Tim: Are you satisfied? I mean, she's talking to you two. You bummed her out. All she wants is us to show a little respect to one another. Is that too much to ask?
Brad: Dad, we're sorry.
Randy: Yeah, we'll try.
Both: Dad got hit by a girl! Dad got hit by a girl!
Tim: I know where you both live!

Mark: Dad, is Mom coming?
Tim: No.
Mark: What are we gonna do in case there's trouble?

Tim: Who are you with?
Mike: Artie.
Tim: Yeah?
Mike: Yeah. [Tim stands up and towers over Mike]
Tim: I don't want butterball to mess with my kid today, OK?
Mike: Well, you don't have to be so mean about it.
Tim: Look, I'm just saying I don't want Artie touching my kid. And if anybody calls my kid "stick boy," there's gonna be some big trouble.
Mike: Look, if you've got a problem with my nephew, maybe you'd better talk to his father.
Tim: His father?
Mike: Hey, Roy!
Tim: That's his father?
Mike: Yeah.
Tim: Why aren't you his father?

Tim: I'm taking Mark to karate class.
Jill: No, you're not. That was Mr. Cho. He's moving Mark into a different class.
Tim: All right, advanced class, huh? That was all those little extra lessons I've been doing with him. Ha!
Jill: No, Tim. Mr. Cho is not moving him up. There's another beginners' class that starts in two weeks. He's gonna put him in that.
Tim: Why?
Jill: He says that we don't understand the basic philosophy behind karate.
Tim: What?
Jill: Yeah. He thinks that we have a lot of... pent-up hostility.
Tim: That's crazy. I'm gonna get that idiot on the phone.

[outtake:]
Wilson: Frankfort, Harrisburg, Hartford, Helena, Honolulu, Indianapolis, Jackson, Jefferson City, Juneau, Lansing, Lincoln, Little Rock, Madison, Montgomery, Montpelier, Nashville, Oklahoma City, Olympia, Phoenix, Pierre, Providence, Raleigh, Richmond, Sacramento, Salem, Salt Lake City, Santa Fe, Springfield, St. Paul, Tallahassee, Topeka, and Trenton. Albany, Atlanta... [laughs]