Robin: I know I already told you this, but my dad is a scary guy.
Barney: Please, I think I can handle... Oh, vampire in the daylight. Vampire in the daylight!
Robin: Oh.
Robin Sr.: Hello, Robin.
Robin: Hello, sir. [holds out hand]
Robin Sr.: Put that thing away. Give your old man a hug.
[present:]
Robin: And then it got really scary.

Robin: Okay, what the hell happened to you?
Robin Sr.: Robin, I know in the past, I have been... emotionally distant. But Carol has brought out a whole new side of me. I have a new outlook on life, a devil-may-care insouciance that embodies the credo, "No shirt, no shoes, no problem." Robin, I'm fun now.
[present:]
All: Oh!
Lily: He's fun now?
Marshall: That does not sound fun.
Ted: No child should have to see a parent go through that.

Barney: Sir, hi. My name is Barney Stinson.
Robin Sr.: This is Barney? This man is blond. Grown men are not blond!
Robin: Dad!
Robin Sr.: Pleased to meet you. That's a very... fun hair color.
[present:]
Ted: That's nothing. When he met me, his first words were, "Nice blouse."
Robin: You were wearing a blouse.
Ted: It was not a blouse!

Barney: Oh, great. You're all here. Let's talk about our wedding band. How much do you guys think they should rock? 'Cause I vote a million.
Ted: Yeah. Yeah, I think we already settled on a deejay, so...
Barney: Lily, do you remember the band you guys almost hired for your wedding?
Lily: Remember them? I'll call them up and book them for you. Just say the word.
Ted: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I... I feel like we keep coming back to this deejay thing.

Future Ted: [v.o.] The next day, Uncle Barney met Robin's dad for lunch... at the same restaurant... this time, with a plan.
[Barney has a black beanie on his head]
Barney: Hello, Mr. Scherbatsky. I think we got off on the wrong foot.
[Barney removes the beanie to reveal jet-black hair]
Robin Sr.: You have my attention.
Barney: I left the meatball at home so I could talk to you spaghetti to spaghetti. Sir, I'm very serious about marrying your daughter.
Robin Sr.: Barney, when I wanted to marry Robin's mother, I slaughtered a whole family of bears with my bare hands. I gave the pelts and the bear meat to her father as tribute. You know what we call that in Canada? Manners.
Waiter: Would either of you like a Mudslide?
Barney: I just had one, thank you.

Ted: Still crying, huh?
Lily: Yeah. We've tried everything short of a pack of smokes and a cup of coffee. Still nothing but clean dipeys.
Marshall: There's only one explanation for this. Marvin has potty-trained himself. He sneaks into the bathroom while we're sleeping. I'll ask Barney to check the tapes.
Lily: Barney has cameras in our bathroom?
Marshall: Well, I mean, don't you think?

Lily: Bad news. That wedding band you wanted is booked for May 25.
Ted: Oh, no. What are you gonna do? Oh! Oh, hey! Here's an idea.
Lily: Oh, God, Ted, if you suggest a deejay...
Ted: Far from it. I was gonna suggest a band. A band called Kool and the Gang. Robin, would you like for me... to get Kool and the Gang to play at your wedding?
Robin: Uh, yeah, I guess so.
Ted: And would it be okay if they invited their friends, Beyonce and ABBA, and the Bee Gees and Journey and Queen? What? What are you say... How... How is that even possible? I'll tell you how. You hire a deejay. Wicka-wicka-wicka! Burn.

Robin: Ugh! God, this is, like, the 15th time my dad has sent me a friend request. I'm just gonna hit "accept."
Ted: No!
Marshall: No, no, no. Don't do it, Robin. You don't want to see what's behind that door.
Robin: What are you talking about?
Ted: He's talking about my mom's 2,000-word review of Fifty Shades of Grey. And 14 of those words were "vulva."

Marshall: You're gonna get endless requests to play some game that has something to do with gangsters and farming.
Lily: Never mind the embarrassing cheerleading photos from high school.
Marshall: Begged my mom to burn those.

Robin: What... What the hell is this?
Barney: Your dad is crazy! He wanted me to kill Fluffernutter!
Robin Sr.: I told you not to give him a name!
Barney: Well, I did! I gave him a name and a backstory. He comes from a magical rabbit warren underneath the old rusty tractor. He was the runt of the litter, but he persevered.
Robin Sr.: Oh, give me this. Give it to me!