Randy: All right. One candy bar for the spaceman. And seven for the cute little lion cub.

Brad: Now we gotta think of something just as good to get back at them.
Al: Well, you're Tim's sons. I'm sure you inherited the torture chromosome.

Brad: How would you like to help us do this prank on our parents?
Al: Well, I wouldn't feel so bad about scaring your dad again, but no, I wouldn't feel right scaring your mom.
Randy: Really? Even after what she said about you?
Al: What did she say about me?
Randy: Oh, I believe she referred to your little Halloween party as "the marathon yawn-a-thon".
Al: Jill said that?
Randy: That's what I heard. What about you, Brad?
Brad: Yeah, I heard her say that. She also said your mom doesn't bob for apples. She bobs for ham hocks.
Al: I'm in!

Randy: Oh, ow!
Brad: All right, they look like real tears.
Randy: They are. You just poked me in the eye.

Tim: Thank you, Heidi. Nice crisp autumn afternoon. Thank you for being here. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
And you all know my assistant, Al "Autumn Boy" Borland. [cheering] Well, continuing wall treatment week here on Tool Time, Al and I are doing our salute to wallpaper... [ripping sound] ...removal.
Al: How you get rid of your wallpaper depends on what kind you have. Now, strippable wallpaper is the easiest to remove.
Tim: Al's gonna strip now, so those of you with weaker stomachs look away.
Al: You simply pry up a corner and pull down in a... [a bloody head tears through the wall] Whoa!
Tim: Oh. By the way, Happy Halloween, Al.
Al: That was not funny.
Tim: Well, apparently the audience laughed for no reason.

Tim: Now, there's other ways to remove wallpaper.
Al: That's right. Electrical steamers, chemical stripping solutions...
Tim: Or my favorite. Just tear the house down and start all over again.
Al: For the chemical method you use a simple garden sprayer and scoring tool. Tim, would you like to do the honors?
Tim: Yes, I would. OK. Right here you start. You want to score the wallpaper in a crisscross fashion. Like this. All right? Take your chemical sprayer, filled with stripping compound and soak the wallpaper. Like this... [straining] There's no pressure in there, Al.
Al: Yes, there is. I checked this morning.
Tim: You ask a guy to do a job...
[Al laughs as Tim removes the lid of the sprayer and finds a rubber snake attached.]
Tim: You are the master, Al. You know, Al, if you're gonna scare The Tool Man you gotta do a better job than that, right?
[Tim yells as a monster's head tears through the wall]

Jill: OK, guys, what do you want for dinner?
Randy: Actually, Brad and I were gonna take care of that tonight.
Jill: Wait a minute. My sons are volunteering to cook dinner?
Brad: Yeah, we've already got something in the microwave. Vegetarian lasagna.
Jill: Oh! You're not only cooking it, you're cooking something healthy?
Randy: Well, we haven't started it yet. Why don't you check to see if we put enough cheese on it?
Jill: Sure. You're so beautiful. I love you. [finds a bloody head in the microwave] [gasping] I hate you!
Brad: Gotcha.
Jill: I hate when you scare me like that.
Randy: And yet, we love it.

Tim: [looks in the microwave] Well, you've burst the skull again, honey. You're supposed to poke holes in a severed head before you nuke it.

Jill: Brad and Randy nearly gave me a heart attack with that disgusting thing.
Tim: They didn't wait for me?
Jill: Tim, this isn't funny. They put a rubber tarantula in Mark's underwear, and, you know what, they pumped slime through every slat in Wilson's fence.
Tim: They didn't wait for me?

Randy: That was weird. What do you think that was about?
Brad: Randy, Randy, Randy, don't you get it?
Randy: Of course I get it. What have I got?
Brad: We put the head in the microwave so Mom and Dad thought of something to get us back with.
Randy: I don't know. That guy Clifford seemed pretty believable.
Brad: Yeah, I've got to admit he was pretty real. But I still think this is a total set-up.
Randy: Yeah, easy for you to say. You're not the one sleeping in the basement.
Brad: Look, the guy said he knew Wilson. Let's go talk to Wilson. If Wilson says he's never heard of him we know it's a scam.
Randy: And if it isn't I'm switching rooms with Mark.