Wilson: Head of monkey, brain of cat, eye of weasel, tail of rat, juice of mugwort, mastic, myrrh, all within the pot I stir.
Randy: What's that smell?
Wilson: Well, I'm making a mugwort-based witch's brew. You boys want a slug?
Randy: No, thanks. I'm trying to cut back on my mugwort.
Wilson: If you boys are over here to help me clean my fence you're a bit late.
Brad: Yeah, sorry we slimed you, Wilson.
Wilson: Oh, fortunately, it was a water-based slime. It hosed right off.

Jill: Randy, honey. Honey, everything is OK.
Brad: I don't know, Mom. He's really scared about this Clifford guy.
Tim: What are you crying about?
Randy: I'm not staying here. I know Clifford's gonna come back. He's gonna kill all of us.
Jill: Honey, he's not. This was just a stupid joke we played on you to scare you.
Tim: I didn't want to, but your mom wanted to.

Randy: You guys really made this up?
Jill: No! I mean, yes. He did. Look, look, I swear. It is just a big mistake. I am so sorry, sweetheart. It's all over now.
Brad: Not unless you're just saying this so we won't be scared of Clifford.
Randy: I want to go home with Al where it's safe.
Al: Oh, now, come on, Randy. You heard your parents. There is no such person as Larry.
Tim: Yeah, come on. Listen to Al. There's no such... Larry? You mean, as in like "Halloween Larry"?
Al: Uh... No, as in Clifford, Clifford the murderer!
Randy: Halloween guy? Murderer? What difference does it make? Guys, I'm really scared here.
Tim: The difference is, Al just blew your stupid little joke.
Al: But we almost had you! [laughs] We did, didn't we? We got you guys! We didn't, we're all... Oh, man, I'm a Halloween washout. I'm a third-rate prankster.
Tim: Don't flatter yourself.

Randy: [coughing] Man, what is this stuff? I can't see a thing.
Brad: I don't know. [thunderclap] Maybe Dad left the window open and the warm air and cold air mixed and made fog. Wow. I just remembered something from Earth Science!

Tim: Why don't we go to Al's party?
Jill: There's no reason why we can't all go.
[the attic hatch closes]
Randy: That might be a reason.
Brad: Come on, Dad, the joke's over.
Tim: I didn't do this. Larry, did you rig this door shut?
Larry: Wish I had. It's a nice touch.
Jill: It's shut. We're locked in.
Tim: No worries. I'm the Tool Man. I'll get it open. [jumps up and down]
[meanwhile, downstairs:]
Wilson: So, Al, how long you gonna leave them up there?
Al: Oh, just long enough to let them know that Al Borland can prank with the best of them. [chuckling] Actually, you know, maybe I should let them down now before Tim does something stupid.
[After Al removes the large pole that was holding the attic hatch, Tim jumps through the hatch]

Jill: What are we gonna do about them?
Tim: Well, what any good parents would do. Scare the daylights out of them.
Jill: "An eye for an eye" is not my idea of good parenting.
Tim: Honey, I know this is your area and you're the expert here, but let me explain a little about the psychology of Halloween.
Jill: This should be good.
Tim: Just go with me for a minute. When a child puts a severed head, real or otherwise, in an oven, they're not doing that to scare you. They're doing that to reach out. They're saying, "Mom and Dad, I love you. Please, please, scare me."
Jill: [laughs] It would really mean a lot to you if I went along with this, wouldn't it?
Tim: It's not for me. It's for the children.

Brad: Can I help you?
Larry: I hope so. My name is Clifford Warren. [thunderclap] I'm in town for a funeral at the Pleasant Lake Mortuary. Lovely facility.
Randy: You need directions or something?
Larry: No, I was on my way and I just happened to pass by my old house and I was wondering if I could just stop in and take a look at the place.
Brad: You used to live here or something?
Larry: Oh, yes, with my brother, until the, uh... Well, you know.
Randy: What?
Larry: The incident!
Brad: What incident?

Tim: Guys, what do you think of my chicken?
Jill: Yeah, we're thinking of wearing these to Al's party.
Tim: Who are you?
Larry: I'm Clifford Warren. [thunderclap] He was just about to tell us about some incident that happened when he lived here.
Tim: There's no incident ever happened here. This is a normal American home filled with normal Americans.
Larry: Whatever you say. Yes, does that crazy man Wilson still live next door?
Tim: We don't know. We don't talk to our neighbors. I think it's about time you left, Mr. Clifford whatever.
Larry: Uh, before I go could I please take a look at the basement?
Randy: The basement? That's my room.
Larry: Oh. I am sorry.
Jill: Well, um, look, Clifford, it was nice to meet you. I'm sure you have other things to do.
Tim: You might try getting some sun!

Brad: Geez, what was that about?
Jill: It was 25 years ago. It's no big deal.
Randy: Why did Clifford want to see the basement?
Tim: He probably wanted to take a look at the new furnace I put in.

Tim: Come on in, Larry.
Larry: How did I do?
Tim: You gave me the creeps and I thought the story up.
Jill: Me, too. I don't know whether to write the check to Clifford or Larry.
Larry: Oh, make it out to my other name, "cash".