Tim: For a minute there I thought you said you fired my granite guy.
Jill: I did. When I gave him a lift home, he came on to me.
Tim: You fired the granite guy?
Jill: Did you hear what I said? He came on to me.
Tim: Did he say you have a nice outfit or something?
Jill: He kissed me.
Tim: [stammers] What did you do?
Jill: I pushed him away.
Tim: Well, you should've fired him!
Jill: I did fire him!
Tim: You fired the granite guy?!

Tim: I didn't mean to steamroll you and ruin your fun. The truth is, I have the problem. I'm addicted to cars.
Jill: Well, duh.
Tim: I want to apologize for all the times I've wronged you automotivally.
Jill: That could take years.
Tim: That's why we've got to start, okay? Just listen. All right. Your birthday, 1975. Remember you wanted earrings? I bought you that chrome dipstick. Valentine's Day, 1976. You wanted earrings, I got you a case of transmission fluid. [timelapse] Our wedding, 1979. I insisted on the hot rod theme. Remember the three-barrel Stromberg wedding cake? It was a big hit. Christmas, 1980.
Jill: Tim. How do you remember all these dates?
Tim: It's part of my car sickness. I need help. I'm thinking of checking in to the Henry Ford Clinic.

Al: Boy, this is great! I'm telling you, the phones are ringing off the hook! I never thought this game would catch fire so soon.
Tim: Well, it did.
Al: What do you need to talk to me about?
Tim: Well, I think they might have put the wrong wire in it. It's defective. We played it last night and it caught fire.
Al: Caught fire? Everything you do catches fire.

Al: Boy, it was awfully nice of you to invite me down for coffee. You haven't done that in a long time. Or ever.
Tim: I thought it'd give us a good chance to talk.
Al: Oh, yeah? About what?
Tim: Mothers.
Al: Oh, no. No. Oh, boy, I should've seen this one coming. You invited me down here to make fun of my mother.
Tim: No.
Al: OK, well, what's it gonna be today? More fat jokes? Oh, you've already done all those. How about her perspiration problem? Or maybe the way her jowls sway. Or how about the way the skin under her arms wobble?

Harry: Well, look, he's taking me to the game first because I'm his hardware guy.
Marty: No, no, no. If anyone deserves to go, it's me. I'm his brother.
Al: Excuse me. I'm the one that risks his life every day working next to him.
Marty: Uh, the man's got a point.
Al: All right, OK.

Wilson: Well, Jill, the renowned psychiatrist lrvin D. Yalom postulated that men relieve their isolation by bonding over common fears and experiences.
Jill: Oh, please, Yalom was talking about universality as it applies to formal therapy, not a bunch of guys sitting around dumping on their wives.
Wilson: [momentarily speechless] Well, well, well- That's an excellent point. However, knowing Tim, I'm sure it was just an innocent exchange bearing no real malice. [chuckles] As Freud so humorously pointed out, "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."
Jill: That is such a crock. As Carl Jung says: "if people can be educated to see the lowly side of their own natures, then they might also understand their fellow man or woman better."
Wilson: With due respect to Jung, I believe it was Bruno Bettelheim...
Jill: Oh, don't Bettelheim me. Tim was talking about me behind my back, and you know what Andrea Dworkin says about that.
Wilson: Well, actually, I don't.
Jill: She says that if women talk about people behind their backs, it's "gossip," but if men do it, it's "male bonding."
Wilson: You know, Jill, ever since you decided to go back to school, you've made things so very, very hard on me.

Jill: Tim, why couldn't you just leave my car alone? Why do you have to obsess about a stupid little scratch? This is just a car. It's a hunk of metal used to haul kids to soccer practice.
Tim: This is not a hunk of metal! This used to be a classic.
Jill: It looks like a giant hot dog bun.

Tim: Now, to show some of the advantage of soundproofing, the crew and I got here early and constructed a special room. Heidi, my room, please. Now, this room will not only protect you from the elements, keep you warm, but it's also totally soundproof.
Heidi: Here you go, Tim.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi. Watch this, Al. Can't hear a word. It's so good. Watch. Talking like this. You walk in. Hi, everybody. It's just great to be here. My name's Tim "The Tool..." [silence] ...Aah! [audience applaud]
Al: That is truly amazing. We did not hear a sound.
Tim: No. That's how it was designed. You gotta try it. Let yourself go. It's great. Yeah.
Al: [in the booth] Tim, can you hear me? [Tim mouths] You can't hear me? In that case, I should be the host of this show. And another thing. That's a stupid haircut you have. And another thing... [sings] I am a very model of a modern major general I've information vegetable, animal and mineral I know the kings of England I quote the fights historical From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical
Tim: Al.
Al: Yes?
Tim: Al.
Al: Yes?
Tim: Can you hear me?
Al: I can hear you. [audience laughing]
Tim: Think about that. Major General Borland!

Tim: That brings us to the final segment here on Tool Time. You know, when men get done doing a real hard job, sometimes we don't look like we want to, right, Al?
Al: No, we don't, Tim.
Tim: I'm usually hot, greasy, sweaty...
Al: And bleeding.

Jill: What is this thing on your head?
Tim: It's a little piece of table.
Randy: What happened?
Tim: Old Mr. Negativity, Al, distracted me and I got my head cemented to this table. He had to take a sabre saw to get me off of that table.
Jill: Don't you think you should go to the emergency room?
Tim: I was just there. They said I wasn't a priority.
Jill: Why? Was there a guy with a whole table stuck to his head?