?
Barney: Hey, Frank.

Ted: [answers phone] Hello? PJ, where are you? You're never late. You're on top of the Empire State Building? Listen to the old gal. She's got some stories to tell. Take all the time you need. Okay. [hangs up] Wait a second.
"Ted Mosby Home". Oh, my God, the call is coming from inside the house.
[Ted walks into Robin's room and finds PJ with her in bed]
Ted: That's not the Empire State Building.