Ted: What's going on?
Mr. Druthers: Okay, fine, yes. Not that it's any of your business but my wife had a little spat a few weeks ago, and I've been sleeping here until she cools off.
Ted: Okay, well, uh, you're right. That is none of my business. Uh, look, there's no easy way to say this-- I...
Mr. Druthers: Who am I kidding? She's never gonna take me back.
Ted: It's okay.
Mr. Druthers: What did you want to say to me?
Ted: Happy birthday, buddy.

Ted: So, you've been living at the office?
Mr. Druthers: Yes. I'm an architect without a home. You see the tragic irony in that?
Ted: Yeah, I do.
Mr. Druthers: 'cause I design homes.
Ted: I see it.
Mr. Druthers: But I don't have a home.
Ted: Not lost on me at all. But I don't understand, why don't you just go to a hotel? You could be sleeping on a mattress instead of... what appears to be torn-up drawings of my building.

Mr. Druthers: Why would I go to a hotel, when any second, she's going to call and tell me to come home. She's a very special lady, Ted. She's quite... mannish. She gives me what I need. Do you understand that?
Ted: Uh, no, I don't.
Mr. Druthers: If you were lost in the wilderness, she can provide for me.
Ted: Well, that's the dream.
Mr. Druthers: I'm glad you came here tonight, Ted.
Ted: Me too, Hammond.
Mr. Druthers: Call me Ham.
Ted: No, thanks.
Mr. Druthers: Hammy D?
Ted: No, I think just Hammond.

Ted: That cabby would not shut up.
Mr. Druthers: Yeah, we should call him a gabby.
Ted: I think it, you say it.
Mr. Druthers: Hey, uh, thanks for putting me up last night, buddy. Give 'em hell.

Ted: What are you doing? I thought we were friends. You slept on my couch, you ate my cereal. I tossed you more toilet paper.
Mr. Druthers: We are friends. But that doesn't magically make your bad ideas good.
Ted: What? I don't believe this! You're- You're- You're wearing my clothes! And my girlfriend's sneakers. Man, you have weirdly small feet.

Future Ted: [v.o.] And so, as Lily began painting, Marshall thought about the $5,000 and what his fiancee was doing to earn it.
Marshall: [holding the cash in his hands at the bar] This isn't right. This isn't right at all.
Future Ted: Finally, he could take it no more.

Mr. Druthers: Come on, Ted, listen, why don't we get back and finish drawing the plans for a building which, in my opinion, is never going to get built, so you and I can get out of here and grab a couple of beers.
Ted: No. Look, Hammond, there's no easy way to say this but...
Man: Looking for Hammond Druthers.
Mr. Druthers: Oh, that's me. I'm Hammond Druthers.
Man: These are divorce papers. You've been served.
Ted: Oh, God.
Mr. Druthers: She's really going through with this. So that's it. It's over.
Ted: There is no easy way to say this, but...
Mr. Druthers: She's giving me the remains of Wolfie? My dog is dead? Oh, my God. I can't believe this. She always played too rough with him.
Ted: Believe me, there is no easy way to say this...
Employees: [singing] # Happy birthday to you... #
Ted: You've got to be kidding me!

Future Ted: [v.o.] And there it was, rock bottom: They all hated me. But just when all seemed lost, I had the greatest idea of my entire career.
Man: Margarita Fridays, great idea, boss.