Tim: Whoa, this letter's from Western Michigan University. That's where my wife and I went to college.
Al: Well, they must've seen our show, and they want their diploma back.
Tim: Couldn't be further from the truth. Listen to this. "Dear Tim, in recognition of the fine work you do, we would like to bestow upon you an honorary Ph.D." [grunts] [grunts]
Al: Oh, now wait a second. Your alma mater wants to give you a doctorate?
Tim: That's right. Yeah. From now on, you'll be standing next to a doctor. Which would make you my nurse.

Tim: So how was your day?
Jill: Horrible. My behavioral psych professor has assigned yet another paper. I haven't even finished the first one yet. Plus, I have to get through all these books by the weekend. What did you do today?
Tim: Got a Ph.D.
Jill: [laughs] Very funny.
Tim: Funny, huh? Check out the letter from Western Michigan.
Jill: You barely graduated, and they're giving you an honorary degree?
Tim: Makes me wonder why I worked so hard for the first one.
Jill: You didn't work at all. You partied the whole time.
Tim: And the celebration continues.

Tim: [answers the phone] Hello. Yes, this is Dr. Taylor. Harry, real funny. Ha-ha-ha. Yeah. He's calling me Tim "The School Man" Taylor.
Jill: Harry is droll.
Tim: Huh? What? Uh, she called you a troll. All right, I'll stop by the hardware store. Thanks. Bye.

Delivery Guy: I have a delivery for a Dr. Taylor. Hey, Doc, how do I get rid of this big wart on my hand?
Tim: Ball-peen hammer, chisel. It'll pop right off.
Delivery Guy: Thanks, Doc.

Jill: Hey, Wilson.
Wilson: Well, hi-ho, fairest of the Taylors. Jill, what time do you have?
Jill: Uh, 8:33.
Wilson: Uh-uh-uh-uh. My new sundial seems to be running a bit slow.
Jill: Maybe you should noodle with your gnomon.
Wilson: I beg your pardon.
Jill: The gnomon. You know, it's that crossbar there. It should be pointing north.
Wilson: Oh, ho-ho, well, thank you, Jill. It's such a pleasure having a knowledgeable neighborette.
Jill: Huh. I may be knowledgeable, but Tim's the one getting the Ph.D.
Wilson: Knowledgeable and funny, funny, funny.

Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: Tool Time!
Heidi: That's right. Binford Tools is proud to present the star of our show - Dr. Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Tim: Thank you, and welcome to Tool Time. I am Dr. Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know my assistant - Al "Ma Mater" Borland.

Tim: Honey, isn't this where you and I took sociology together?
Jill: Yeah. I got my first "A" in that class.
Randy: Dad, what'd you get?
Tim: A lot of sleep.

Dean Cummings: Now we'd like to present this year's honorary doctorate to an alumnus - class of '76. A man who, day in and day out, teaches people that, with the right tools, anything is possible. Let's give a warm Western Michigan University welcome to Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Tim: Professor Hankey. Thank you. Ahem. Thank you all. I, uh... Oh, boy. [clears throat] You know, the last time I gave a speech at Western, I was actually in the dean's office. Remember that? Trying to convince her to not kick me out of school. I had those women's underpants on my head. It was frat week. It was a long time ago.
Randy: He's dyin'.
Tim: You know, my dad taught me years ago that a tool in your hands keeps those hands out of trouble. And what this university taught me was that education is perhaps the greatest tool of 'em all. Of course, my first couple years here, I thought a corkscrew was the best tool... But seriously, I want you all to know how much I appreciate this award. I really do. I also want you to know I have nothing but respect for all of you who have put in years of work to earn an advanced degree - one student out there in particular. So here is to higher education. [spills water on the lectern]
Dean Cummings: Let me help you.
Tim: Uh, watch your hand on that.
Dean Cummings: [touches the microphone] Aah!
Tim: I know how she feels, I'll tell you that. But that... That kind of felt good there just at the beginning of that. I've been there. Uh, I suppose you wanna see me in your office.

Tim: Guys, you won't believe what happened today. I got a Ph.D. from Western Michigan University.
Brad: You?
Randy: You sure it's not a Ph.D-minus?
Tim: No, wise guy. It's an honorary Ph.D. from the engineering department. Whoa-oa-oa.
Brad: You got a degree when you didn't even earn it? Can I get that type of deal for high school?
Randy: I hope so. It's your only shot at graduating.

Tim: Well, it's time once again to dip into the ol' mailbag. Heidi, the mailbag, please.
Al: I bet you're anxious to read all those letters congratulating you on your Ph.D.?
Tim: I don't think we'll have time to read them all, Al. [Heidi empties out two envelopes]
Al: I think we might.