Jill: I think you're right about Mark. I think that he just has a self-confidence problem. We should find him something that he can be good at.
Tim: I got it. I got it. How about... [mumbles in pseudo-Japanese]
Jill: Flight attendant?
Tim: Karate.
Jill: No, no. Karate is too violent. What about gymnastics? That's a wonderful sport and he won't get hurt.
Tim: He won't get hurt? One slip on the pommel horse, boom.

Jill: Or you could take karate and, you know, probably lose some teeth.
Tim: Or slip on a pommel horse and squish your little...
Jill: Tim... don't try to influence him.

Brad: Hey, Dad. I heard a woman slugged you with her purse?
Randy: What happened, she wouldn't let you borrow her makeup?
Tim: Son, you want to say that one more time to me?
Randy: No.

Tim: And that's the proper way to repair a mortise and tenon joint. Good job, Al.
Al: Thank you, Tim.
Tim: Now, if we were building a coffin, would we have to build a rigor mortis and tenon joint?
Al: I don't think so, Tim.

Tim: Almost out of time, Al. Just enough time for "Camouflage Corner."
Al: "Camouflage Corner"?
Tim: Yeah. Didn't you get that memo?
Al: No.
Tim: Must have been camouflaged. [chuckles] Normally when we think of camouflage, we think of military. Now this is your typical military soldier's tiger camouflage. Now here's that same soldier in a Costa Rican jungle. Where is he? Where is he? I can't even see him! He could be looking at me right now! I'm so scared!
Tim: Al, there's also applications in your yard. That tool shed of yours? A little unsightly out there in the backyard. All right. Now, here's a way to camouflage. [holds up a picture of a shed with novelty glasses and nose] You can hardly even tell it's there now.
Al: Think you've finally lost it, Tim.
Tim: I'm just joking around, Al.

Wilson: But you're not actually encouraging Mark to fight.
Tim: No. I just want him to be able to stand up for himself. If he gets in a bad situation, I'd like him to be able to kick butt in a major way. But every dad wants that, you know.
Wilson: Gandhi's dad didn't.
Tim: Well, maybe Gandhi was a major disappointment to his dad. Maybe Gandhi didn't eat because he wouldn't fight kids for his lunch money. How about that?
Wilson: Tim, are we talking about the same Gandhi?
Tim: Not unless he went to my elementary school. You see, when I was that age, if I couldn't wisecrack my way out of a situation, sometimes I'd run. And I'm thinking that karate would give Mark, you know, the ability to stand up for himself.

Mark: If Artie pushes me, I'm gonna give him a karate chop.
Tim: You're not ready to karate chop anybody yet. You don't know enough about karate. But you're learning. You're gonna know pretty soon.
Mark: Then I'll beat him up, I guess.
Tim: No, no, no, no, no. With guys like Artie, once they know that you have the skill to actually beat them up, you don't have to. Then you have the confidence to just stand there, and they walk away, you know? Karate does give you more power, but it's wisdom that teaches you when to use the power. That's according to Greek historian, Hippopotamus.
Mark: What are we gonna do in case he pushes me today?
Tim: Just wave those socks in front of him. Boy.
Mark: Dad, come on.
Tim: You got a fish in there?
Mark: Dad.
Tim: Recite the state capitals.
Mark: I don't know them.
Tim: Then walk away from it, OK?

Roy: Hey, Mike. What's up?
Mike: This guy here... What's your name?
Tim: Borland. Al Borland.
Mike: Al said if Artie touches stick boy, there's going to be big trouble.
Tim: Did I say it like that? With hostility like that? It didn't come out...
Roy: Wait a minute. My wife told me about you. You're married to that loudmouth.
Tim: Yeah, that's her.
Roy: I don't like anyone threatening my son.
Tim: Don't crowd me.
Roy: What are you gonna do about it?
Tim: Atlanta, Austin... Afghanistan...

Al: Well, then I'd use my trusty crosscut saw.
Tim: That's a good choice, but not today. Today, we have something special for you. And for that, we have to bring out a very special guest. And I expect a big Tool Time round of applause for Robert "the Human Hatchet" Cho! If you were to cut that piece of pine, would you want to use a circular saw for that?
Robert Cho: Won't be necessary, Tim.
Tim: Uh, hacksaw?
Robert Cho: No, no.
Tim: Coping saw?
[Robert yells as he head-butts the wood and snaps it in two]
Tim: Here's a man who doesn't worry about losing his house keys. Ha! I'm in!

Tim: Are you saying I couldn't break that board with my head?
Al: Well, Tim, he says it takes focus and concentration. And I think we all know which one of us has that.
Tim: You think you can break this board with your head?
Al: Yes, I do.
Tim: Oh, really?
Robert Cho: I don't think it's such a good idea, Al. I...
Tim: My show here, OK? You're up to the challenge, right, Al?
Al: It's all right. [inhales deeply, yells as he head-butts the board]