Best ‘Home Improvement’ Quotes     Page 25 of 25

Quote from Benny in A Hardware Habit to Break

Tim: Oh. Sorry. Phew. Where was I? I thought for a minute I heard you say you were selling the hardware store.
Benny: He is. I've been totally useless ever since I heard the news.
Marty: And for 40 years before that.


Quote from Jill in Neighbors

Jill: If you're so worried about this, why don't you just go outside and talk to Wilson?
Tim: I tried to talk to him at work and he just ran off the set.
Jill: Well, you know, it's Wilson's property. Ultimately, if he wants to build this thing, I don't think there's much you can do about it.
Tim: Oh, really? I tell you one thing, when I jumpstart this brain, I can do anything.
Jill: So 100 years from now, Wilson's got trouble.

Quote from Tim in Neighbors

Tim: But your neighbor has to look at this ugly thing though, huh?
Al: Maybe Wilson could plant some decorative ivy. Mother's always been partial to vines.
Tim: That's because she swings from them!

Quote from Wilson in Neighbors

Wilson: Did you know that hockey originated with the Iroquois Indians? Their original term for the game was "hoghee."
Tim: The Iroquois, huh? What did they use for a puck? Buffalo chips?
Wilson: [chuckles] No. In the Iroquois version, they used actual human skulls.
Tim: Really?
Wilson: No!

Quote from Tim in Love's Labor Lost (Part 2)

Jill: Tim, is that you?
Tim: I'll go with no.
Jill: What took you so long? I wanted to talk to you.
Tim: I was at the store getting you some low-fat milk. And in anticipation of your ever-changing moods, I got you a variety. I got 2%. I got you 1%. I got you low-fat skims. I got you lactose-free. I got soy milk, rice milk, goat milk, and for me, milk of magnesia.
Jill: I can't believe you got seven different kinds of milk.
Tim: Well, that's all they had.

Quote from Jill in Love's Labor Lost (Part 2)

Jill: Mom, after you went through menopause, did Dad still find you...
Lillian: Desirable?
Jill: Yeah.
Lillian: You betcha.
Jill: Really? Well... Uh... What about you? Did you still have the same...
Lillian: Same drive?
Jill: Yeah.
Lillian: Actually, even more so. I remember one night he came home from three months on maneuvers, and we went up to the bedroom. And I was just a wild...
Jill: That's okay, Mom! Thank you. That's good! That's good.
Lillian: He saluted me for a week.

Quote from Jill in Love's Labor Lost (Part 2)

Jill: Where's Tim?
Lillian: He went out to get you some low-fat milk.
Jill: [sighs] Low-fat milk... Oh, great.
Lillian: Well, that's what he thought you wanted.
Jill: No, Mom. I gotta get this calcium-fortified stuff. It's supposed to be good to prevent osteoporosis. I just wish that he had asked me before he went out.
Lillian: Well, now, Jill, honey, listen to yourself. Ever since the surgery, you've been blaming Tim for everything.
Jill: That is not true, Mom.
Lillian: Well, yes, it is. Now, he tried to make things easier for you at school and you yelled at him. And he waits on you hand and foot, and you yell at him for that, too.
Jill: Mom, look, I just came down here to get a cold drink. I don't need a lecture.
Lillian: Well, this is not a lecture. This is advice that you shouldn't interrupt until I'm finished.

Quote from Tim in Love's Labor Lost (Part 2)

Tim: If you want to go back up to her bedroom, better put on your mukluks.
Lillian: Is Jill having a hot flash?
Tim: I guess that's what it is. She wants me to go to the store, get some low-fat milk.
Lillian: Well, just hang in there. Things will get better.
Tim: I hope so. I wonder if I'm gonna make it through menopause.
Lillian: You're doing a great job, Tim. A lot better than my husband.
Tim: I bet the Colonel had a problem with this.
Lillian: When I went through the change, he slipped a card under my door that read, "Get well. On the double."
Tim: Gutsy move.
Lillian: Well, the Colonel was even worse when my mother went through it. She was living with us at the time. He walked in one day, saw her having a hot flash, did an about-face and volunteered to fight in the Korean War. I didn't see him again until 1957.
Tim: Well, didn't the Korean War end in '53?
Lillian: Yes!

Quote from Jill in Love's Labor Lost (Part 2)

Jill: God! It's hot! It's hot! I'm sweating. God! Why is that window closed?
Tim: Well, it's a little thing we call winter, honey. Honey, maybe this is one of those hot flashes.
Jill: I am not having a hot flash.
Tim: No.
Jill: It is too soon for hot flashes!
Tim: Well, didn't your doctor say if you took some of that estrogen, it would help these hot flashes and mood swings?
Jill: Oh. So now you think I'm having a mood swing?
Tim: I think whatever you're thinking.
Jill: Tim, don't patronize me, okay? I am not gonna take estrogen until I've had a chance to research it.
Tim: All right.
Jill: I can't research it until I've finished my thesis! And I can't finish my thesis 'cause I'm so hot! Why can't you understand that?
Tim: I don't know!

Quote from Jill in Love's Labor Lost (Part 2)

Jill: This is whole milk. What, are you trying to kill me?
Tim: No. But I could see how you could think that way.
Jill: This is full of fat and calories.
Tim: It's no worse than your mother's bread pudding.
Jill: Damn! How could you let her make this for me? There's like a pound of butter in here and a dozen eggs. If it doesn't give me a heart attack, it's gonna turn me into a big, old, fat sow.

 Previous Page