Jill: When I was a little girl we moved all the time. My mom never questioned it. She'd just say, "Whatever's good for your father is good for all of us." And we'd pack our bags and follow him.
Wilson: So, basically, for 20 years you've been following Tim.
Jill: Yeah. Right to the emergency room.

Al: My mother was a great woman. She was my friend, my supporter, my teacher. And Tim's right. She said that there's nothing greater than sharing your love with someone else. And, well, there was something I was going to do the other night. And I don't think there's any reason for putting it off. Trudy, will you marry me? [off her reaction] Perhaps I've put you on the spot?
Trudy: Of course I'll marry you, Al. [applause]
Wilson: Al and Trudy, this is indeed a joyous occasion. Now, let us proceed to the grave site. Will the following pallbearers please take their places? Al, Cal, Tim, Brad, Mark, Marty, Benny, Patrick, Colin, Francis, Chris, William, Brian, Jake, Carson, Ted, Alonzo...

Jill: Well, you're gonna have to finish it without me because I have to work on my thesis.
Lillian: Oh, that'll solve everything. Then what are you gonna hide behind when you're done with that? Jill, honey, I know you weren't expecting to have a hysterectomy at your age. And I know it must be very hard. But you've got to stop taking your anger out on other people and deal with your loss.
Jill: I am dealing with my loss, Mom. This is the way I am dealing with my loss! I'm sorry! I am very angry! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this, this empty way I feel! I hate the way I look to myself now. I hate that doctor for doing this to me! I hate my body! I hate myself! I hate everybody and everything! Oh, God!
Lillian: Oh, honey, honey.
Jill: I just feel so old and useless.

Jill: You told him? I can't believe it! I'm so... Tim, if I had wanted my advisor to know about the hysterectomy, I would have told him. How could you do this to me?
Lillian: Well, honey, don't bite his head off...
Jill: Mother, please! I don't need him to get me an extension. I don't need Wilson to tell me about menopause on the Mayflower! I don't need Heidi flaunting her perfect boobs in my face! And I most especially don't need Al comparing me to his bearded aunt! God! [storms off]
Tim: Let the mood swings begin.

Tim: Hold on a minute. It's very simple. If you were to cross-section a woman, inside, it looks like a moose head with antlers. And what they want to do is just remove the moose head part of that, and leave the antlers intact.
Mark: What?
Brad: What?
Tim: Illustration would be good, here. Think of your mom as a sink. She looks good on the outside, runs hot, runs cold, but she's having a little problem with the women plumbing department. Her disposal is stuck in the on position. She has to have it removed, because she hasn't seen a licensed plumber in two-and-a-half years. But, good news is, she doesn't really need the disposal anyway.
Mark: I'm gonna go look it up on the Internet.
Tim: Well, suit yourselves, fellas. But I don't think it can get any clearer than this.

Brad: You know, I can't believe this. I mean, there's nothing they can do about this?
Tim: I'm with Brad. Somebody's got to be held accountable for this.
Jill: You heard the officer. There's nothing they can do.
Tim: Well, maybe there's nothing they can do. There's something I can do. I'm the guy that delivered a baby after being crowned "Car Guy of the Year." The same night! I'm the guy that built a lawnmower that can do 12 seconds in the quarter mile. I'm the guy that put a barbecue grill into geosynchronous orbit. So, don't you tell me there's nothing we can do. I'm The Tool Man! I can fix anything!
Jill: Okay. Fine. Then zip up your fly and let's go.

Wilson: So you're torn between embarking on the most exciting voyage of your life or staying home and taking care of someone you love.
Tim: That's the question.
Wilson: Well, you might heed the words of Thornton Wilder.
Tim: What did he say?
Wilson: Thornton Wilder said, "When one is at home, he dreams of adventure. And when one is on an adventure, he dreams of home."
Tim: That doesn't answer any questions.
Wilson: No, but it does restate it in a very interesting way. I'm sorry, Tim.

Jill: Hey, guys. Did, um, any of you see Tool Time today?
Randy: Unfortunately, yes.
Mark: Dad's lost it.
Brad: Yeah, it was his second girlie Tool Time in a row. I mean, what's next, a Pantyhose Week? Or a "Salute to Feminine Hygiene"?
Randy: I don't know about you, but I stop watching the day Dad turns to Al and says, "Do you feel fresh?"

Tim: [deep voice] No. Leave the girl alone. Give me my bamboo. My bamboo.
Gracie: Oh, Mr. Panda, thank you so much from saving me from Mr. Monkey.
Tim: Oh, don't thank me. Thank Mr. Tiger.
Gracie: That's Mr. Lion Cub.
Tim: Sorry. I've never been a lion cub before.
Randy: Well, I have. You know, I gotta tell you, it's a tough gig. Everyone expects you to be king.

Tim: You know, there's a place where people get together and pray for God's protection.
Randy: Dad, I'm not going to church.
Tim: I was talking about Tool Time.