Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I'm your host, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. 'Course, you all know my assistant, Al "I live for Bingo" Borland. Here on Tool Time, we've showed you many different ways to cut wood, but nothing as fun as today. Al, if we were gonna cut that piece of pine, what would you select?
Al: Well, Tim, I'd probably use the Binford 2,200 Circular Saw.
Tim: Mm, good choice. Ooh, but what if we had blown a fuse?
Al: I see, we're at your house.

Al: Mr. Cho is here to publicize the karate demonstration this Tuesday night at the Fox Theater to benefit the Children's Hospital.
Tim: That's right. Karate. Boy, there's a sport with more power. [grunts]
Robert Cho: That's right, Tim. But the secret is to channel that power through focus and concentration.
Tim: Yeah. Two things I excel at.
Al: Well, that and driving yourself to the hospital while bleeding.

Jill: Why are you all so fascinated with fighting? I don't want anybody to beat anybody up. What is wrong with you people? You make me sick. I just want you to love each other, you big bunch of jerks!

Daphne: Hey, if stick boy can't take it, get him out of here.
Jill: He did it again! Hey, come on. Tell your kid to stop playing dirty.
Daphne: Listen, they are just having fun. Artie is not gonna hurt stick boy.
Jill: Would you stop calling my kid "stick boy"?
Daphne: Then feed him something. Face it, lady. Your kid's a weenie. Artie just gave him a little tap.
Jill: Well, how would you like it if somebody gave you a little tap, huh? [slaps her face] Is that fun?
Daphne: Don't touch me, lady.
Jill: Hey, don't shove me.
Daphne: Get out of my face.
Jill: Why don't you tell that to your breakfast doughnut?
Tim: Hey, hey, honey. Stop it!
Daphne: Hyah! [swings her purse and hits Tim]

Tim: Actually, camouflage has many applications, even around the house. Lisa, bring that out, please. Let's take wallpaper. Wallpaper can be used to decorate a wall or disguise an unsightly wall switch. Now see, can you find the switch here, Al?
Al: Well, they're usually... They're usually right along the...
Tim: Not as easy as it looks, is it, Al? That's camouflage for you. Woop!
[Tim presses a switch and the studio lights dim. He presses the switch again to revert the lights.]
Al: This is ridiculous, Tim. I don't want to be a part of this anymore.
[As Al walks over to the work bench, Lisa and Tim turn the wall around to reveal a wallpaper pattern of green flannel on top, a tool belt strip in the middle, and blue denim at the bottom]
Tim: I'm sorry, Al. Just trying to make a point. Here, put these away for me, will you? Come on. Put 'em... Just grab them, Al. Grab the darn things, Al. [Al walks in front of the wall] Al? Hey, Al, where'd you go? Al! Al!

Wilson: Well, Tim, I'm reminded of what the Greek historian Herodotus said: "Where wisdom is called for, force is of little use."
Tim: Of course wisdom is the best way to go. But when a fat kid is slapping you around, you don't have time to be thinking about reciting the state capitals alphabetically.
Wilson: Well, that's interesting. Albany, Annapolis, Atlanta...
Tim: Wilson. Wilson!
Wilson: Augusta, Austin, Baton Rouge...
Tim: You got a minute?
Wilson: Oh, I'm sorry, neighbor.
Tim: Do you think it's a bad idea to teach the kid karate?
Wilson: You just have to remember that when you give a boy a weapon like karate, that he's mature enough to know when to use it.
Tim: Yeah, he is a little kid, isn't he?
Wilson: Mm-hm.
Tim: Have a good day.
Wilson: Mm-hm. Bismarck, Boise, Boston, Carson City... Charleston! Cheyenne, Columbia...

Jill: Your father and I were just talking and, uh... We think that since Brad and Randy won't ever let you play with them, that you should take some kind of class where everyone gets to participate. So, what do you think?
Do you want to take gymnastics, or... [sighs] karate?
Mark: I can take karate?
Tim: All right.
Jill: Before you decide... Before you decide... do you remember when we watched the Olympics and we saw those handsome American gymnasts get their gold medals?
Tim: Jill...
Jill: Shut up! They were standing, remember, on that podium, so proud. And the American flag was raised, and "The Star-Spangled Banner" was playing, and America wept.
Tim: Please!
Jill: Remember that? That could be you. That could be you. Mark Taylor, gymnast, representing the entire United States of America.
Tim: When does he get his Congressional Medal of Honor?

Wilson: You all right there?
Tim: I'm great. I got him in a karate class. We're out here to practice moves.
Wilson: Oh, yes, karate does build up the stamina.
Tim: Yeah. Jill thinks I have him taking the karate class so it'll teach him how to fight.
Wilson: Oh, so Jill thinks you have a predilection for aggression.
Tim: Predilection?
Wilson: Let's just say proclivity.
Tim: Proclivity? What else you got?
Wilson: How about inclination?
Tim: Inclination, yeah. Well, that's what she thinks, anyway.

Robert Cho: Tim, Tim. I don't think that you should try this.
Tim: Hey, quiet.
Al: I think there's one thing that you should...
Tim: You've said enough.
Al: Well, you should know...
Tim: It's my show. I can do this. [inhales deeply] [hisses] [yells pseudo-Japanese] [bangs head]
Al: I was gonna say I have studied karate. Tim.
Tim: Buford Tools... Messages... We have them.
Al: We'll be right back.

Tim: Why don't you teach him something about football? Wouldn't that be a good idea? Like right now. I'll teach you guys how to go a long pass. [Brad and Randy run up the stairs] Go long, come on. Come on, in there. Swerve. Now, long! Go! Come on! Longer! Go long! Post pattern. Go! Go!
Brad: [o.s.] Dad, come on! I'm in the bathroom!
Tim: Well, shut the door and take a shower.