‘Matchmaker’
Season 1, Episode 7 - Aired November 7, 2005
After Barney drags Ted to a matchmaker, she promises to find a woman for him in three days. Meanwhile, Marshall and Lily do battle with a mysterious beast.
Quote from Marshall
Robin: Well, we know that there's no such thing as the cockamouse. What we don't know is what you guys have been smoking.
Marshall: So you really don't believe in the cockamouse?
Robin: Well, I believe that you saw something perfectly normal but you've exaggerated it in your mind. You know, um, like the Loch Ness Monster.
Marshall: If by "like the Loch Ness Monster," you mean, totally exists and is awesome, then yeah, it's like the Loch Ness monster. It's diet is not unlike our own, grains, cereals and it's awfully fond of cheese.
Quote from Marshall
Marshall: Robin, open the window!
[After Robin opens the window, Marshall throws the cockamouse out]
Robin: It can fly.
Lily & Marshall: Wow.
Marshall: Be free, mutant beast. I'll miss this private war of ours. I grew to admire your tenacious. Oh my God, it's headed this way.
[Marshall slams the window shut. The animal flies directly into the glass]
Quote from Future Ted
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, before I met your mother, when I was still out there searching, I learned something valuable, that love is not a science.
Daughter: Wow, that was a great story, Dad.
Son: We're gonna go watch TV.
[Daughter and son get up to leave]
Future Ted: You see, sometimes in life, you just have to accept that certain things can't be explained. And that's kinda scary.
Quote from Marshall
Ted: What was it?
Marshall: Only the craziest, meanest looking mouse you've ever seen.
Lily: Mouse? Sweetie, that wasn't a mouse. That was a huge cockroach.
Marshall: Baby, it was a mouse. It had a whiskers.
Lily: But those things coming out of his head, those were antennae
Barney: Marshall ran away from a cockroach.
Marshall: It- It was a mouse.
Barney: Oh, yeah, sorry, my bad. You're a man.
Quote from Robin
Robin: [on TV] I'm here with Ellen Pierce, New York's premiere matchmaker. Ellen, your company, Love Solutions boasts a 100% success rate. What's your secret?
Ellen: Science. Everything in life can be broken down to ones and zeros, even love. All I have to do is input the variables, run the algorithm, and presto manifesto, you have a soulmate, and it works. Just ask all of my happy couples. And these are just the attractive ones, I have more photos in the bathroom.
Robin: Love Solution's Ellen Pierce, a beacon of hope for New York city's lovelorn.
Quote from Marshall
Marshall: No, it wasn't a cockroach. It had fur and only mammals have fur.
Lily: It was a cockroach.
Marshall: Come on, Lily, the only way that that was a cockroach was if it was wearing the skin of a mouse it just killed.
Quote from Barney
Barney: Ted, hurry, you gotta help me. My boat is sinking.
Ted: What?
Barney: My boat is sinking.
Ted: You have a boat?
Barney: Yes, I bought a boat last year at a police auction. I just got a call from a guy down at the marina that it's leaning starboard at a 45 degree angle. If I don't get there right now, it's gonna capsize. Now, come on!
[cut to Ted and Barney in the dating agency's office]
Ted: Your boat is sinking. That was good.
Barney: Come on, Ted, this is an incredible opportunity. We'll meet our soulmates, nail 'em and never call them again.
Quote from Ted
Ted: When someone says you're gonna meet the perfect woman in three days, you gotta put that in your datebook, so...
Ellen: How do I say this? This is gonna be really hard. Ted, there are absolutely no women out there for you. Phew, actually I got through that OK.
Quote from Ted
Ellen: Yes, 9.6 is off the charts, but Sarah is matched up. Ted, look, I have a lunch. Please. I promise we will find you somebody. Don't lose hope. There are new women turning 18 every day.
Quote from Marshall
Lily: It's a whole new species. The cockamouse.
Marshall: And it's the size of a potato.
[Marshall shows everyone his drawing of The Cockamouse]
Robin: So, what, now it's a cockapotatomouse?
Marshall: Don't make it sound ridiculous. It's a cockamouse.