Jill: Western Michigan is giving Tim an honorary doctorate.
Wilson: Tim?
Jill: Yeah. I mean, here I am killing myself to get an advanced degree. They just hand him one. I'm trying not to be - I just can't -
Wilson: Well, well, well. Jill, Jill, Jill. I've never been a proponent of symbolic gestures, but Tim is your husband, he is my neighbor. We should be happy.
Jill: You're right.

Brad: When are you going to grow up and stop playing with stupid toys?
Mark: Hey, not all of this stuff is mine. I believe this is your whoopee cushion.
Brad: Hey, not the Gas Master. This is a family heirloom.
Randy: Taylor men have been sliding it under unsuspecting butts for generations.
Randy: Wait a second, Mom cannot give away my dart gun. [shoots a dart which lands on Tim's chin as he walks in the garage]
Tim: Glad I talked Mom out of buying you a BB gun.

Tim: What's the box? What's going on?
Mark: Mom's giving away our toys to charity again.
Tim: She can't give away our toys. Especially not my spring-loaded eyeballs. I love these things.

Jill: Tim, I'm trying to study here.
Tim: I understand. You're working hard to get your advanced degree, too.
Jill: What are you doing?
Tim: I'm hanging up that letter that says I'm gonna get a Ph.D.
Jill: You framed the letter?
Tim: Yeah. I framed the envelope it came in, too.

Tim: Jill, you didn't have to do this.
Jill: I didn't. Gosh, somebody really went overboard. Who would send such a huge arrangement?
Tim: Your mom and dad.
Jill: What?
Tim: They said, "Dear son..." They called me "son" instead of "Hey, you." I like that. "Saw the show. It's great to have Ph.D. in the family. We're very proud of you. Love, Lillian and the Colonel."

Tim: Let's do a warm Tool Time welcome to the man who calls himself "The Verminator." Duke Miller, come on out.
Duke: Congratulations on your Ph.D.
Tim: Well, thank you very much, Duke.
Duke: You know, I myself attended a state-certified rodent extermination school.
Tim: Yeah? Where'd you go, Ratcliffe?
Duke: No, but we did play them in football.
Al: So, anyway, what got you interested in extermination?
Duke: Well, Al, I've always loved animals.

Tim: Why don't you show the studio audience and everyone at home the tools of the trade.
Duke: Sure thing. Now, displayed here on the wall we have your basic glue boards.
Tim: Use these at home. They're very effective.
Duke: Mm-hm.
Al: Now, these look to me to be some type of a snap trap.
Duke: That's right. They come in a variety of sizes and accommodate both domestic and imported cheeses. Next, we have a more sophisticated kind of trap.
Al: I see that. Vic, if you wanna come in here. Looks like a double-hinged door there, a large eating area, and little glass skylights. [chuckles]
Tim: Mice have a better pad than you do, Al. Now, these are humane traps. The mouse doesn't get killed in here. You can make him as a pet... I don't know. So the mouse goes in the little door here and... Aah! [sticks finger in another trap] Aah! [gets stuck to the glue boards]

Mark: Dad, are all these people getting fake degrees?
Tim: No. Most of these people had to work years to get 'em.
Brad: Chumps.
Randy: Dad, where's the bathroom?
Tim: I believe it's still down that hallway back there. When you get in there, see if your mom is still mentioned in stall four.

Tim: This is my wife Jill.
Professor Garver: How do you do?
Jill: Nice to meet you.
Professor Garver: You must be very thrilled for Tim.
Jill: Oh, thrilled doesn't begin to describe how I feel. Ecstatic beyond belief. Really, really proud.
Professor Garver: We all are. Excuse me. [walks away]
Jill: Proud, proud, proud.
Tim: You're going overboard, aren't you?
Jill: I'm sorry. I'm just trying to be supportive.

Barbara: Oh, Tim, it's really great to have you back here.
Tim: It's really great to be allowed back here.
Barbara: You are gonna do fantastic things for this university. I think we're going to be able to build the new library with the donations you'll help us get.
Tim: What are you talking about?
Barbara: Well, you're a big celebrity in the construction world, and we'll be able to use you to solicit contributions from the building community.
Jill: Solicit contributions.
Barbara: Mm, and he'll be wonderful at it. That's why I really pushed to have him get this doctorate. Some members of the committee wanted to give it to an award-winning poet. Like he could help us raise a dime. [laughs]
Jill: But that's not the only reason you're giving Tim the degree. They appreciate Tool Time, right?
Barbara: Tool Time?
Tim: My show.
Barbara: Oh, yes! I've never seen it, but I hear it's very cute. See you at the podium.