Marshall: Okay, Ted. Bar. Now.
Lily: Nice try. You're gonna stick me with that baby, so that you guys can spend five minutes sorting out his love life followed by an hour of you getting drunk and pretending to be in The Departed.
Marshall: You know what? I'm sorry, Lily. Okay? But I just need to know. [Boston accent] Are you a cop?
Ted: [Boston accent] I'm not a cop!
Marshall: Are you a cop?
Ted: I'm not a cop!

Marshall: Food going in isn't the problem. It's what's coming out... or not coming out. He hasn't pooped in three days.
Lily: Yeah. Normally, I wouldn't wish one of his dirty diapers on my worst enemy, but now I kind of miss poppin'
the hood in the morning and finding that first big, juicy, black...
Ted: Lily! I'm eating chili. I'm eating chili, Lily.
Lily: Confetti. Big blast of confetti. Normally, the kid's a confetti machine. He's Rip Taylor in a diaper.
Marshall: I have a feeling at this point, Rip Taylor is Rip Taylor in a diaper.
Ted: And with that image, dinner is done.

Robin: So, it's been three days since I said yes.
Barney: True.
Robin: And your panic attacks are getting shorter and further apart.
Barney: I can't do this! I feel like I'm drowning! Also true.
Robin: So I guess we're officially engaged. Maybe we should tell our parents. I assume my dad already knows. You did call him and got his permission, right?
Barney: [chuckles] Yeah, yeah, Robin. I... I bought you with an ox and some spices from the East. He's gonna put you in a cage and send you on horseback to my remote desert camp.
Robin: Okay, Barney...
Barney: Hold on. I'm not done. Where you'll be bathed in perfumes and oils and delivered to my tent. After you perform the traditional Dance of the Seven Veils, we'll adjourn to the tiger skin rug where we'll...
Robin: Barney...
Barney: Robin! If we're gonna build a marriage together, we have got to stop interrupting each other all the time.
Robin: Fine. Finish your story.
Barney: Thank you. Where we'll... do it.
Robin: Did you ask for my father's permission?
Barney: No, I did not.

Robin Sr.: I'm glad you could meet me here at my favorite restaurant. Carol and I come here all the time.
Robin: I... You... When... Da... Who's Carol?
Robin Sr.: Oh, right. You... You haven't met Carol. Um, very special woman. Forty-eight years old, dental hygienist, no kids. Likes Zumba. She's the reason I moved to New York City.
Robin: Eight months ago. Thanks for the call, by the way.
Robin Sr.: Well, I figured you knew. It's on my Facebook page. You really should respond to my friend request. I post a lot of great stuff. Are you familiar with memes? There's a cat who says, "I can has cheezburger?"

Robin: Well, I am going to the room marked "Spaghettis", which I'm hoping is the ladies' room. "Meatballs" has to be men's, right? I don't know what the hell "Calamaris" is.
[later:]
Robin: And it turns out "spaghettis" are men. I saw a noodle.

Future Ted: [v.o.] I made a pretty strong case that night, but in the end, she didn't want a deejay. She wanted a band. And guess what happened.
[four months later:]
Ted: That's right. The band canceled at the last minute... just like I said they would. The wedding is in a week, and no bands. When will people realize I always know what's what?
Cindy: He says to the lesbian he dated for a month.
Ted: That's a fair point. Anyway, you guys wouldn't, uh, happen to know of any good wedding bands... available at the last minute, would you?
Casey: Ted, do you believe in destiny?
Ted: You really don't know me, do you?
Cindy: We just had brunch with my ex-roommate.
Ted: The bass player?
Cindy: No, she's not just a bass player. She's a bass player in the best wedding band in the tristate area. They had a gig lined up for this weekend, but it just fell through this morning.
Casey: You, my friend, are gonna save that wedding.
Ted: Do you know any deejays?
Cindy: Dude, come on!
Casey: Let it go, bro. Just let it go.
Ted: All right, all right, all right. Well, I guess, uh... Guess it's a lucky thing I ran into you guys.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And, kids, "lucky" doesn't even begin to describe it. Because if Robin and Barney had taken my stupid advice and hired a deejay... I never would have met your mother.

Ted: I am happy for them.
Lily: Is all you'll let yourself say out loud. Because if you said anything to the contrary, well, that would make you the most awful person on this rooftop. So, I'm gonna give you an out.
Ted: And how are you gonna do that?
Lily: By saying something that is even more awful.
Ted: Like what?
Lily: Sometimes I wish I wasn't a mom. Sometimes I want to pack a bag and leave in the middle of the night, and not come back.
Ted: Robin shouldn't be with Barney. She should be with me.
Lily: You serious?
Lily: I don't know. I mean, I love being a mom. I... I love Marvin so much. But do you remember when I wanted to be an artist? Art was my whole life. And- And now it's been months since I've even picked up a brush. I-I spend the whole day taking care of kids at my job... and I come home, and it's more of the same. It just... It never lets up. It's just really, really hard, Ted.
Ted: Have you talked to Marshall about how you feel?
Lily: Have you talked to Robin about how you feel?
Ted: Fair enough.
Lily: I just think we have to accept our lots in life... and I have to be a mom to a... a beautiful, wonderful, if slightly constipated, little boy. And you have to let Robin and Barney get a band.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, in late 2012, I received a very important text message. Uncle Barney and AuntRobin were engaged, marking a truly happy time for our little group. The problem was... one of us was definitely not happy.
Marshall: Marvin will not stop crying.
Ted: What do you guys think it is? Is he hungry?
Lily: Well, that must be it. Huh! Thank you for thinking of that, Ted. And here we were just watering him and facing him towards the sunlight. Sorry. I haven't slept in... January.

Lily: Here comes the bride! Now the annoying part, right? Planning the wedding. So not fun, right?
Robin: I don't know. I'm kind of looking forward to it.
Lily: Fine. I'll do it for you. First thing we need to do is set a date.
Ted: May 25, 2013.
Lily: Thank you, Ted. The ladies are talking.
Robin: Actually, that... That is the date. Ted offered to help with the planning a little. And, well, uh...
Lily: That's a big binder.
Ted: Oh, this? This is just cakes. Anyway, we're having the ceremony at that beautiful little church out on Long Island, where Victoria almost got married. Lovely spot. And then we're gonna have a reception in a big white tent on the front lawn of the hotel. Oh, and, uh, the colors are cream and lilac.
Lily: I'ma cut you, bitch!

Robin: So, as some of you know, my dad is a little scary.
Ted: A little? Dude's a stone-cold Slytherin.
Marshall: He always looks like he just came from slapping some guy tied to a chair in a back room.