Marshall: This painting has caused too much grief already. I'm destroying it right now.
Barney: Oh, no, what's the matter, Marshall?
Marshall: Where is it?
Barney: I'll tell you where it is if you'll answer these riddles three.
Marshall: You hung it up in the bar, didn't you?
Barney: Yo, why you gotta ruin my riddles?

Lily: Well, what if I found a way to make a little extra money so that we spend our honeymoon not in Howe Caverns, but in Scotland?
Marshall: Loch Ness?
Lily: Yeah. And you know, Edinburgh and the Highlands and Glasgow...
Marshall: Loch Ness. Nessy. Baby, I would love to search for the enchanted creature of the Emerald Loch, but we can't afford that.
Lily: Maybe we can.

[flashback to Barney and Lily at MacLaren's:]
Barney: A nude Barney is a challenge. But I think you're talented enough to immortalize this. Now is the time. I'm 31. I'm at the peak of my physical beauty. If I were a woman, I'd have passed it long, long ago. Long ago.
Lily: Forget it. I promised Marshall he was the only guy I would ever see naked.
Barney: I'll give you $5,000.
[back to Lily and Marshall in bed:]
Marshall: We're going to Loch Ness!
Lily: Yeah!

Ted: Morning, team. So, I have given it some thought, and I say we revisit columns.
Mr. Druthers: Oh, God, not this again. Ted, a man in a toga just arrived and delivered a parchment. Let me read it: [mumbling] Oh, it's from ancient Greece. They want their basic architectural elements back. Geez.
Ted: What?
Mr. Druthers: You didn't hear me? Toga, parchment... [mumbling]
Ted: Can I see you for one second?
Mr. Druthers: Ooh, I'm in trouble now.

Lily: Hold still. Hold still. Hold still!
Barney: Paint faster!
Lily: Okay, I guess it's time. Drop your shorts.
Barney: Yeah. Wait, wait, that wasn't enough buildup. I need... In a world without justice, one man...
Lily: Oh, just drop them!
Barney: All right.

Marshall: [enters] No! No, this is not right!
Barney: We had a deal!
Marshall: Well, I'm going back on the deal. Barney, get out!
Barney: You...! [exits]
Marshall: It's over! [loudly] Lily, I can't let you go through with this! [quietly] I found a castle we can stay in, but it's an extra two grand. [loudly] It's just not right! [quietly] It's beautiful and they say it's haunted. [loudly] I can't let the woman I love compromise her values for money! [quietly] I totally think we can get some more money out of him. [loudly] I'm never letting my fiancee, ever...! [opens door] Oh, you're still here?
Barney: Before you say anything, I'll give you an extra five grand.
Marshall: We accept.
Barney: You people are so easy to control. [laughs] Dance for me, puppets, dance.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that's how Uncle Barney paid for Lily and Marshall's honeymoon.

Mr. Druthers: Guys, you have no idea how much this means to me right now.
Ted: Wait, his birthday was yesterday!
Man: Yeah, but a bunch of us were up at the conference in Montreal, so we thought...
Ted: No! No birthday! No! I got something to say and I'm gonna get it out. Hammond, listen to me. I am sorry that your dog died, and that your wife is divorcing you and that... your life is falling apart and that these guys missed your birthday. And there is no easy way to say... What are you doing? What's going on?
Mr. Druthers: Oh, God... [clutches chest]
Ted: Oh, come on, you're not going to pull that, are you? Oh! Look, yeah, right. Now we're falling onto the ground. Well, nice try, but guess what? You're fired! You're fired, you get it? You hear me? You're gone! You're fired!
[later, Mr. Druthers is wheeled out on a stretcher with an oxygen mask on his face as his colleagues applaud him]
Ted: In my defense, I think we all suspected Hammond might have been faking. On the plus side, the EMTs seem to think he's going to be just fine and, as you saw, they did admit that I did not cause the heart attack, even if they said it a bit begrudgingly.

Ted: I can't believe you knocked over my model.
Mr. Druthers: Well, it's just... It's not exactly new, is it? Columns? I mean, what's your next groundbreaking idea, ceilings? Floors? Windows?
Future Ted: [v.o.] I know what you're thinking: Who's this jerk? Well, this jerk was Hammond Druthers, a legend in the architecture community. Very big in the '80s. He was also far and away the worst boss I ever had. Then I designed the Spokane National Bank Building. And suddenly, I was his boss. And he didn't like it.
Mr. Druthers: Stairs?
Future Ted: And to be honest, I wasn't sure I liked it either. See, before, when I was just another employee, I was happy, carefree. The guy who hung out in the break room making fun of the boss.

Future Ted: [v.o.] The hours were insane. I was always working even when I wasn't at work.
Ted: Oh, Robin... I just had a great idea.
Robin: Oh, do whatever you want to me just don't wake me up.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Before, I used to be this guy.
Ted: Dude, of course you should take the day off for the Foo Fighters concert. Just say you're sick.
Future Ted: But now...I was this guy.
Ted: Sick, huh? Unbutton your shirt. Hmm... "Foo Fighters." Get back to work.