Ted: OK, this is getting weird, the similarities go on and on. She hates phonies. I totally hate phonies too. She's a dermatologist. I have skin.
Barney: You wanna be her boyfriend. She already has a boyfriend. It's uncanny.

Robin: Wow, that's a pretty sophisticated trap. You think the road runner's gonna fall for it?
Lily: OK, we get it. You're skeptical. But Marshall and I, we're believers. We believe.
Marshall: Yeah, look around. The universe is mysterious and awesome. You got the Bermuda triangle, ghosts, Big Foot.
Robin: Bad maps. Creaky houses. Hillbilly in a gorilla suit.
Marshall: Aliens. [Robin shakes her head] Oh, come one, you gotta give me aliens. Stonehenge. Area 51. There's alien crap all over the place.
Robin: You can't be serious.
Marshall: My friend, you just poked the bear.

Marshall: On the night of July 2nd, 1947, conditions were clear over Roswell, New Mexico.
Robin: Oh, geez.
Marshall: Oh, hey, Ted, there's a message on the machine for you. Dr. O'Brien.
Ted: What?
Marshall: When suddenly, an array of...

Ted: What should I do? I should totally go down there, right?
Lily: Don't interfere. Some guy is expecting to marry this woman on Saturday.
Ted: Yeah, an 8.5 guy. Look, if I was marrying the wrong person and the right person was out there and knew it, I'd want that person to come down to my dermatology office and tell me so. In that scenario, I'm not interfering, I'm a happy ending.
Barney: [chuckles] Happy ending.

Marshall: Oh, my God!
Lily: Holy crap. We got it! What do we do with it?
Marshall: Calm down, I have a plan. I told my friend, Sudeep, about it. He wants to show it to the Columbia biology department. But it has to be alive.
Lily: Wait, no no. They'll do lab experiments on it. That's so mean. Shouldn't we just beat it to death with a bat?

Ted: Hi, Ellen. I think I want my money back.
Ellen: I'm a failure. I'm all washed up. I tried everything, Ted. I widened the search parameters. I tweaked the program. Last night, I stood out on the street for five hours showing your photo to random pedestrians, no takers. Although this transvestite hooker said he/she would do you for half price because you kinda look like John Cusack and his/her favorite movie was Say Anything.
Ted: Come on, Ellen, I mean, a pint of ice cream isn't that a bit cliché?
Ellen: It's for the bourbon.

Ted: This isn't hopeless. You're gonna find someone for me.
Ellen: No, I won't. You're gonna die alone.
Ted: I'm not gonna die alone. Look at me. I'm bright, I'm attractive. You just have to get back out there and keep looking.
Ellen: No, you're never gonna find anybody. And every year, you're just getting older and it's getting harder and harder.
Ted: You're being ridiculous. I'm gonna be up on that wall one of these days.
Ellen: No, you won't.
Ted: Yes, I will
Ellen: How do you know?
Ted: I don't know, but I believe. Hell, if a cockroach and a mouse can find love in this crazy city, then, dammit, so can I.
Ellen: You're losing me.

Ted: Point is, something good is going to happen to me. Maybe your computer will help, maybe it won't, but it'll happen.
Ellen: So I should keep looking?
Ted: Of course you should. And now you're gonna do it for free.

Ted: There are no women for me out there? I thought you said there were eight.
Ellen: I know. There are supposed to be. I don't know where they are.
Ted: But, I'm an architect. And you said I'm cute. I'm a cute architect.
Ellen: How do you think I feel? I have a 100% success rate. It's my hook. I could probably find somebody for you if you were gay.
Ted: Well, I'm not.
Ellen: A little bi maybe?
Ted: No! You're messing with me, right?

Ted: Hi.
Sarah: Hi, I'm Dr. O'Brien.
Ted: I'm Architect Mosby. Sorry I just wanted to say my job too. [Sarah laughs] Hi, I'm Ted.
Sarah: So, what are we doing today?
Ted: I have a kind of mole on my back. It's probably nothing but I'm a cautious guy.
Sarah: I'm exactly the same.
Ted: [singing] Summer breeze makes me feel fine, blowing through the jasmine in my mind.
Sarah: [joins in singing] Blowing through the jasmine in my mind.
Ted: Sorry about that, Summer Breeze is my guilty pleasure song. Oh, it's been stuck in my head ever since I heard it this weekend at brunch.
Sarah: I love brunch.
Ted: It's the best, as long as I don't have to spend it with a bunch of phoneys.
Sarah: I like the way you think, Architect Mosby.
Ted: Hey, this may sound weird but it'll definitely sound more weird once my shirt's off so I'm gonna ask you now. Do you wanna have dinner with me Saturday night?
Sarah: Oh, that's very sweet, but I'm actually getting married on Saturday.
Ted: Friday night?